"Everything I've done, I've done to fight for our marriage and our family." And, "I felt they had a right to know the truth. I have decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair."
Re: R convos. From my personal archives:
Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:
2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.
3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.
4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.
5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?
I used to tell my wife, when she REPEATEDLY tries to initiate a conversation with me, usually with a stern "We need to talk!", that "Look, there's really only two things to talk about: the end of our marriage, or our relationship. The end of our marriage is best handled by our attorneys, and I have no intention of discussion our marriage relationship with you so long as you've invited a third person into it. Now, I need to go (insert GAL activity here)."
My H is already having a low moment tonight and he's not even aware of work exposure yet. He did his first pick dd up for a visit (in the genre of divorced dad). Dropped her off and wanted to know if he could come in and help put her to bed. I said, "no thanks, I got it." Was cordial and polite to him but made not attempt to have extended convo with him. Told him, "I'm planning that you'll pick her up Sat AM" given our previous agreement - he said "Are you leaving?" and I said "not sure." Wanted to know if he could have dd here. Simply said no. He texted a few mins ago to know if I could have dd call him to say good night. She was already asleep. He's prob crying in his car somewhere over the mess he's made - which as sorry as I am that it had to come to this, I see it as a sign that the bottom is coming.
My mom is coming into town on Sunday to help me hold down the fort. H is taking a whole week off and wanted to have dd in our house (with me gone) whole week. Of course legally he could refuse to leave house but having my mom here for 3 days would make it really uncomfortable for him.
He just texted me and asked for me to put together a spreadsheet of all our $$ tonight - I didn't respond. Of course he has no where to take dd and is trying to wrack his brain about what to do. Not sure what to do with this. I think it falls under the legal/finanical bullet listed above. We don't have lawyers in the picture yet - not sure if I should invoke them at this point (of course I've consulted with one but don't think H knows that).
GAL update: I hung out with a neighbor friend while dd was with H tonight. Planning to go out dancing with another friend Saturday. Just need plans for Friday because darn it, that's our wedding anniversary and if I sit at home then I'm lame. I will have dd so maybe I will figure out something to do with her.
I think it's time to lawyer up, Mel. It's reasonable to expect him to do something(s) drastic when he gets exposed at work, and/or as he reacts to these new arrangements. You should be better- and more-thoroughly-counseled at that point.
You are under no obligations to do his financial planning for him. Share with him only what serves YOUR (or your daughter's) purposes to do so. Everything else should go thru attorneys.
Hey Pup - How long was it between when you exposed and when you and your wife reconciled? I'm coming to terms with the fact that nothing's going to be quick. In terms of lawyering up - do lawyers handle these things before you file?
What if some of our $$ are in acounts that are in my name only - did this just out of convienence. H doesn't know account numbers or passwords - should I make him go thru a lawyer to get them?
