Still trying to find my way

[TimeHeals]

I see a future of being alone, loving H and hurting while he goes on with his life.

Good thing you can't really see the future, eh? I can't see the future either, but somehow--no matter what happens--I can't imagine it being as bleak as you imagine it will be if you decide to live your life with or without your H.

You seriously need to work on the detachment, and you do that one little thing at a time (taking your son to the park, learning a new recipe, getting a dog, take up writing, and so on) so you can climb back up and into a better life than you have known so far.