.... What would happen if you said something like "I don't know how serious you are about that, but I'm serious. Either we fix this marriage or I leave. I've been thinking for some time now about leaving when the youngest gets to high school, but if there's no hope, I might do it sooner."
+1 Some really great advice! A couple of comments.
First, one of the messages I always tried to convey was that "I have made a promise to myself that I will be healthy and happy by xdatex and that if I can't get the love and touching I need from you, I will end this marriage, but I would rather stay married to you, which is why I want to let you know about my needs (or why we need to go to a sex therapist, or whatever)."
Second, in the John Gottman workshop my wife and I learned about an interesting mental reaction to stress he called "flooding." What happens (sometimes) is that when a person becomes so scared that their adreniline really dumps into their system, they literally cannot hear/comprehend rational discussion. One of the things that the Gottmans urge couples to do is develop a signal to each other when they are "flooding with emotion" so that they can take a break in their discussion and come back when their emotions are under control.
The recommendation to "push ahead" with a discussion with a crying & distraught partner is OK, if the crying person is using that as a ploy. If they are truly emotionally overloaded, they probably will not be able to comprehend a word you are saying. I don't know how you can tell the difference, but repetition may help as well as picking you times carefully and saying that we can carry on this discussion later when you aren't as upset, might help you get your message across.
Finally, one very important concept not well discussed is setting boundaries in a relationship. That is establishing expectations and limits and then living with them. I know that may times while I was changing my life, my wife would test my boundaries. When I was dieting, she would want to go out to a restaurant, and if I only ate half the meal and asked for a box for the rest, she would ask the waiter to bring two deserts menus. When I was exercising regularly, she would try to schedule something that would conflict, so I couldn't exercise. When I told her that I needed to have sex x times a week, be touched by her and feel loved by a certain date or I would divorce her, she repreatedly asked me if I was serious, if sex was more important than her emotional devotion to me, or if all the years we have been together meant nothing to me. Each time I looked her in the eyes and told her that I had made a series of promises to myself and that my integrity demanded it of me to keep them. Glovers NM Mr NG book is really an important concept in being true to yourself and becoming a fully integrated man. I recommend reading it several times.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
