Scwred up and need advice

[CPCajun]

Yes. I used to be angry, miserable and cold. I told her I am happy she did this. I am not happy how it came about. I told her if she didnt do this I may of never changed, this was an awakening.

Now, I am more livelier,happier, and know I have become a beter person. I just hope it doesn't take too long for my wife to see that.

[DanF]

Great to hear CPC!! Keep up the good work. We're all pulling for you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

GOOD STUFF.

Just take it sloowwwww and easy. As Coach says, you don't want to jump at the first offers that come along from her. STAY BUSY, but polite and engaging.

The biggest mistake that people make at this stage is they go all needy/grabby/melty-man, and/or stop doing their 180s and GALs.

BOTH of you need to EARN this.

Puppy

[CPCajun]

Understood. I plan on backing off today and takin gthe kids to the health club.

It is testing my patience, but I already thought about being over needy or clingy.

You guys/girls are great teachers or coaches and I am starting to learn a bit now. I guess I needed to detach a bit an overcome the pain of the initial onset. Now I cam thinking a bit more clearly and collectively. It is still difficult.

[Coach]

BOTH of you need to EARN this.

Yes, you don't want to go back to the way it was. It's a hefty price to pay to earn your DB stripes but crucial to a better marriage.

Think "Saving Private Ryan."

[CPCajun]

Another thown in my side.

My L ask that I get a monthly income/expense list made up for the hearing. I thought it would be the usual spending, but I am wrong. I had trusted my wife with the finances, but it looks like she has failed me(us). It looks like she has been spending alot more than we make. I do see a few cash withdrawls, but I will have to confront W on what they are for. Most of it is on clothes, eating out, and the Walmart.

I used to be so controlling with the finances till I had faith in her to do the finances. I know if I confront her she will think I am angry at her. I am not angry, but hurt. Hurt that she would do this. I don't know if she has a problem or if she did this out of spite, due to my abuse to her. I don't know how to bring this up with out her getting defensive and think I will raise hell on her. I have tried so hard lately to turn things around with myself to only find this.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sorry to be blunt, CP, but WTF CARES if she is angry with you?

She SERVED you!!!

This is LEGAL at this point, the financial disclosures are both STANDARD and MANDATORY, and the family court judge is NOT going to look kindly on her squandering any family assets!!

THIS is why people need to "firewall" their finances when their spouse is wayward.

Puppy

[CPCajun]

Sorry to be blunt, CP, but WTF CARES if she is angry with you?

She SERVED you!!!

This is LEGAL at this point, the financial disclosures are both STANDARD and MANDATORY, and the family court judge is NOT going to look kindly on her squandering any family assets!!

THIS is why people need to "firewall" their finances when their spouse is wayward.

Puppy

Ok to be blunt Puppy, I can take it. I just have trouble putting what I want to say in written context.

I know W served me, but doesn't mean I give up.Am I not seeing things correctly? I already see subtle changes in her towards me. I see the cat trying to get the catnip.

I already got a personal bank account and have changed my direct deposits. I am set on protecting myself and will bring this foolish spending to the attention of my L.

I didn't convey what I meant correctly. I know she will get angry when confronted. I do not want to seem that this is a control issue again as I used to be in the past. I want W to tell me why, I do not want to force it out of her. I want the burden to now fall on her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You're still focusing on how SHE WILL REACT to things, instead of "What is The Right Thing to Do?"

Wrong.

Do the right thing, for you and your family. How she perceives those things is up to HER, not YOU. You cannot control how she responds to you.

Puppy

[CPCajun]

You're still focusing on how SHE WILL REACT to things, instead of "What is The Right Thing to Do?"

Wrong.

Do the right thing, for you and your family. How she perceives those things is up to HER, not YOU. You cannot control how she responds to you.

Puppy

Thanks Puppy. I just did. It was over the phone. The bank messed things up. She tried to blame me for it, but I wouldn't take it. How is the bank's problem my fault? :facepalm:

It pretty much went just as you posted. She perceived it the wrong way, and tried to push blame to me. I did not anger, point blame, or apologize. I didn't care how she reacted. I told her 'this' is how I have to do it.

I am pretty happy how it went. I guess, I tend to overthink things sometimes.