so much there! Its a little late and it will take me forever to respond and I will try to do that tomorrow but I wanted to touch on a few things.
one thing that I want to do is thank all of you if I have not enough for your thoughts and concern because I KNOW that all of it comes from the right place -- that you care about me and want to help me find my way. obviously that is why I'm here as well.
who is the real me? that obviously is a question that I have wrestled with a lot over the last year. I'm still figuring it out. It is not "ct surgeon". I was a very successful ski racer for many years and that was how I identified myself. Perhaps you can see how that might have screwed me up. then I think my identity was tied into being married to my wife and being a dad (though I have only recently really "felt" that)... just now I'm starting to find myself again. this whole thing crushed my confidence, called many things into question-- still does.
jack if I didn't pass the test it would have been a bump in the road-- but I could sit for the test again in a year. it was not a factor in staying here but was a factor likely in my job security for now. I still hold in my back pocket- if I cannot get my boys here- going up there to get back into the university system by doing a critical care fellowship-- then being an acute care surgeon. this is all very appealing in a lot of ways since I miss the academic world, it would allow me to work with medical students and residents, and I believe it would allow me to have a much more flexible schedule and time to spend with my boys. so that is still very much in play. the option is still there. and I think about it a lot. living in the same town as her, however, given her way-- may be a bad idea. I feel like the dust has to settle and things need to be worked out-- in court. \
TG-- its a huge power struggle. you are right. but it doesn't have to be...
and of course I want to be happy. that is all I want. I want to be happy, I want my boys to have a stable happy life and I want to be a part of it. I will say that being a type a carrot chaser is a curse. if I could do it all over again I would choose something that would not have been so hard and would have let me achieve balance in my life.
as for the beotch spawn from hell... well... I don't know how to answer that. I've been trying to figure that out.
Twink I"m not that guy. one of my previous partners and many other surgeons I have seen and worked with are. I don't do an operation unless I really think the benefits outweigh the risks. I also do not flog people endlessly when there is no chance for survivial. But I am in the minority that way.
"Can you see that now that you're through, she would like to reap those benefits in the form of an engaged and present husband and father? Does she see you instead continuing to build your career at the expense of that? "
NO! I don't see that. I was willing to give it all up-- and she didn't want that. in fact she has done everything to sabatoge my career this year by leaving (this does not help when trying to build a practice in a small, family oriented town) and torturing me daily by leaving things up in the air, not letting me plan visitation with my boys, and sending me nasty texts just before I'm heading in to do cases. I was willing to give it up to move up there to be there for her and the boys and she basically gave me the gas face and told me to f off... she wants to reap the benefits of my salary-- but have me live in another state, keep quiet, and not remind her of what she has done. that's what she wants.
I WISH that she wanted to do all of those things. but unfortunately she does not.
and lotus- thank you for your kind words. every day this week I have met someone new and I'm building a new social network. I got asked out to dinner to night (by a dude who's family was away but it was still great-- we had a good talk and I think we will be good friends) another nurse in the unit is kindof taking me under her wing and finding me other fathers in town that I can hang with along with my boys when they are here... so little by little.
