Stuck and don't know how to proceed

[twolf]

Look what you are going through now you are persuing and its getting you no where.

I know hard it is when the wheels in your head keep spining.

You have said it your self what happens when you stop with the contact.

Go to the event have a good time.Dont inform him on it just keep it to yourself
if he asks just say "fine" and leave it at that.


In my opinion you expect him to come runing but thats IS NOT HAPPNING.

You are the one running when he calls!


You have to learn to detach.

Im going to quote SANDI here

Its not doing what you think that works but doing the things that do.

[Vulcanized]

I blew it today. I got VIP tix to a major event this afternoon. Sent H a text to see if he wanted to join me. We had talked about this event a couple of weeks ago. He replied. Thanks, but sorry, no. People on vacation and we are just swamped.

I responded, K - Too bad.

That was it. I am going to go anyway of course. I have a gut feeling that going dim/dark is going to backfire on me. I can't explain why. I already have a life, but now it feels more empty. My emotions feel all over the place this week.

Hi SF,

I tend to think that going dim/dark is helpful in more cases than not. If your H doesn't make the effort to see/contact/interact w/you, I think dark is the way to go. Do you think this will backfire b/c you are afraid to do it? It is difficult, but I find that it gets easier the longer you do it.

[Allen A]

It helps a LOT MROE if you have a good exposure program in place for what H is doing... if you don't then you are not going to get much out of it.. if you go dark on him but keep his infidelity a secret he's just going to assume you are ok with it but don't want to know the details

[sportsfan]

The A was exposed last fall. His mom and best friend already knew about the OW and did nothing. I told my family and closest friends and they, of course, support me in whatever I decide. OW didn't know he was married, so nothing to expose there. I have verified as best that I can that there is no OW right now.

When we talked about the R several months ago, I told him I didn't want to jump right back in. That doesn't work. His IC agreed and said baby steps to repair the damage. H said he wanted to come back for the right reasons. I'm sure he is afraid of things going back to what they were when we were both unhappy and so am I. I feel that we have stalled recently and I want to push forward. Figured I'd try something different.

RNM: Yes, I am afraid to go dark.

[sportsfan]

I may have had an epiphany on why I'm questioning the dark aspect. When H left almost two years ago, I had been essentially dark towards him. While we went out and had fun at times, I did not have a PMA. When I think back, I wouldn't have wanted to be around me. I wouldn't have wanted to be married to me. I wouldn't have wanted to come home to me. The way I was pushed him away. Absolutely, he was wrong to start up with someone else. In his mind, it was probably an exit A.

Then something happened. I decided I wanted my life back. I wanted me back. H then found me attractive again. Wanted to hang out with me again. I think that if I went completely dark, that would be going down cheeseless tunnels. I do believe that I need a change though. I think dim is more appropriate. I am definitely going to pull back and let him miss me and hope that he does. I will make myself more mysterious. I will be my happy-go-lucky self, but not be as available. I will not respond to every text or accept every invitation.

What do ya all think? Gotta head to the event! Will check in tomorrow.

[Allen A]

From what I gather there is no affair going on right now at all with your H? He's honest and forthright about his activities?

[sportsfan]

Got back early so logged in. Yes Allen. Right now there is no active A going on. I'm fighting the ghost of an A which ended in the fall. He has been honest and I have verified some things without his knowledge. If something is going on, it is really underground. Anything is possible I suppose. After all, we don't live together.

[sportsfan]

Any suggestions on what to do after the A is exposed and over?

Also, I know it varies based on the intensity and duration of the A, but typically how long does it take WS to get through the withdrawal of the OP?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If there is complete, 100% no-contact, then you can realistically expect "hard withdrawal" (near-depressive state, laying in bed, calling in sick to work, etc.) to last from 1-4 weeks, depending on how deeply involved the two of them were. TOTAL withdrawal will happen in fits and starts, gradually improving, and take anywhere from 6-24 months, again, depending on how deeply involved they were.

If she breaks the no-contact, then each encounter with OM will set her "withdrawal clock" back to near 0:00.

Puppy

[sportsfan]

I'm told H and OW's R was passionate and intense for about a year and a half. I have no idea how he feels about her now. They broke up last fall. I'm almost afraid to ask because he was brutally honest when we talked about it two months into withdrawal.

And yes, I'm a woman and a total sportsfan. My H is the WS. Easy mistake. Thank you for the info Puppy.

Now if I could just figure out how to try to reconcile while separated.