WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

journaling.
suddenly i feel stupid for my rant.
i read a response from gucci loafer to officerinneed.
gucci said to validate the was.
give them what they want.
be it space or a d.

coach, forrest: i think in my thread here, often times you say you say you won't stop them from filing but you make it clear it is not what you want.

why are the two approaches (gucci vs. coach) different?
when is it right to use one approach vs. the other? both are valid.

also, i hear the term "drop the rope" a lot.
why haven't you told me to drop the rope?
i guess i'm not holding him back.
but my mind is my worst enemy right now.
it makes me say all of the wrong things.

[MrBond]

Going through the thread, you have been advised to "drop the rope" many times, just not maybe in those specific words. It means to detach yourself from the roller coaster that your WAS is on.

It means to focus on yourself and GAL. YOu're right that your mind is your worst enemy. Fill your life with things that are fulfilling and not negative. Stop living for your spouse and live for you. That's what dropping the rope means.

[DumpedforMIL]

thanks Mr.Bond.

i know that this week has been bad because people are asking.
i never made an official announcement to anybody that this was happening.
so when friends start asking, it's like re-opening the wounds.
i was doing so well and then .. someone just has to come along and ask.

i'm not begging him to stay. there is no children to keep us in contact.
in fact, we don't communicate at all anymore.
i don't text him, i don't call him, i don't send him email.
the d will go through quietly.
and we will never see or speak to one another ever again.
and my question is .. why? what happened that caused my m to become this way? i have no answers.

i know. i may never get them.
this is what will keep me angry for the rest of my life.
i want the truth from him. not from what i read from his forum.

ic in about 2 hrs.

[MrBond]

hugs.

You're searching for answers that YOU won't find the answer to. The only one who knows why is your spouse. All you have control over is you. What can you do to be happy aside from your M.

Right now there is no M. When you were single, how did you "survive". What were the things you did for yourself? Do that now.

Fill your thoughts of him with thoughts of something else. GAL is so important to you right now. Do it for your sake. Concentrate on you and not the pity of the D.

[DumpedforMIL]

when i was single, i didn't have a life.
i buried myself in work. i wasn't happy.
i was okay living that way though.
i didn't do anything for myself. but i saved for a home.
and i did that. i bought myself a house.

i play a lot of squash now and i live like i'm 23 with no responsibilities. this is what GAL is for me.
although i do have fun playing squash.

[MrBond]

Then keep concentrating on that.

If you really do have a tough time, a little extra "prescribed" help wouldn't be so bad. At least to get the edge off for now. Look to do something that you look forward to doing every day. Maybe you could try volunteering somewhere and help someone who appreciates you. Nothing better to boost the self-esteem than that.

[DumpedforMIL]

i have avoided going to the doctor because i don't want the 'prescribed' help.
i come from the Tom Cruise camp of no drugs please.
no, i'm not a scientologist
(Mr.Bond, you're just glib. haha .. isn't that what Tom said to Matt Lauer?)

it's just not something i do.
it's because i fear being addicted to it.
it's the same reason why i don't gamble.
i can see myself becoming addicted to it.
i'll sit at the slot machine and i feel the rush in me to try again and again and again.
i don't want to be dependent on a drug to take the edge off.
the next time i think the rush is coming, i'll pop a pill before i even know if it's a real edge. me and drugs would not make a good combo.

for a while, i started spending a lot to fill the void.
only to find out now that all the stuff i bought, filled the void temporarily.
i know i cannot keep buying like that.

i know this will pass.
i know i have to focus on myself and drop the rope.
i have to stop talking about what happened.
look forward and talk about what i am going to do tomorrow.

you may be right that i need to do some volunteering.
i've always wanted to work in a soup kitchen.
i love to cook so it would be a good thing for me.
thanks for the encouragement.

[MrBond]

Feed your soul and you'll find your way out of the pit you're in. You could always meditate, go for a massage, etc.

The soup kitchen thing is good. I volunteered at a hospital for kids myself. It felt so inspired seeing these kids fighting for their lives, but remaining optimistic.

Puts us adults to shame.

[DumpedforMIL]

journaling .. (only talk about me)

reviewed my thread today.
i have failed miserably at my task.
i've never failed before. not even in school.

checkpoint.
know what triggers your meltdowns - when someone who doesn't know, asks me how things are going with h.
the fix - "i would prefer not to discuss it because it causes me to relive that painful part of my past. i cannot heal that way."
that statement worked. in the past, i would vent. so i tried something different.

i spent time away from squash - mom came for a visit.
had a great time.
she attended my baking class the other day as well. the teacher said i did very well on my assignment.

i do want some help from my mentors out there.
since the bottom fell out of my m, it's been all about me.
i have forgotten about everyone else except for myself. it has been pointed out to me twice already.
i didn't send out any cards to anybody this year.
not for mother's day, or birthdays.

i am being asked to move home. to forget about this and go home.
i am resisting. i don't want to go home.
i don't want to face anybody.
going home would mean having no life.
the problem with staying is that detaching is harder.
being in different cities would make it easier.
but being away would mean leaving this for good.

his actions alone have made many ask me why i want to continue to be with him. he's a petty child.

i know that db-ing is going to be the hardest thing for me to do. i am feeling it now. it is hard because i keep falling back into the toilet bowl. just when i think i'm doing okay, i fall back in.

i know it's not a sprint but a marathon. i don't know if i have it in me to finish the marathon.

how do you sort out your emotions at this point and move on with your life without everyone telling you that you're making decisions based on emotion?
i don't want to wake up 5 yrs down the road and then ask myself "what do i want to do today?"

you have to say .. ok, it's just me now. let's do what's best for me.

[MrBond]

If people bring it up to you, just thank them for their concern and that you will take it under consideration. Then drop it.

The thing is that you haven't detached your emotions from your H, so everything starts triggering you. I was like you where everyone kept saying I needed to forget her, she's crazy, etc.

The comments were just getting me down. My boss who has been like a mentor to me, saw something was wrong and asked me about it. After I told her what was going on, she told me this...
"It's obvious you still love your wife. Don't listen to anyone else. It's not their marriage. Only you can decide when it is ready to quit not anyone else. If you want to fight, then that's your choice. If you choose to give in, that's a choice too. The fact is that you have the power to choose. With that power, you do anything you set your mind to."

Now only you will know how much you will be able to handle. Understand that while you can't control your H. You can control you.