jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...that was deep!!!
If you try and look at it from her perspective (this is just my opinion of what it might be)
so bradley wants to move here to try and control my life after I gave up 9 years of mine for him
he decided his career was more important and now he is trying to take my boys from me
he is going to use his money aand position to make me look bad and take the boys from me and I will never get to see them
I did not sign on to be a part time parent
the only way he is going to let me be a mom is to move back in with him
that is just an idea of what she maaaaaay be thinking
the only reason, i believe, that anyone wanted you to move was to be closer to your boys...to put them 1st to think of someone else before how it effects you
Thank you for your support (remember those bartles and james ads?)
trust me when I say I would love nothing more than to get this thing settled... but its really hard when W doesn't want to face reality, will not dicuss things rationally and does not put the kids first.
and as for the alien sand wedge? whatever works! I chipped a little yesterday.
hey are you on the alt?
Jack... did it help you to know more about me? I am pretty transparent.
here is the bottom line. I'd quit my job right now if it meant that I could be a full time dad some how. I really would. but as it was and is that was not the option. going there and letting her continue to control them and me just was not the right thing. I hope yall can understand that...
again... I may head up there if she "wins"... but right now I want to fight where I am-- where I believe it would be best for them to be as well.
I also gave up 9 years of my life for her and the boys. I continue to really not have much of a life. Those 9 years were not a walk in the park. this was something that we were doing together-- I thought. if I wasn't married I probably would not have stuck it out. I stuck it out for the whole team.
did I do a good job of cherishing her, making her feel important, and balancing all of it? no. I realize that and that is the cross I have to bear. I also loved her completely, never cheated on her, and tried to give her everything she asked for.
I am not an ego maniac. I am not a controlling person. I really only wanted a balanced life with my wife who I loved and to be a dad for my boys-- this still is my primary focus.
she made it clear she did NOT WANT me there. that she would continue to "let" me see the boys at her whim. she would torture me as she has for a long time.
she told me she would come back here at the end of the year. she told me that this was only temporary. she lied about all of these things.
I understand her perspective. My question to you is this: does it justify her actions?
does it justify abandoning me? having an affair? putting the boys in an unstable environment where they are being shuffled back and forth 8 hours a weekend--- only for one reason? to have an affair in another town? and not have any job or way to support herself or the boys?
if I had the sense that she would be fair, that she would give me access to the boys, and that she would want me to be there where I can co-parent the boys and we could peacefully co-exist I would never have hesitated. but as the days got closer to the move it became clear that she had no intention of doing so. and then she threatened to leave when I was going to move there-- and you put that together with the career suicide move I was going to make and perhaps you can understand why I did what I did-- and understand that in a year I may be going there anyway-- if I cannot get my boys back here. I felt it was worth a shot to try and stick where I was an not allow here to destroy everything-- her life (she is miserable), my life, my career, and the boys life. it was as if you would be handing the car keys and the bank card to a 12 year old and say, "you're in charge!"...
I believe the only person in this relationship who is thinking of themselves only is her.
let me ask you a hypothetical question which was based very much in reality.
would I have made the right decision if I gave up my job here, quit heart surgery for good, became a general surgeon... and then she packed it up and left?
Are you looking for justifications for your choices? [censored] man...I am not part of the circle of people you pick and choose whos judgement should matter to you.
Not hypothetically, I moved to Alaska to get away from the maddening crowd and what it took to live a life at least an hour commute and faster better more mentality.
I GUARNETEE that my choices will differ from yours just based upon who I am and the things that shape me.
My focus has never been on my job. It has never driven me.
I am REALLY not judging you Bradley, I get to play with the words YOU give me.
I think you are hurt and I think you are surprised that she lied to you, I also think you are mad at yourself for being surprised, I think you are glossing over some details and we all paint ourselves brighter than the 'villian' I think that you are trying to figure out if this 'right' for you. And it is not my place to validate you or tell you what is right for you. I think that being a CT is so important to you that it dominate your plans...and the past 9 years.
I also think that if you did not pass the test this converstation might be very different.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I am in the alt and I am your only friend there named Kerry. I am not much of an fb user - I just post occasional pics of the kids for friends and family.
she made it clear she did NOT WANT me there. that she would continue to "let" me see the boys at her whim. she would torture me as she has for a long time.
Hey man I got two words for you...
POWER STRUGGLE
Originally Posted By: bradley
I am not an ego maniac. I am not a controlling person.
Then you haven't looked hard enough...
Listen man You don't get to be where you are with your career without that.
You have to control every minute of your f@cking day.
So...
Do you want to be the smartest guy in the room like you've been most your life?
Or do you want to be happy?
Brad look around at your peers.
I mean really look at them.
Do you want to be them?
Who DO you want to be?
You are here man.
Drop to your knees and thank whatever power you think is greater than you that you are.
This may be the best opportunity you'll ever get...
Dig deep...
Who is Bradley?
AND
Is your W really the SHE BEOTCH SPAWN FROM HELL and she has been fooling you for most your life together?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Bradley, I asked you several posts back what motivated your career choice.
Quote:
If you are a person who likes action much more than words, likes using your brain to figure out why someone is sick -- and then going in and fixing it -- if you are task oriented person...
Are you a fixer in your relationships? Do you listen to someone and decide quickly what the problem is? Do you offer your suggestions without being asked? Did you do that with your W?
Quote:
I was also drawn to it because it was sort of like the Top Gun thing. it is the ultimate challenge in surgery and it draws people who are compelled to challenge themselves.
There are many ways to challenge yourself, but this specialty, IMO, sometimes draws MDs who thrive on "saving" people because they can, regardless of if they should. I can't share my very personal experience here, but are you the CT guy who wants to show his stuff when it may not be in your patient's best long term interest? If so, does that translate into your personal Rs? Do you rescue when you really shouldn't?
Quote:
..is much nicer than sloshing around in the belly with fat, poop and guts sorry if that is too graphic)
Umm...no, it's not. I'm a bio major with some experience in the hospital...and I am also a mother LOL!
Bradley, I still see a lot of ego in your posts. Ego is healthy to a point, and I understand how it's helped you achieve what you have, but it can interfere with relationships if not contained. I hear you talking about your years of training and what a commitment that was. You went through all of that, you say, for the benefit of your family. You admit that your W also gave up a lot to support you. Can you see that now that you're through, she would like to reap those benefits in the form of an engaged and present husband and father? Does she see you instead continuing to build your career at the expense of that?
B, I'm not trying to beat on you. Really. I know that things are often much more complex than what's apparent. Just some things to think about. I have found that the more I seek to empathize with what my MLC H might be going through, the more compassion and forgiveness I can find. That translates into less anger and more detachment, which can only be good for me.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Hi, Bradley. Sounds to me like you did the right thing. We can't know what will be right for you. Don't blame us if we guess wrong. Good for you for sticking with your choices. Don't understand why you would have trouble making friends. You attract people to you here. Perhaps the place you live does not have many people who are your "type" of person. I've noticed that I make lots of friends in some parts of the country, and can't relate to the people in others. Generally, people like someone who is nice to them. I'm sure you know how to do that. Hint -- they like to be treated to drinks or meals, or some other gesture of giving.
