FWIW, the Bo Peep approach did NOT work for me. IMO and my experience it simply allows the cheater to have his cake and eat it too. Plus it puts you in limbo, waiting for months or even years for a resolution. People in general do not want to and will not change unless they are faced with a crisis or otherwise forced to do so.
I did talk to a DB coach who told me to do the same things you are being told. It completely eroded my self-esteem and let BF continue with his EA/PA unhampered. Only when I actively took steps to expose the affair, laid out my boundaries and the consequences for crossing them, and then enforced the consequences did I turn my sitch around.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Okay Puppy, I took your advice and did some serious snooping that I'm not proud of, but at least now I know. I spied on him while he was texting her two nights ago and again last night. Didn't get anything definitive the first night, but last night they talked about how they want to be together forever, how she wishes she could crawl through the computer and be with him and then he signed off "I love you, miss you, want you and need you" and he typed it so quickly it is obviously something he writes to her often.
Having said that, we have had sex 3 times in the past 4 nights, he spoons with me all night long, kisses me hello and good-bye etc.
So what is the plan now? I am not sure if the relationship has actually moved to a physical level or not. Do I keep up surveillance until I know if it is a PA or not? How do I confront him, what do I say especially because he has already filed for divorce and obviously isn't committed to the marriage.
I'm so sorry! I know this must be a real blow to your gut. Believe me, I HATE being right on this stuff, I really do. I DETEST AFFAIRS!!!
I am absolutely SLAMMED at work at the moment, but I WILL be back in touch over my lunch hour today. In the meantime, don't do anything other than continue to collect intel.
How did you get all of this? With a keylogger?
I'm sorry to say, Waterbur, but he's probably getting himself all whipped up into a horny frenzy with her online, and then going and having sex with you for the relief. It's pretty typical, sadly.
Okay Puppy, I took your advice and did some serious snooping that I'm not proud of, but at least now I know. I spied on him while he was texting her two nights ago and again last night. Didn't get anything definitive the first night, but last night they talked about how they want to be together forever, how she wishes she could crawl through the computer and be with him and then he signed off "I love you, miss you, want you and need you" and he typed it so quickly it is obviously something he writes to her often.
Having said that, we have had sex 3 times in the past 4 nights, he spoons with me all night long, kisses me hello and good-bye etc.
So what is the plan now? I am not sure if the relationship has actually moved to a physical level or not. Do I keep up surveillance until I know if it is a PA or not? How do I confront him, what do I say especially because he has already filed for divorce and obviously isn't committed to the marriage.
Thanks you in advance for ANYONE's help!
waterbur
Waterbur ~~~~ Sister to sister: Cut him off. No more sex. You are worth way, way, way more than that! He is COURTING another woman, at the very least, and "doing" you. I'm sorry, my friend, to be so blunt - but if we are delicate about these things, you might miss the point. Next time he .... spoons.... give him a firm elbow so that he gets your message. If he asks what's up, tell him, "I don't want you right now."
You are not Plan B!
And NEVER have sex with someone who is suing you!
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Yes, obviously the sex is going to stop. I don't want to get an STD for one thing. Other than last night, I wasn't sure if they were truly having an affair, and I guess I still don't know if it is a PA.
I have been debating about a keylogger, but for now have just been spying around the corner of our living room - I can see his computer screen but he can't see me. Seems pathetic but I guess I would feel worse with the keylogger. BTW, anyone have any good recommendations for one if I decide to go that route?
Strangely, I am really calm about this. I think it is a relief to finally know that I haven't been crazy, jealous insane girl like he has been making me out to be all this time. And as I was reading their texts I almost felt like I was spying on a teenage son or something - the texting seemed really juvenile and lacking in substance. And nothing overtly sexual, just more passionate in a teenage way and flirty.
Don't feel bad about spying. Someone is attacking your M and you have a right to know what is going on. If your H will not be honest with you then you have to resort to other methods.
A keylogger is good so you have hard copies of communication that can prove H is having an affair. It may be important in D and/or custody negotiations. If the computer is marital property then it should be ok to install the keylogger. Ask your attorney. If you don't have one, get one now. Having a consultation doesn't mean you have to move forward with anything and it's important to know what your rights are under the law in your state.
I used eBlaster, it was the best $100 I ever spent.
And I totally agree with Greek's advice.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 06/30/1008:26 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Okay, so what do I do now? They are definitely having an affair. I confront him and tell him that he has to have no contact with her if our marriage has any chance. He has already filed for divorce, so I am positive he will say he will not stop the affair. Then what do i do - have him move out and then go no contact?
Wow, this is really hard to read the keystroke log. It is so painful to see him say those things to someone else.
YOu tell him "I know all about you and ______, and it needs to stop -- now. It's incredibly disrespectful to me, and to our marriage. Even if you are divorcing me, it's still disrespectful and I won't tolerate it in my own house. I suggest you find another place to live; I'd like you out by the end of the month."
Who pays for the internet connection? If it's you, stop paying for it. If it's him, then set up a jammer that won't allow him access. You shouldn't have to put up with this kind of disrespectful, crap behavior, in your own home.
So what is the "or else" consequences? You know him best, and can come up with your own list, but I'd start by exposing to his parents, if they're still living, and with the other woman's husband, if she's married. That usually puts a stop to it right there.
Yes, he's already filed for divorce, Waterbur, but you still have your self-respect.
You bet I do. I just need a solid plan, thank you for your advice. Can you give some suggestions of what other people have used as their "or else?" And definitely the parents, the OW spouse and several people at work will be told. Everyone has suspected it for years so it probably won't be a big surprise to anyone (maybe his parents).
So far my plan is: Confront exactly as you said. Add that I want him to end this affair and commit to our marriage, or he will have to find somewhere else to live.
While he is still in the house:
1. State that no contact with Toni while physically in the house - no more IM while I am sitting in the living room with him. 2. Sleep in separate rooms 3. No alone time with the kids - I don't want them exposed to his shameful behavior. (this will kill him)
When he has moved out: 1. Kids will sleep in this house with me every night until a court orders otherwise, and a very brief visitation schedule will be worked out (also will kill him, he loves the boys) 2. Do not ever come to the house if I am not here. 3. Do not contact me, except by e-mail and only about visitation of the kids.
