What is it that you all would consider 'success'? What would need to happen or be said for it to be successful or progress?
Success in my books would be for you to start living your own life and not have it hanging on:
- every word your WAW says - every expression on her face - every grunt and snort she utters - every whine and whimper she mutters
Here's one thing I've seen.. (I'm not up to speed on your entire thread but I have read your posts from time to time)
Whatever you have done so far has been bending over backwards to please HER... you have done very little to please yourself.
You want success?
Stop living for her and start living and doing things for you. (Pssst... it's called getting a life) Things that you enjoy, bring you pleasure and satisfy you - IRRESPECTIVE of how that will affect your WAW.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
The catalyst for your W wanting to fix up the home was a party SHE wanted on HER timeline and only inviting HER people.
When things didn't go quite her way she threw a vase and destroyed photos.
Talk is cheap. Who cares what she says she wants to do a year down the road to the house. Her actions scream on a daily basis she didn't want to be there with you. Hell, maybe she was thinking she would get the house in the divorce hence her planning.
I think your just keeps her mouth shut to appease you (so you think she is having a good time) because when you are appeased she doesn't have to deal with anything. When you start to grow a spine is when she throws her fits and makes her threats.
It's not so much about progress IMO it's more that when you do things to her liking she will keep quiet and you interpret that to be progress.
Being so literal, needing to be in control, needing your W to see things "your way" are all things you need to work on.
She might have only verbalized hate to you recently but her actions have said hate for a long time. You seem to have tunnel vision and I think if you expanded your vision a bit more things would be more clear.
You and your W both have LOTS of things you need to work on as individuals. I honestly thought you and your W were in your 50's or 60's based on the way she acts. I was pretty stunned to learn you are both not yet 30. Her inability to manage daily things (her job schedule, basic communication with words, her talking through the dog) despite her physical issues is very, very serious and that alone can cause all kinds of anger.
So, if a group of strangers is telling you that all you thought was good actually wasn't... what will you do now?
OIN, You are a tolerable alternative and, frankly, the path of least resistance for her. Sometimes staying is more tolerable than others (peace vs. snippyness); sometimes the trade-off is more reasonable than others (let you do the work around the pretty house vs. having to move and handle it all); sometimes it's an annoying pain in the ass but it's still good enough for right now (I treat him like [censored] but he still does stuff for me).
In her mind you are the root of all evil, and nothing you say or do to or for her is going to change her mind. Your relationship, such as it is, will continue to drift up and down along the "relative scale of suckiness" until something radical happens.
Change the circumstances. You've been told how. You don't want to, that's fine, but stop looking for the way to do it that fits in with what you want to do and keeps you in control. Either you're willing to do what works or you're not, but the answer isn't going to change no matter how many times or in how many different ways you ask the question.
Not that my H wants to get back together with me (he lives with OW, lol!) but recently he has been contacting me... asking me if he can come for dinner, texting me from a concert, texting me the next day, writing me a note with my spousal maintenance check and texting me on our anniversary. Keep in mind we have had virtually NO CONTACT since Nov. of 2009. Once he moved in with OW I gave up on him totally. I didn't tell him that of course. I know he doesn't want to get back together (maybe me and him and OW can be housemates, lol!) but I do think he is nervous I am no longer in the background to be his friend.
It might take your W a long time to start sniffing around again but it might happen. You might not get back together if she does come sniffing but it will be the only way to have a chance IMO.
Doesn't matter what you call it. Just do it for Pete's sake.
Quote:
You might find out something very interesting..
THAT is when they come back....
And NOT before...
It works.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
In her mind you are the root of all evil, and nothing you say or do to or for her is going to change her mind.
I'll simulataneously disagree with that and agree with all the other advice given here.
The ONLY thing that will possibly change her mind is letting her go. Let her feel life without you in it. Time has a magical property of cleansing and clarifying toxic situations like this.
I was like you a year ago, analyzing my W's behavior, looking for sand-grain-sized indications of change. When the change finally comes, it WON'T be subtle. Instead of vague hints at a possible future, mixed in with an ocean of negativity, she'll be the one defending the M, saying how it's not worth throwing away, validating your changes, etc. Don't waste your time doing this micro-analysis. Your W is miserable, and is feeling horribly trapped. Let her go, let her feel life without the pressure. Let time work its magic on her for six months or a year. Only after that long will you potentially see real movement.
Yes, I am 27. W is going to be 25 tomorrow. I was 17 and W was 14 when we meant.
It's funny, you all say "your young you got your whole life ahead of you" and here I am saying "I'm old"
Can there be a happy medium?
What I mean is. Friend I work with invited me and my W to join him at a show. I asked W if she would like to join us W replied "if you want to go" and I said "I'm going." Leaving the decision up to my W if she wants to join or not if she said no I would still go. Is that wrong? To invite her at this point?
Also While I was sitting back in another room in the house reading all your posts and trying to take it all in W had txt me "Where are you" as she was downstairs. I eventually made my way downstairs and W said "I am hungry there is nothing to eat." I said in return "Your right there is nothing" and then walked into the kitchen. Usually I would have offered suggestions and/or provided a solution. I would say that my W said "i'm hungry" or "there nothing to eat" at least 15 times after that and I said nothing...she was talking to herself so I just let her talk to herself.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
