so much there! Its a little late and it will take me forever to respond and I will try to do that tomorrow but I wanted to touch on a few things.
one thing that I want to do is thank all of you if I have not enough for your thoughts and concern because I KNOW that all of it comes from the right place -- that you care about me and want to help me find my way. obviously that is why I'm here as well.
who is the real me? that obviously is a question that I have wrestled with a lot over the last year. I'm still figuring it out. It is not "ct surgeon". I was a very successful ski racer for many years and that was how I identified myself. Perhaps you can see how that might have screwed me up. then I think my identity was tied into being married to my wife and being a dad (though I have only recently really "felt" that)... just now I'm starting to find myself again. this whole thing crushed my confidence, called many things into question-- still does.
jack if I didn't pass the test it would have been a bump in the road-- but I could sit for the test again in a year. it was not a factor in staying here but was a factor likely in my job security for now. I still hold in my back pocket- if I cannot get my boys here- going up there to get back into the university system by doing a critical care fellowship-- then being an acute care surgeon. this is all very appealing in a lot of ways since I miss the academic world, it would allow me to work with medical students and residents, and I believe it would allow me to have a much more flexible schedule and time to spend with my boys. so that is still very much in play. the option is still there. and I think about it a lot. living in the same town as her, however, given her way-- may be a bad idea. I feel like the dust has to settle and things need to be worked out-- in court. \
TG-- its a huge power struggle. you are right. but it doesn't have to be...
and of course I want to be happy. that is all I want. I want to be happy, I want my boys to have a stable happy life and I want to be a part of it. I will say that being a type a carrot chaser is a curse. if I could do it all over again I would choose something that would not have been so hard and would have let me achieve balance in my life.
as for the beotch spawn from hell... well... I don't know how to answer that. I've been trying to figure that out.
Twink I"m not that guy. one of my previous partners and many other surgeons I have seen and worked with are. I don't do an operation unless I really think the benefits outweigh the risks. I also do not flog people endlessly when there is no chance for survivial. But I am in the minority that way.
"Can you see that now that you're through, she would like to reap those benefits in the form of an engaged and present husband and father? Does she see you instead continuing to build your career at the expense of that? "
NO! I don't see that. I was willing to give it all up-- and she didn't want that. in fact she has done everything to sabatoge my career this year by leaving (this does not help when trying to build a practice in a small, family oriented town) and torturing me daily by leaving things up in the air, not letting me plan visitation with my boys, and sending me nasty texts just before I'm heading in to do cases. I was willing to give it up to move up there to be there for her and the boys and she basically gave me the gas face and told me to f off... she wants to reap the benefits of my salary-- but have me live in another state, keep quiet, and not remind her of what she has done. that's what she wants.
I WISH that she wanted to do all of those things. but unfortunately she does not.
and lotus- thank you for your kind words. every day this week I have met someone new and I'm building a new social network. I got asked out to dinner to night (by a dude who's family was away but it was still great-- we had a good talk and I think we will be good friends) another nurse in the unit is kindof taking me under her wing and finding me other fathers in town that I can hang with along with my boys when they are here... so little by little.
Can you see that now that you're through, she would like to reap those benefits in the form of an engaged and present husband and father? Does she see you instead continuing to build your career at the expense of that?
NO! I don't see that. I was willing to give it all up -- and she didn't want that.
If I'm not mistaken, you only considered giving it all up after she left. I'm suggesting that she needed to see that commitment before. What do you think?
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
You know, I'm starting to believe that all bets are off when a S is having a MLC. (Gee, ya think?)
I knew when I married my H that he was a work driven person. That's who he is. He was a hard working man who loved his family, but viewed his true role as provider.
There was a time in our M when I whined and complained that we didn't get enough time together. I missed him and I basically was raising the kids by myself. I'm not saying he didn't spend anytime with us, I just wanted more.
I came to accept that I was not going to change my H and I stopped trying. I didn't whine, nag, or be otch at him any longer. I changed my way of thinking, accepted and was grateful for the life H gave us.
I tried to the best of my ability to show him my love and took care of all things I possibly could around the house and with the kids to take that pressure off. When he was home he could do as he wished.
During this time I also GAL. I did my own thing and worked it around the times he was home.
My point is, I knew going in what type of man my H was. I accepted him for who he was. I made my peace with it and went on to have what I considered a happy marriage for the most part. My H let me know in many ways he appreciated me, too.
2 years before H walked, he shut us all out. He wanted space and time and we gave it to him. When he walked one of the reasons he gave was that he was lonely. I guess giving him what he wanted wasn't what he wanted.
Anyway, Bradley's wife going in must have known what kind of man he was. She worked to support them while he pursued his education. She had and raised the children while he worked toward his goal in a very demanding career. Did she not realize what it was going to take to become a heart surgeon and then practice it? Obviously, she must have.
MLC hits and she decides she's not going to accept Brad as he is. He sets about trying to change that to the extent that he can without losing himself along the way. He's willing to give up his career to be closer to her and the boys and again that's not good enough. What is it going to take to make this right for her? Answer: Nothing, while she is going through this. This is something he can't fix for her. She has to face the issues for herself. What purpose would it serve to throw the career that you both fought for away to have her change her mind as to what she wants again?
Brad, all I can say for your sake is to let it go. You've done what you could. Do not let what your W has done consume you and make you bitter towards her. Do what you have to for your boys and to be the best father you can be. Do it with love and compassion and accept your W for who she is now because she isn't the woman you M and probably won't be for a long time, if ever.
Do not ever forget the sacrifices she made to contribute to your dreams. That's what I try to remember when I think of my H. It helps keep me out of Bittersville.
nope...it doesn't justify her acting the way she does
however
instead of getting angry that she is acting that way own your role in it
saying you didn't act how you would have liked to act is pretty easy to say
how are your actions showing differently?
she moved and you took it as an attack on your business you said you were going to move there with stipulations then you decided against it and stayed put and are now fighting for custody
you said you would pay for her house (making it really your house) as long as she stayed where you want her to
listen who the hell cares what I think this is about you and who you are
I am just suggesting that looking at it from a different perspective would allow you to see things differently
what have your actions taught your wife and your boys about you (I don't know what it has...just asking you to ask that question)
being a friend means that not everything relates back to you it means actively listening it means not being the center all the time it means sharing good and bad and it means laughing at everything mostly yourself
Brad First off…damn dude…it seems like the old times… Sorry about the poor taste joke. You know I love ya man. Seriously thought….
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but she is the kind of person who lies to get what she wants. she uses her children like pawns and crutches. does not do what is in their best interest. she thinks that the vows we took she could just throw away. she has no remorse. she has no conscience. she has no morality.
Dude – this came across as anger – it lacked the compassion that I know right now is hard to grasp. Trust me I know. Deep down inside she is the person that you fell in love with. She just doesn’t know how to fix herself so she has become what you are now seeing. You are the cause of her pain in her mind. Every little thing that you ever did has probably been replayed in her mind. Her feelings and actions should NOT change yours. You are a nice guy. I know this first hand. As hard as it may seem right now, you cannot loose who YOU really are and you are doing this by allowing her issues to make you angry. Is some of this normal – ahyep! You though can choose to be better than that. You can choose to not allow her f’d up choice to harden you. This does not mean to bend as it relates to the kids. NO F’in way here. What I does mean IMO…is do what you need to do in LOVE. You will do this as you heal…as you find the true YOU.
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if I had the sense that she would be fair, that she would give me access to the boys, and that she would want me to be there where I can co-parent the boys and we could peacefully co-exist I would never have hesitated. but as the days got closer to the move it became clear that she had no intention of doing so
No she is probably not going to be fair…remember she feels entitled and in some cases she may have a point BUT it does not mean that you hand over the kids. You can fight the good fight. You can do what Bradley know is true and just. IMO – that is being the parent that you want to be. In the end, only a judge can decide.
In the end dude…you need to be happy. Knowing you the way that I do…you really need to let her go. Completely. Just let her the F go. Go find your happiness. Could it be with someone else – yep…could it be back with her…maybe BUT only if you let go of her, let go of the past, let go of the pain, let go of the old M. In terms of your job…dude..I know you have a family to feed. I do. I know first hand the crap that she put you through…you know what. You did what you thought was right. If you believe in it AND if it makes you happy then go for it. As long as it does not impact your kids. Go for it. Do what you need to do…BUT first – let go of the anger and hurt. It takes time buddy. Stop looking at her…
I’ll be around tonight if you want to chat.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
thank you for your thoughts. I think you have hit the nail on the head with much of it.
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MLC hits and she decides she's not going to accept Brad as he is. He sets about trying to change that to the extent that he can without losing himself along the way. He's willing to give up his career to be closer to her and the boys and again that's not good enough. What is it going to take to make this right for her? Answer: Nothing, while she is going through this. This is something he can't fix for her. She has to face the issues for herself. What purpose would it serve to throw the career that you both fought for away to have her change her mind as to what she wants again?
This, in a nutshell (pardon the pun), is why I did what I did... I can always throw away my career and do something else. for now I'm sticking with it. I wanted to end it on my terms, when I knew for sure it was the right decision. my boys will be 7 soon. the way I see it, if I can't get them here I can and probably will head up that way to be closer to them... what I will be doing I'm not sure. I believe that I can still have a great 10 years with them wherever they are as a (?). I told this to my wife today and she said, "oh great-- so I gave up 10 years of my life for you to give it all up? you have all that debt.."... well... I suppose that is one way to look at it.
I told her that I wasn't going to have the boys growing up in another state without me... so I'll make the sacrifices I need to make in order to do that.
no, I actually don't feel like I'm taking a beating. as I said I know it all comes from the right place. I really do. And I am listening and processing.
Entitlement--
I guess that I do feel entitled to some degree... I worked very hard for my family over the last 9 years to get a job that would allow us to pay off our debts and begin living a happy life together. All of those nights, all of those days, all that lack of sleep is tolerable to some degree because you know that some day you are working towards a better life for you and your family. when people ask me what I do I tell them I work at the hospital.. or I am a doctor. I didn't do what I do to prance around town as the BMOC... I did it because it I felt challenged by it, interested in it... compelled to do it. so with all that being said, I guess I feel entitled to reap some of the benefits from all those hard years and all that hard work. not to be living alone, missing my boys, being betrayed by my wife. I don't think I "deserve" that... so perhaps I do feel entitled to a better outcome than the one I got. Also- all of my peers are living the dream now-- they have wives who stuck with them and are now doing their thing. So I do look across the fence at that and envy that.
I suppose that is how I would define it.
Now, did I take my wife and the life that I had for granted before I lost it? Yes. No doubt about that. Why? I'm still figuring that out.
you said you were going to move there with stipulations then you decided against it and stayed put and are now fighting for custody
she didn't want me there. she told me she wanted me living somewhere else-- I was going to rent another house there. I only stayed put when she showed her cards and made it clear that she would make it difficult to see the kids and might bolt... so for me to commit career haricari under those circumstances just seemed wrong. now... was it? who knows.
well-- I pay for her house either way. I have supported her completely. why not do it in the town where I live fig?
I believe my boys, in the long run, will know that they were the most important thing to me. they will know that I fought for them. they will understand that their mother took them away from me without a good reason, forcing me to take her to court. ultimately, when I give up heart surgery which is probably what's going to happen-- they will really know.
now: what have HER actions taught them about her? that marriage is something that can just be thrown away? that the sanctity of marriage is a joke? that putting yourself before your kids is how you live your life? and in my heart of hearts I know that I have not done that-- and will continue to put them first. in an odd reversal I honestly believe that I am now that role player-- and my wife is more concerned about herself than them.
BTW--
I love what you said about being a friend. that was really nice. I liked that a lot. and is helpful to me.
