Had a HUGE insight today and a potential big piece of the puzzle slammed into place.
The pattern of WAW's behavior for the entire relationship (nearly 14 years) and even before we got serious has always been to "run away " when things got to be more then she could handle.
In Winter '96 she "ran" to Tennesse for awhile to escape the numerous problems and issues she was dealing with related to losing her twins and the abuse from her EX.
Everytime we would have an argument she would eventually walk out of the room or want to leave the house in the middle of it, of course triggering my instinct to want to "pursue", following room to room etc, and resolve whatever the issue was and move on. I did this with the best of intentions, even though I knew on some level it bothered her or she felt "harrassed". I suppose this speaks more to my insecurities that she wouldnt come back after she cooled off.
When we first got into a REALLY bad place like now, Summer of 2007, she "ran" and had an EA most likely PA with OM that was very short lived, related to my actual or her perception of my emotional withdrawl from her.
The EXACT same dynamic just took place between March and now of this year, the only change being she "ran" to her EX. But I had in fact started to withdrawl emotionally from her, not to the level she perceived it to be, at least not from my perspective, but she obviously felt differently.
Since her Dad walked out on her and her Mom when she was just a toddler, it seems like her "defense" if she felt I was close to walking away is to act pre-emptively and do it herself, in a manner of protecting herself. Even if I NEVER had any intention of actually doing such a thing ( NEVER DID) I can see how even the emotional withdrawl could be viewed by WAW as a metaphor for my "walking away" from her or a precursor for me doing it for real. Even though I admit Im terribly confused about how she could actually think I would be the WAS, when I've stood by her for 14 years, when there were certainly instances or arguments where I could have walked if I wanted to.
This new insight also dovetails nicely with the first few years of our R, which she has admitted to "putting me through hell" as a twisted "test" in her mind to see if she could push me away or I would eventually give up and leave her.
Its like she cant be introspective enough to look back and remember an instance and say to herself ,"he could have left but didnt, so that means something "
It seems to fall into the definition of many assumptions on the WAW's part, which I know is something a spouse shouldnt ever do.
During the EA/PA in Summer '07 she NEVER really "came clean" about it, despite my having overwhelming evidence that proved it, including texts, IM's, etc. The most she would say is acknowledging it "looked really bad". The counselor we were seeing at the time certainly didnt help any by stating to me in front of the WAW that unless I had caught her physically in the act I couldnt accuse her of anything.
I did a timeline this morning, from the year we moved in together, all the way through now, jotting down brief comments about the situation at any given year and my perception of how things were for us. I have definetly identified a VERY GOOD "sweet spot" for us somewhere between '98/'99 and 2003, which is the year we moved to Florida.
And I think things REALLY started going down hill in Fall of 2006 when we moved back. At least it did for me and my own feelings of undiagnosed depression, my frustration and feelings of failing my Wife and DD.
Hmmmm, now the question is how do I somehow manage to get the WAW to see all this newfound insight and that NONE of this is permanent or MUST BE fatal to our R, when she doesnt even want to be around me, let alone discuss R stuff. No doubt this is going to be a LONG effort, probably at least a year or more. Based on someone else's post, I think it was Ken in Dallas, it took 18 mos or something for his R with his WAW to be able to be civil,friendly and possibly moving in the right direction.
So Im still looking at my original guess of this most likely being a 3 year issue at best. 18 mos to get to "friendly" and another 18 to get to "trying to reconcile". But I'll certainly be competing with the EX for her heart the whole time. Someone pointed out to me that all I really need to do besides working on myself is offer her something better then what she has with him. And thats something I KNOW I can do.
Hoping like hell that going to DD's counseling might help accelerate that timetable some thats for sure. The counseling on how we need to be better communicators to each other and better co parents for the kids cant help but have a residual effect of starting to breakdown WAW's walls, and thats at least a start.
Hmmmm gotta really analyze this "pattern of behavior " on the wifes part that I've discovered, what it means, where it comes from, how it can be addressed , etc.
