The saga continues

[OfficerInNeed]

CG,
Together for 10 years and 5 months. Married for 9 months.

About the movies. A friend invited us. I told her about the invite and she agreed to go. If she would had said no I would had still went. Turns out friends W wanted it to be a family thing and so I respected that. I passed the message onto W and she said "We can still go just not with them if you want" and I made the decision not to go.

W and I sorted out some bills and made payments. I heard how hungry she is and throw a fit about it all night. I said nothing or would say "your right, there is nothing to eat" a few times.

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Gucci,
What is the status of your sitch? reconciled or divorced if you don't mind me asking.

What exactly have you been doing for 20 years? divorce busting?

I have tried many times to explain the dynamic of my sitch. As I said in a previous post my W and I have been together since I was 17 and she 14. During the 10 year span we developed what we thought was the way to love each other. In reality, as many of you have said, it was more of a father-daughter relationship. I was controlling and W enabled it. We did not know how to love each other so the way we expressed our feelings was natural to each other.

I guess you can say I played two roles...the boyfriend and then the father. My controlling behavior included the typical "you can't talk to this person" or "you cannot do this/that" and over the years my W accepted this as the normal and I continued because it worked.

On top of that I would say some pretty hurtful (extremely hurtful and outrageous things to my W). I had terrible insecurities and always had the fear of losing my W to someone else. My answer was to simply lower herself esteem to make her feel as if no one else wanted her. I think overtime it became a habit and I became addicted to the put downs. I said things just to get a rise out of her and hope she would become clingy or just feel terrible about herself and things she did. I remember saying "Your a terrible W." I use to tell my W I wasted 10 years of my life and that I did not want to be married to her ect... it goes on and on. Did I ever mean these things? No, never I did them because it felt natural and I knew it would break her down.

W has enough and tells me it is over, she confide in OM cause he finds her beautiful and feeds into her emotions. I, meanwhile, realize that my marriage is falling apart and never intended for this to happen. Now I realize how sick I was and that I needed some serious help and I get it. I have a new outlook on everything in life but now its too late as far as my W is concerned.

My W is growing up and the same time she still believes in fairy tale relationships and doe snot have the advantages I have to know what it truly means to love someone in a healthy way. She thinks unconditional love is putting up with crap and pissy attitude no matter what, basically was she had gone through for 10 years (no exactly but in her mind that long).

W admits we had good times but the bad outweigh the good and its too little too late for changes because she has pleaded for changes for years and all I ever did was shoot her down and tell her I did not want to be with her and encourage her to leave.

Tomorrow is her birthday as I mentioned, would it be OK to try and do something special for her? I know it goes against everything that has been discussed in the past 24hrs but...