The journey begins

[ImprovedRomeo]

Not sure I understand the situation...so sounds like you have/had a car on which you owed $8k at the time of separation? She's keeping the car so you need to pay off the balance and want half of the fair market value? which combined you're estimating to be $11k cash? She's willing to pay you that sum in the form of a IRA/401k balance transfer?

[ClingingToHope]

It is complicated. She has way more in her retirement accounts than I do and we paid her car off a couple of years ago and I still have a hefty payment. I even remember thinking how dumb this was to do in case we get divorced.

So by all rights she should owe me a huge chunk of change -- but that's where this debt comes in. She keeps buying herself new wardrobes and furniture and stuff for the house in the vain effort to sell it and she's tacking it onto her side of the ledger.

Meanwhile they are saying only the debts I had when I left should be included.

It's really stupid and if I went to court on it I'm pretty sure I'd end up with a bigger settlement.

BUT that would cost a few thousand more and perhaps cause other fights on things we've already agreed.

I'd really rather just take the money and run, but only if it's after tax money. If she does a QDRO and takes it out of her pension or 401(k) then I have to put it in a qualifying retirement account or pay taxes and penalties on it.

So that $10,300 would all of a sudden be $6,000.

So what I want to know from my L is if we can stipulate it's after tax money.

[ImprovedRomeo]

OK I think I understand now. Still not sure where the $10,300 figure came from. However, if the debt was $8k then the debt is divided 50/50 by law right so legally she only has to pay $4k. Unless I'm missing something still. Of course, you could ask for your share in her car if you wanted to, it's a community asset.

EDIT: I think the L's can stipulate whatever you want, it's whether she'll agree to it or not.

[ClingingToHope]

Nothing back from the attorney, which is fine. STBXW called. D7 had an issue at camp so she explained it to me. Tomorrow she has to be at work at 8 a.m. and doesn't know how she's going to get the kids to the various camps.

I told her she could drop them off at my place and I'd drive them. She said that would help. I'm just noting it here because this is where I document the areas I help -- as well as sound off.

If I didn't have a softball game tonight I would have insisted they stay at my place since I'd be driving them.

This time at least I said goodbye. I'm still battling anger issues. One weird thing has been running through my head. For the past eight years I've been kissing her *ss, hoping she'd see my good qualities. She grew up being lied to, left behind and used by guys. So in my "can't give up that .00001 percent of hope" heart I think, well, treating her like crap is a 180. Maybe that'll win her back.

Bad, bad thinking.

Texted 31-year-old friend several times. Still, waiting for a sign that she may be open to more -- when the D is final. Also FB messaged a 38-year-old single mom who I'll see Saturday hopefully as part of a larger group. Then I called a 35-year-old from the church group who hasn't made it to the last couple of events to see if she was coming on the 4th to a group get together.

The flurry was to get my mind off STBXW.

I have to focus on work though. I got a free ticket to a Cubs game in Chicago. The Cubs are playing my first-place Cincinnati Reds. How does that sound BobbiJo?

[smith18]

You live in Illinoy, but root for a team from Ohio?

[ClingingToHope]

Born in Illinois. Parents moved to Oklahoma as a kid so I'm a Sooners fan in football. When I was eight we moved to the Cincinnati area. The Big Red Machine was slowing down, but they still had Bench, Morgan, Foster, Concepcion, Griffey.

My dad had box seats so I went to more than 100 games over four years.

Then my parents divorced and I got dragged kicking and screaming back to Illinois where WGN showed the Cubs every day.

It cracks me up all of the Chicago area teams have won titles except for the Cubs.

[kat727]

You have to love an underdog! Don't remember anyone saying how much they loved the White Soxs.

kat

[ImprovedRomeo]

You guys are speaking greek...must be football.

Sooners? no way, my brother went to OU...don't ask.

[ClingingToHope]

Typical BS today. Get up early to clean a bit around the apartment since it's my night. Turn phone on and STBXW has called and messaged. D7 woke up with a swollen eye. She got eaten alive by mosquitos at camp -- a camp she didn't pick but STBXW didn't put any thought into the summer, that was always my job.

She asks if I can take her to the immediate care clinic. Again, this morning was her early morning at work. She gets one of these every week. If I wanted to be an *ss I'd say no -- but I'm going to occasionally need her to switch so I can work running races. In fact, next summer I'm guessing I may have to ask her to flip-flop the entire summer.

So I have to play ball to a point.

I text back yes. She drops them off. I take D11 to her friend's house where she's going this week. She looked depressed. She said she wants to sell the house but she doesn't want to sell the house. She loves the house but she knows as long as they still own it I can't buy a house.

I told her I was torn. I hate that they have to move. I wish they could stay. But I also don't want them living there if STBXW finds another man.

D11 agreed. "It's our house. Me, D7, mommy and daddy."

She perked up when she got to her friend's house.

D7 and I headed to the clinic. It took an hour -- making me late for work. Normally that's not a problem but I need to finish a ton today to go to a baseball game tomorrow. Also, it cost $40.

Plus, STBXW told D7 she didn't have to go to camp today. Instead, she could go to her old daycare place. I'm not sure what that will cost.

There is no agreement in place on health care stuff. STBXW has a flex-spending plan so the stuff I spent money on is already being deducted from her check. So I went into my banking site and reduced my bi-weekly check by $40.

Daycare. I'm torn. Whatever I give the lady is tax deductible -- although I doubt I'll meet my minimum deduction. Still, this was my week to pay for camps so I'll write her a check.

Still bouncing around anger. The image of the motorcycle dude hanging out at my house is in my head. Shoot, she might be seeing him every night this week since she signed the girls up for vacation bible school which is located conveniently halfway between our house and where he lives.

Trying to focus on work instead. I did get a call back today from another woman in the church singles group. She missed the last couple of events and will not be there on the 4th. But she said she would make it on the 17th.

She's another one I'd be interested in asking out once the D is final. She's 35 and was divorced four years ago.

I'm not going to text the 31-year-old today. I'm supposed to see her on Sunday and I don't want to come off as clingy/needy.

OK. Time to focus.

[ClingingToHope]

Tough night with D7 and D11. Nothing seemed to go right and they got bored and they don't get bored much with me and they were picking at each other.

The joys of single parenthood.

I got them off to their various activities today and had some random thoughts in the car driving to work:

I know I need to let go of the bitterness and anger. I can't force myself to, though, so knowing I have to is enough for now.

I know I need to be able to not treat STBXW like the plague when I see her -- if only for the sake of D11 and D7. I can't force myself to, though, so knowing that I have to is enough for now.

As I was passing "the house" on the main drag, I reflexively glanced to see it and got a fleeting glimpse of the "For Sale" sign. Ouch. I poured my heart into that place, doing whatever I could to improve it for STBXW. So that hurt, but it's an anchor on me. I can't even think of buying a house until that one sells so -- life goes on.

And so do I. To Chicago to watch the Cubs lose to my first-place Cincinnati Reds.