I hate to jump on the band wagon, but I recognize myself in you and your "fear" of letting go.
When I finally gave my W the "speech" and told her I didn't want to be in an open marriage and everything else that we are advised to say, she threw me some crumbs and I thought, "wow, they were right, this works, I am out of the woods." Like I said, she would leave me just enough crumbs to throw me off. I wanted things to improve overnight and stopped the detachment and tried to show her that I could win her back. The calm time would last about a week and things would revert back to the way they were.
I think I've given my W three of the speeches. I think I am finally there. I have talked to a L in the past and have an appt with a different one next week. I told my W that I agreed we needed to move forward with a S and D and since she was making no move to do so even after telling me that was the only thing that she wanted, I would initiate things on my own.
And guess what? The past couple of days, she has been friendly, talkative and pretty pleasant to be around. What does it mean? IDK. I do know that it won't last. My only hope is when I meet with the L next week and she knows I am doing "something" about this sitch instead of waiting and hoping for her to change her mind, that she will change her mind. And if she doesn't, that's okay, too. Enough of the eggshells and crumbs. It is no way to live. I have already mourned the loss of my wife and marriage. They are both gone, never to return.
The old me is gone, also.
So, it's out with the old and in with the new. You have to throw all of the old crap out, and I mean ALL of it, to make room for the new. It may be with a new, stronger M than before with a W who understands her part in the failure in the old M. Or, it may be just the new and improved you who has learned from your past mistakes and will not repeat them. Either way, you will be better than you are right now. Are you happy? Are you having any fun? I can't answer for you, only for myself, and the answer is no. I have fun with my kids, and when I GAL. I have got in touch with old friends who have missed me and enjoy my company. I do not have fun with my W because she refuses to let me in. And I have done a good job of pushing her away. When she is around, I only show her the happy, fun side of me that she hasn't seen in too long. She will not join in activties with me. It's okay, though. She has her reasons and feelings about the sitch that are as real to her as mine are.
We learn and and discover things at our own pace. I can't convince you anymore than those her who know a whole lot more about this than I do. Just think of what you have been through and the continued pain and confusion. What are you doing that works?
LET GO-of the fear and pain, of the uncertainty of the future and what it may or may not bring.
Could it really be any worse than you are feeling now?
