I think you're very close here, but I'd strongly suggest removing two key stances from your approach:
1:
Originally Posted By: Jstar
i put together nothing with pleading or begging. in short i stated i wanted my marriage but . . .
***Here, you LEAD with a "softening statement" that greatly diminishes the effect of the attempted "tough stance" that follows. Again you do it here:
. . . I stated i did not want to take a hard line on his behaviors, stated boundaries and consequences. in short: if he does not sit down and talk about our outstanding issues, parenting plan, continues to be a dead beat absent ghost father(drive by daddy) i will continue to document is lack of involvement in kids lives, consult an attorney, petition the court to have his rights severed and have him pay my attorney fees. ***Everything you just listed there is wonderful, and is how most of us would encourage you to lay out boundaries, but you killed its credibility right up front with the "I don't want to take a hard line" preface, which -- combined with your own personality (I'm guessing you're naturally a non-confrontational person?) and your past history with him, he knows damned well you're not going to follow thru on any of this?***
no where did i state filing for divorce or custody but i mean business,. he can either step up be a father involved regularily consistently in the kids lives, continue to live at his mother's tiny apartment with 4 other people who hoarders. ***OK, this is very good, but again, he probably doesn't take it seriously . . .
i don't know why i think this will be different, i think he's banking on me never filing for divorce.
***Of course he is, you just told up right up front that YOU DIDN'T WANT TO!!***
i guess for me i should set a deadline. take it as one week at a time. if he is making progress - we are making progress. if there is nothing in 3-4 weeks follow thru with the consequences.
NOOOOOOO!!!!
2. Never convey a deadline to a wayward spouse. It's like telling the terrorists when you're planning to withdraw the troops. If you give your husband a deadline of, say, August 1st, then he will take that as your tacit approval to continue his crap behavior, wayward ways until July 31st, at which point he will promise you the moon and the stars to get you to call off whatever dogs you have planned as your stated consequences.
There's only one of two ways that I've ever seen effective with "deadlines." Deadlines should be INTERNAL -- something you set for YOU, as a means to be able to deal with the situation emotionally. But you either say to them "You're right, this isn't working, I agree with you we should divorce" (immediate deadline, knowing that the wheels of 'justice' move showly), or you say "I hope you'll hurry, because my patience, and my love for you, is running out every day from your behavior."
I think if you'll do these two things -- and MEAN it -- you'll see some success.
