1. You sound like you've made up your mind to leave. Have you told her? You might be surprised what happens if you do, but either way, you won't have to deal with it by yourself. Even if you want to wait a couple of years for the kids' sake, if you've made the decision now, I'd tell her that. If you haven't decided, I'd tell her I was thinking about it and why.
2. You remind me of something I used to write about here a lot. I would try to discuss my sexual starvation with my wife (she and I are both school teachers) but it never worked. It didn't work because she would immediately start crying . . . and I would always, without fail, forget all about everything I was trying to get across to her and instead focus on stopping her tears. I would drop the subject of sex, comfort her, reassure her that I would never leave and I loved her no matter what. I thought I was being such a loving, caring, compassionate, supportive guy, but I was giving her the opposite of what she needed. I was giving her an easy way out of facing what she was doing to our marriage. Which, when you think about it, was what *I* was doing to our marriage. I don't know for certain from your writing that you've had that experience or something close to it, but it sounded familiar. If you do what I did--allow your wife to derail your attempts to discuss your sex life by crying or by asking to be left alone--you may be amazed how much you can change things simply by making it clear that you won't allow that anymore. Just push on. Either ignore the tears and the pleas or tell her firmly but nicely, "I'm not trying to make you cry, but I have to talk to you about this." Then go on. If you really think she honestly can't handle it, tell her you'll talk to her about it later at a specific time so she can be ready. Then do it. Don't accept tears, don't accept pleas to be left alone, and don't accept angry outbursts. Just keep going until you've said what needs to be said. If nothing else, even if she never admits it to you, she'd be crazy not to respect you for doing this. But if you get a real conversation started, who knows where it might lead?
3. What are you doing to get a life? When you leave, for instance, what are you going to do? Are you doing that now? If not, why not?
4. I know someone said he envied you the public touching your wife does, but I know exactly what you mean and it really is horrible. It feels like she's mocking you, like she's so cynical that she's faking physical affection in front of the rest of the world while she rejects you in private. My wife and I were always very affectionate in public and with family and friends, and as the sex-starved marriage got worse and worse, I hated it more and more. She would stand with her hand around my waist and it would be all I could think about, because it had literally been months since she had touched me that intimately in private. It made no sense. I thought she was teasing me, touching me and kissing me when I couldn't "do anything about it," then rejecting me with a laugh or a vicious taunt like "do you HAVE to do that? Can't you EVER stop?" in private moments. I hated it and I hated her. One day at her parents' house, one of her family friends jokingly asked why we didn't already have a dozen children, the way we always had to be touching each other, ha ha ha? It was all I could do to smile and be quiet, because I wanted to say, "Because she won't let me touch her for real and hasn't for a year. Because what you're seeing right now is bullshit she uses to make it look like she's in love with me, but I know better. Because when we get home and no one is watching, if I try to kiss her a little longer or touch her a little more sexually, she'll push me away and call me a pervert."
Just typing it is bringing back that sick-to-my-stomach feeling I carried around with me at all times back then.
