I was thinking today, it's been 7 months into piecing and I am missing something. I am always on guard, alert, worried and frustrated. I am missing peace.
There are days and long stretches of time when I feel better and if I dare say happy but they are followed by gloomy thoughts and moods that make me hard to live with.
I am now myself's worst enemy and as I was talking to Al last night, I told her, I would expect him to snap at some point soon and say he cant deal with me any longer. It would make me sad, like missing a great big life changing opportunity but I would understand.
We had not had the second honeymoon or great moments of connections. We have had some, but not like others have described here.
We are pushing time, anticipating some beneficial influence but I have to confess I am more involved in being worried than creating a good present with H.
Time is always an issue. My dad's health is getting worse and I feel I have to steel moments to spend with H, moments I am not sure he wants to spend with me (I wouldnt either)...
He is patient, nice, caring but there are some red flags onec in a while that of course can ruin my mood for days.
He still hasnt told me he loves me.
Interestingly he is dealing with a lot of guilt which becomes more obvious as days go by.
Triggers are less but when something does bother me, it hurts so much I immediately want to just quit. I am still grieving over the loss of our R. Of the exclusivity.
I am also still unclear about the lessons he learnt. I can see he is committed to us but I I doubt I am considered a great catch for him. Insecurities of an insecure fish...
At some point soon I will HAVE to make a clean break and look only ahead.
