I know. I have a hard time talking to ex on the phone because he tries to act as if he can fix stuff. He can't. I can be civil in person but he is not my friend. When S14's leg was hurting this weekend, he had the insurance card even though they are with me about 95% of the time. I had asked for them before but he didn't think it important enough to give me the new cards, with new numbers.
I got him to order an additional set for me. Then when he brought it over he acted like he could fix S14's leg. Ummm, didn't happen. Ex's!!!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
That is the part of Dan (well one of MANY ) that I just don't understand. He doesn't want to be with me and said so just last night. After years of playing the middle, "I am trying to figure things out, maybe once I have this house remodeled we will all live here together, I still think about us getting back together"--that last one he just said the first of May!
Anyway after the hemming and hawing he states he wants nothing to do with me. And then texts me about how I should handle the water line problem? And wants me to know he has an ear infection? And then calls me for no apparent reason, first on the home phone, then on the cell phone, then asks me to call him back. For what? I do not think he wants to be with me he has made that clear. So why does he keep contacting me for no apparent reason?
I mean, when I realize I want nothing to do with a person, I have nothing to do with them. For example, vomit guy. One date and I took his number out of my cell phone and blocked him on Match. Even annoying family members, I realize I have to deal with them sometimes but I generally try to avoid them and I am never the first to initiate contact.
So wtf? Not worth spending time on but I do think it is odd. Reminds me of Wayne's World...
Finally! Tomorrow morning, 11 am. I have first IC appt in four weeks thanks to my class and being sick...hooray!
I swear I would pay her to just let me stay one whole day and get a bunch of crap off my chest. This hour-at-a-time stuff is good, but I would like a little more. Sometimes it seems you just get to the point of an issue and "oops time to go!".
Hey Bobbi, sorry to hear about the latest shenanigans.
I know you know that you have a choice. DBing 101 - you cant control others, but you can control how YOU react. You chose to get mad/emotional/engage in an argument, so he threw angry words back.
Perhaps you could have said, "Thanks for your thoughts, but its understandable the kids would act up on exchanges between us, as I am sure divorce is a little confusing for them, but it will settle down. If not, I am happy to do some family mediation/counselling to resolve any behavioural issues if its needed. OK, I have to go now."
Or.. something equally unemotional. Boundaries. Detach. I think K had some good ideas about detachment.
I guess all this reacting, getting upset, having excuses to see him, like the nebuliser (instead of just buying a 2nd one, one for your house, one for his) ignoring some texts making him wait for your response and then answering some with open questions getting him to TELL YOU WHATS UP.. its all part of the same thing - it maintains an emotional R with him, however tenuous. Its getting an emotional reaction out of him, even if its anger/pouty etc, it maintains that connection between you, because you still havent let go. And so therefore.. he knows that and can sense it. Which is why he keeps doing it.
I say this as an outsider to try and help you get perspective on these exchanges between you that make you mad/upset/let down again and again. Seeing as you are about to start IC. I wonder if you agree?
Its up to you Bobbi, but we've all said it over and over again to you the past 1, 2 years. If you detach and drop the rope, you may be surprised how things change and how better you feel. I see you are trying, but things havent really changed much. I know though hun, its SO hard hey.
Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I agree with Al and John and the rest. And quite frankly, it's not so much anymore about what Dan is doing to you. You are just stuck sweets. Stuck expecting him to validate your feelings about how wrong he was and how much hurt he has caused. You are expecting him to treat you the way he has prooven he doesnt want or doesnt know how to... He says he is sorry and you go "if you are, then why dont you... ", getting even more frustrated. No, he can be sorry, he can have regrets without wanting to change anything. It happens.
I think all these years we've "known" each other, you are replaying the same questions in your head, never getting answers, getting stuck. Break the cycle and move forward. For your peace of mind. Hugs
Bradley, nice to have you stop by! Funny we both went to Great Wolf Lodge last week and played Magiquest. It was fun for me and for the kids!
K and Al, I don't know what to say. If I answer his calls, I am wrong. If I don't answer his calls, I am wrong. I just don't know what I am supposed to do that is 'right'. Ugh. I mean seriously. The phone rang this morning and it was him and I was thinking, "So don't answer it? Or do answer it? If I don't is that juvenile game-playing? But if I do is that catering to him?" I got nothing.
Sorry. But I really don't know wtf I am supposed to do I guess.
You are supposed to set a boundary with Dan. Let him know that you want him to call you only if it has to do with the kids. Then enforce the same boundary on yourself.
His calls aren't good for you because you keep hoping for something to be different. Things can't change until someone changes them and hon, I think you already know, it won't be Dan doing the changing.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
) that I just don't understand. He doesn't want to be with me and said so just last night. After years of playing the middle, "I am trying to figure things out, maybe once I have this house remodeled we will all live here together, I still think about us getting back together"--that last one he just said the first of May!