Heartbroken and needing help!

[Grace_O]

Irish,

The DB techniques are for me. I use them with H and will use them the rest of my life in situations of all kinds. These tools allow me to step back and really listen (with more than my ears) to what others are saying.

I have also learned to really look at my actions and what they say.

Does it work better if you are still living together? It didn't for me. Why? I'm sure it was b/c I wasn't using them as well, and H was chomping at the bit to get out. I've been seperated 2+ years and we are getting along better now. What I don't know, is whether my H is MLC or not. I never did. What I do know, is that I have the ability to make this better, or not, and using these tools does that for me.


I can only measure myself by my own yardstick.

HUGS

[MrBond]

Irish,

DB principles can be used whether your spouse is home or not. The thing is to be consistent with them. While your spouse is on their own roller coaster, you can decide whether or not to be dragged along for the ride, or get off and do your own thing while your spouse rides alone.

[job]

I would also like to add ... the DB principles can be applied in your day-to-day life w/your children, co-workers, etc. It's not just for marital relationships.

[irishblessings]

Thanks for the clarification. I have not had an angry encounter with H in 10 days. I have seen him a few times and have been pleasant. Even yesterday, when I talked to him about boundaries that would have to be set if he were to come home - it wasn't confrontational. I was a bit more emotional than I would have wanted to be - but didn't lose it completely.

I am still thinking about this "going dark" thing. On the one hand I think it would be helpful for me - breathing room. On the other hand, circumstances like the upcoming weekend when Ds are in from out of town make it difficult. They feel like they have limited time and don't want to be split. I understand their feelings - I went through the same thing with my parents' late in in life divorce. However, the reality is we really are not a "family" right now / at least that's how I look at it. H is in the mindset that he hasn't made any decisions yet - but as he told S - it is "pretty possible" we are going to get divorced. It's day 18 of the separation / am I right that this is still in its infancy? Even though he's short on money - he still seems pretty happy and excited about his newfound freedom - so I know this is a long haul. Am I right that I need to be flexible with a lot of these issues and not draw any hard lines right now?

I hope I am not driving you all too crazy with these ramblings! I am so grateful for your input!

[Grace_O]

Irish,

Yes, you are still in the very early stages of this.

I would say I still haven't drawn hard lines. I haven't needed to. H live 60 miles away maybe texts or calls them during the week. We see him 1 day a week when he comes to visit D's.

I did make it clear sometime back that when someone else enters the picture, things will change. I did not go into detail as to what those changes would be. I am clear in my own mind what they will be. Will put it on the table when I need to.

The advantage of this (for me) is that I have had lots of time to think about it and I will not be resonding out of anger.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by flexible. Flexible does not however mean wishy washy.

[Truegritter]

I am still thinking about this "going dark" thing.

Irish your feelings will guide you here. If you need to.

As Grace said it doesn't have to happen if you don't need it to and you can detach and not be affected by interactions.

Your interactions should diminish...

I noticed that I needed to detach more when I had interaction, no matter how small, and I felt bad afterwards, or that I didn't get a response, or one that I was looking for.

See?

You'll know so just keep trying to keep yourself out of harm's way.

That will guide you through...

[cat04]

Irish,

As you go further into all of this, you will understand more that all of this really is for you.

DB, and standing, are two different things.

You can stand for your M, by standing for yourself. By healing yourself, by understanding what it is that you want and need from your life.

Detatching does notmean giving up on your M, it simply means removing yourself from the chaos and allowing you both time to heal.

DB is simply one tool for doing that. It is a great tool, especially when it is incorporated with learning what forgivness and unconditional love mean to you. While we all have ideas of what those things mean, they are different for each person.

You were raised Catholic. So was I. Personally, I found that I had to take what I was taught by the Church and expand my mind a bit. Step out of the box.

Several years ago, I came across a statement about marriage, that struck a major chord within me. I realized that it was exactly how I believed a R with another person should look like. It was very different than my M looked. I began to make my changes based on that. Based on what I wanted my M to look like. Or any R with another person for that matter. It spread over into my R with my S, other family members, and friends. Grit posted it on his thread recently. Maybe he will be so kind as to bring it over here.

You really are at the beginning of this.

It is ok to question yourself and to ask questions that hopefully will bring you answers that can help you in your journey.

None of us can tell you exactly what to do. You know you and your heart the best.

All of the answers you are looking for, are inside of you. Patience and faith will bring the answers to your awareness as you need them.

Have a good night.

[irishblessings]

Twink wrote this in another thread:
I have found that the more I seek to empathize with what my MLC H might be going through, the more compassion and forgiveness I can find.

This struck me because these are the feelings I have been having. He is really struggling and I am trying to stay calm and not engage him in R discussions. His logistics are proving to be more difficult than he imagined. Not difficult enough however to give a second thought to returning - but difficult.

His personality has changed so much - he texted D's and asked if they could help find a way to get our S into a comedy club that is 18 years and older (our S is 16) - WTH???????? The girls contact me and are outraged.

He called me this evening because D's didn't want to do anything with him this weekend. I didn't say anything.

He talked about some more business details. Then he was silent. He asked me what was wrong - I said "I know that you don't feel as if you love me - or that you may never have loved me - but I just feel as if there are so many more productive things we could be working on right that could improve our situation. If only you would be open to trying..." I didn't stick around for an answer - just told him I would talk to him when the girls arrived home.

Don't know why I'm putting this out there - just venting!

Have a good night!

[Truegritter]

Grit posted it on his thread recently. Maybe he will be so kind as to bring it over here.

Cat I think this what you were referring to:

It was written by a prophet ( I have never heard of this dude)
Kahlil Gilbran

But let there be spaces in your togetherness
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another your bread but eat not from the same loaf

Sing and dance together and be joyous,but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping for
Only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in
each other's shadow.

[irishblessings]

Beautiful piece - thanks!