Boundaries in Marriage

[Concerned_Listener]

DB Friends,
I'm starting a new thread to reflect the start of a new phase. I've been working at being a better companion for my W this year. I've joined three dance performance teams with her, and joined a fitness club and have been taking exercise classes with her.

I've been reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Henry Cloud for the past two months. The book has expanded my idea of what boundary-setting involves. The book also fits with my values of D as a last resort, rather than using it too early as a boundary tool. The book also fits with my values of holding onto compassion. I consider the book required reading for all who are on the Piecing forum, because these are fundamental skills that will move us from Piecing to maintenance. The book makes frequent reference to the bible, but does not attempt to preach religion. The advice is sound, no matter the source.

My W is now unemployed. Her dance friend of a year ago called her in another emotional crisis. She went to have dinner with him. She called me and said that he was in a poor emotional state and would spend the night with him. I asked her if he was suicidal, and she said he wouldn't stop crying. I didn't push the issue any further.

I thought about what I've been reading in Boundaries in Marriage. I thought about the importance of putting honesty into the M, with the intent of helping my W see how her decision may do harm to the M. I thought about that my intent is not to control her, but to influence her. I thought about it overnight, and wrote her an email this morning.

I wrote that she needed to be careful about reconnecting with him. I advised that overextending her own boundaries will not help someone who has their own boundary problems. I advised that simply spending time with a suffering person who continues in the same patterns, is not helping them.

This is obvious to me, but I don't think it is to her. I decided to write to her as my friend, who I want to help avoid getting manipulated into a relationship that will bring negativity into her life. She respects and listens to what I say and write. I like the advice in the book of being soft with the person but hit hard the issue.

We'll see what kind of response I get. We'll see if I can minimize her desire to rescue him or whatever she's being pulled into.

CL