I guess that I do feel entitled to some degree... I worked very hard for my family over the last 9 years to get a job that would allow us to pay off our debts and begin living a happy life together. All of those nights, all of those days, all that lack of sleep is tolerable to some degree because you know that some day you are working towards a better life for you and your family. when people ask me what I do I tell them I work at the hospital.. or I am a doctor. I didn't do what I do to prance around town as the BMOC... I did it because it I felt challenged by it, interested in it... compelled to do it. so with all that being said, I guess I feel entitled to reap some of the benefits from all those hard years and all that hard work. not to be living alone, missing my boys, being betrayed by my wife. I don't think I "deserve" that... so perhaps I do feel entitled to a better outcome than the one I got. Also- all of my peers are living the dream now-- they have wives who stuck with them and are now doing their thing. So I do look across the fence at that and envy that.
So....
You have reached the pinnacle of your profession with a LOT of hard work, patience ( and patients) only to find out that what you really wanted, you hadn't really worked for and put the same kind of devotion toward , that you did to become a surgeon....???
Is that the nutshell ???
So WHY did you ?
And not some sacrificing verbage of the family either...
Cause it took you NINE years to do this and your boys are SEVEN...
Why did you allow your career to define Bradley then....(regardless of what you say, it shows )
And only recently, have you begun to see that differently ?
Why do you expect to reap the harvest from a crop you rarely tended ?
And how do you think this appears to your wife ?
Now Brad gets it...Now Brad wants the boys...Now Brad can kiss my a$$...
This is about you my friend.....
Look, I'm not the least bit concerned with your marriage here....
It is easy to detach from a SHE BEOTCH SPAWN FROM HELL<<< that part is mine.
Harder to do it with Love.
TG... I would love to detach with love... almost sounds like a new bond movie... "Detachment with Love"...
but the problem is-- she's got the kids. and she's not willing to share them with me or agree to any sort of arrangement. how do I detach with love while she does this?
so its complicated...
but yes, I have a lot of anger.
and I am all about working on me.
joined a softball league today, talked with a bunch of people about jamming and playing music.
I caught some of ya'lls discussions over whisky and burbon.
You have reached the pinnacle of your profession with a LOT of hard work, patience ( and patients) only to find out that what you really wanted, you hadn't really worked for and put the same kind of devotion toward , that you did to become a surgeon....???
this is very astute mach. and I say that not at all facetiously.
all I can say is that I wanted both. I was emotionally engaged in only one at the time because that was all I had in my tank. I was not able to do both well. I am not a good multitasker. I'm good at focusing on one thing at a time... thus the problem. my thoughts were- head down, bang this out, get finished-- then life with the family.
now keep in mind that week in, week out, I often left the house at 530 and was back by 8. for the first 5 years of their life this meant that only weekends that I was available often was when I could be with them-- but I was on call every 3rd weekend or so... the time I could spend with them I did. I didn't do anything else. so before I am too much crucifed for not being a good dad I think its important to know that the time constraints of the profession made it very difficult.
could I have done better-- yes
the way my wife sees it now-- you are probably right
she's got the kids. and she's not willing to share them with me or agree to any sort of arrangement. how do I detach with love while she does this?
IMO - you hire a very good lawyer and fight to get your kids. Separate the R with your kids with the R with your W. You can do this with love. You can approach it using your mind and not your anger and hurt. If you look hard you will see that she is using the kids as a means to get you back for the pain and hurt that she endured. She may be doing it subconsiously - either way she is doing it. Either way - her issues or anger are not YOUR issue to deal with. YOU need to deal with your issues first. IMO, the issues that you may want to look at are:
1) How do I try to form a R with my kids without throwing everything away.
2) How do I really look at (with a truly open heart) my role in this.
3) How do I stop being angry
4) How do I find my happiness
BTW - in honor of missher...have a cold one tonight...or two...or three..
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
but the problem is-- she's got the kids. and she's not willing to share them with me or agree to any sort of arrangement. how do I detach with love while she does this?
When you look at all this as what she does TO you.
You will never be able to control what she does or how she acts or reacts...
So
You are going to keep giving her the power to ruin your life?
It is not in her action but your RE-action that your salvation is found...
What happens in a power struggle when one of the parties stops stuggling?
I am not saying be a doormat.
This in not the normal response but it is the most logical.
Think about it.
There is way to stand up for your beliefs and character without beating someone over the head with it.
We have to figure out what your beliefs and character are first...
Ergo the query
Who is Bradley?
Maybe we can chat over a Scotch, I prefer less peaty
Benromach which is Speyside single malt. I am afraid my taste is for the older expressions-15 to 21 year olds... not cheap.
But sooooo good.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
so before I am too much crucifed for not being a good dad I think its important to know that the time constraints of the profession made it very difficult.
Never gonna hear that from me.....
That is YOUR call to make.
Originally Posted By: Brad
could I have done better-- yes
Woulda , coulda, shoulda.....
CAN you do better ?
That is why you are digging inwardly....correct ?
I'm not talking the marriage, or the kids ....
I'm talking about Brad.
CAN YOU DO BETTER ?
I think you can...
Ask yourself this question Brad....
What is the BEST thing for my boys ?
What they have known , since they were born is the life that you describe...
I am NOT suggesting that you give in to her here...
Just that there are small steps to take to avoid that plunge into the icy lake water....
You are still thinking that it is either all or none here...
With everything in life there is a balance...
You can build a relationship with them no matter where you live, or them...
Fig suggested story time with them in the evenings...How is that going ?
My question is....
Do you want that relationship to be built with the you that was so consumed with the destination , that he didn't enjoy the drive ?
What they have known , since they were born is the life that you describe...
I am NOT suggesting that you give in to her here...
Just that there are small steps to take to avoid that plunge into the icy lake water....
You are still thinking that it is either all or none here...
With everything in life there is a balance...
You can build a relationship with them no matter where you live, or them...
Fig suggested story time with them in the evenings...How is that going ?
My question is....
Do you want that relationship to be built with the you that was so consumed with the destination , that he didn't enjoy the drive ?
I almost read the entire first harry potter with them... and thank you for reminding me. I will continue to do that. I have been consumed with the end destination and have forgotten about what I can do day to day.
