My H has taken OW to 3 places we visited before we had the family and one where we went on honeymoon.
They do this because they remember being happy there and they go to rekindle the happiness. Unfortunately it haunts them as they are not with us but OW and it was the LBS who they have the happy memories with. Certainly when my H came back each time he looked older and more depressed than when he went lol!
They can't erase us from their memories.When they get to their destination it is us they remember and dream about.......
Thank you TG, Punkin,SA, CW, Cat, PEI, Libby & Jack
TG - Thanks so much for your post on loving detachment...beautifully said and in a perfect world I wish that I was that far....but I'm not...I'm working through the anger stage...I understand that this is a perfectly normal stage of grief...and anger helps with detachment. As that stage passes, I guess I should expect acceptance and maybe then it's going to be easier to do the "loving detachment" part. As long as I don't get stuck in the anger stage...and I know that's not where I want to be...so I will get through it.
Most days I'm OK, not angry, maybe not exactly "loving", but nevertheless detached...but some days and it's usually reactive to his actions...the anger comes forward...like today when I found out that he is taking OW to our special place...the "city of love"....where we got married and lived the first year after we got married....yes that did upset me and I was angry and sad and disappointed and shocked...you name it I felt it.
But I will get through it, for me...I don't want to become a bitter or angry person because of his actions...I want to heal end be healthy and live a happy life regardless of how this ends.
But I have to give myself time to go through the stages....so I'm not beating myself up for getting angry once in a while....but I consciously try to work on forgiveness and "loving detachment"...I will get there.
Punkin - I don't want anything really bad to happen to them while they are there, but something small, but unpleasant would be satisfying
SA - Thank you my friend for your words of support (((hugs)))
CW - This is his sister's villa they are going to stay at...she is the therapist sister that he has been talking to the whole time...they are very close. It does upset me that they are welcoming them...feels like a betrayal...we were a family for over 30 years...spent time with them every time we went to Europe, she would send her kids to me for the summer....and now he is leaving his wife and D behind and bringing OW there...it hurts.
Cat - First I heard about it from OW's H...true. But H told D yesterday and also told her not to tell me that I would be upset (so he knows that this is hurting me) Today I emailed H informing him of my days away to visit my mother (we are business partners, he needs to know if I'm gone) and H emailed back saying that he also is going away and told me when and where. I probably shouldn't have done it but I did send him a reactive email back, this is what I emailed
You are taking her to *****?...I have no words...when I think that there is nothing more you can do to hurt me....you still can...and do...
Well I didn't follow the 24 hr rule...but I don't care...he can feel guilty if he wants to.
PEI - LOL
Libby - you know how this feels, your H has been doing this as well (((hugs)))
Jack - you are right...must focus on us
TG - we CAN get to a place that is detached with love <3
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Jack - thank you....I will never forget but I may forgive. I still remember the affair 20 years ago and the pain, but I forgave him for that and had years and years when I never even thought about it, it was buried deep inside me and I left it there...never thinking about it anymore....the old affair and the hurts only came to surface again when he started this one. So I know it's possible to forgive, but not to forget.
I don't know if it made me feel better to send the e-mail... but do I feel bad about sending it?....no I don't. If I didn't say anything he may think that everything is OK and everyone is OK with this...in his fantasy world....well we are not OK with it. D said yesterday in response to him taking OW there...and these are her words..."he is a retard". How sad is that...
The other thing is that he booked this "vacation" without checking with me, about my plans or how it fits with his D's trip. His 16 year-old is flying to Europe on her own for the first time (big deal at least for me) and he is not even going to be around to see her off at the airport...he has totally checked out as a father. Texting her few times a week and having her over for a 2-hour visit once in a while....that's not parenting.
Well enough about him. This is a part of an email a good friend of mine just sent to me....I like the 15min a day thing...H sure doesn't deserve any more then that...
Stay positive, you have to learn to let go and make some changes for ``you`` now. New job, new interests etc.,etc., take care to pamper and nourish yourself. Can`t turn back the clock and no one knows what is ahead. Take 15minutes a day to think about how crappy the situation is and then every time you start to think about it again, let it go, do not hold on to it, think positive, go for a walk, so some yoga etc.,etc. This is a meditation that was taught to us in yoga..it works. You allow yourself the negative stuff but not all day. Surround yourself with ``positive people`` not negative. Play some classical music. Breath big deep breaths.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
If I didn't say anything he may think that everything is OK
You REALLY believe you need to tell him that its NOT ok? Should you tell him that murder is bad too...just in case somehow he thinks it is ok in his fantasy world too?
BTW pretty sure you know how sending it made you feel.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You REALLY believe you need to tell him that its NOT ok?
No, I guess he knows that...he didn't want D to tell me....
Quote:
BTW pretty sure you know how sending it made you feel.
OK, OK...it felt good to make him feel like the sh*t he is right now....
In the end he will do what he will do....he is obviously not going to change the course he is on just because I may be upset...so I'm going to get past this one and move on....these are the 15min I'm going to devote to thinking about this crap today....
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
