Journaling: Sorry for the ultra-long post, but here is how things went at the counselor yesterday if anyone is interested. Not sure I need comments on it, but I think I did very well due to all of the advice you guys have given me.
Counselor asks why I am here and what I want to discuss. I say I want to talk about how to tell the kids we are getting a D. I say “I don’t really want my kids to think that I want this, because I don’t, but, having said that, I want to approach this from the perspective of what is best for my kids is best for me, so I want to discuss how to go about this.”
W says that she has already talked with a counselor and pretty much already knows what to say, but that I want to blame this on her. I say I don’t want to blame, just don’t want kids to think this is what I want.
Counselor asks where we are in terms of the M and if we have seen an MC? W says yes, a few months back. How many sessions? Five sessions, but I tell the counselor that the MC was worthless. She says, it didn’t help? So I say, Absolutely not. She asks if we decided how to handle things in our last session? W says I filed for D about three weeks ago. C asks how we feel about this. So I say:
Although this is not what I want, I understand that it is not my choice. I have done everything I could for the last 5 months to make work on myself and make things better. I read 4 relationship books and am doing everything she asked of me. She has acknowledged the changes I have made and appreciates them, but none of it matters. W says she wants a D and is not willing to work on the R, so I have accepted that and am prepared to move forward. There is nothing else I can do. I have thanked her for pointing out these issues so that I can work on them to become a better person, have a better relationship with my kids and potentially better future relationships. (Thanks to all for your help with this!)
The C looked stunned!
W says she has been very stressed, wouldn’t wish this on anybody, is afraid of the hardships to come, but knows that this is what she has to do. I think she is very confused and hurting too right now. She says I don’t think she has worked on the R, but she says she has. This is where I really blew it. I should have said, How could you have been working on the R while you were having an affair with OM?? Didn’t hit me until later. Missed a golden opportunity there, but I am sure it will come up again in court.
I say I have heard ILYBNILWY, I don’t feel the way I should about my husband, we have fun together, we could be friends forever because she likes to hang out and talk with me, but I really don’t see us as being friends after this is over. C agrees to that.
Then we talk about how this will go, if it will be civil and if we will be able to agree on everything. I say I think we can agree on everything except the kids. Again, she looks surprised. I say I am fine with splitting what we have 50/50, because we both came into this relationship with nothing and she was a part of earning it all. C says you were the primary breadwinner and she took care of the kids, and that is what you agreed on. I say yes, so I am fine with it, but I am worried about our futures going forward.
I also say, W wants full child placement, with me every other weekend and I want 50% placement. Judges are doing this more and a bill is being introduced into the state govt to require it. W goes on and on about how it will be so hard on the kids, blah, blah, blah. Never mind the impact of the divorce on them, they will be fine.
C says affect on kids is based on how parents handle it and that local judges are awarding it. W says her attorney also mentioned that on days when I have the kids, she could still spend time with them until I get home from work, so it sounds like her atty is also telling her to expect this. It will absolutely kill her….
Then we talk about if I want to come in for IC with this C. I say, I would like that and then you can see my kids if they need someone? She says No, that would be a conflict of interest. I say, since I have heard that you are so good with kids, I could see someone else, because I don’t want to deprive them of the opportunity to see you if they need to. Tears welling in my eyes at this point. She says she will help us find a good counselor for the kids if needed. Someone she would send her own kids to. I say ok, lets set up a session for next week. C asks if W wants references, gives her 2 and W says she will think about it. I hope she goes.
I really feel a lot better the last few days. Thank you all so much for everything. I now know I can do this…..
