You have a pessimistic style. You want someone else to be responsible for your happiness. It sucks to be you right now.
it does. i'm trying to remember what life was like before i met my h. life was okay. i didn't care whether i met anybody or not. mind you, life was a bit boring. i was never this active. i worked a lot and i lived at home so there was always somebody there. but i am a lot more active now. i'm filling up my time to prevent myself from being bored. i fear boredom because then you realize you are alone. unwanted, if you will. like nobody wants to be with you. then you feel worthless.
i bought stuff - like new clothes, tv, household stuff. and i thought i would be happy because my complaint was that i was allowed to buy anything without his approval. and often whatever i picked, he did not approve. so i figure, i'll buy stuff and nobody has to approve. and it still doesn't make me feel better. mind you i don't return anything. i use it and i'm glad i have those things but it doesn't make me happy to say "i chose it and nobody stopped me" it's not enough.
i know you told me not to buy a house. i went and bought one anyway. my brain says it's the right thing to do. i bought it for investment purposes and it's equity. i've always wanted one and now i got one. there is an underlying fear in me that is saying this happy feeling of being a homeowner is not going to last and you'll be stuck with a home. (ie. buying stuff to fill the void)
my heart says it would be nice to share it with someone. at this point, there is nobody to share it with. my joy of getting a house is not shared with anyone. i used to revel in sharing my happiness with others and now i don't have anyone to share my happiness with.
it's weird. as i type this, i'm quite calm.
i can't share it with my family because they don't like where i am. they would like to see me in my hometown. they would be thrilled for me if my new home was closer to where they live. unfortunately, it is not. so they are not happy for me. i was thrilled when i signed for it. now i have to shop for appliances and design my home. i already have ideas on what i want. that's the exciting part. sharing has always been part of my life while growing up.
it's funny. when i was younger and i went on a trip to the local McDonalds to see how they run their franchise, they would give everyone a small bag of fries. i would eat one or two and save the rest. growing up poor, mcd's was a luxury. and with so many siblings, it was not something we could afford. so i would save my fries until i got home and shared it with my siblings. it never felt right to eat the entire bag myself without sharing with others. to this day, i still do that. we are no longer poor. but every experience i get, in the back of my mind .. i think "i wish i could share this with my family so they can see how beautiful this view/city is".
hmm .. why am i telling you this? it did make me smile talking about it.
Quote:
Yes. Your fears, doubts, limiting thoughts. Snakes keep you stuck. What triggers them and how do you quiet them?
what triggered it? the usual. a friend of mine who i hadn't spoke to in a few years sent me an email asking me how i was doing. he had met with someone and my name came up in conversation (yes, i'm miss popular :)). so he fired an email my way. after a few email exchanges, the question came up .. how is your h doing? all i said was that i didn't know what he was up to and that i haven't spoken to him in a while.
at the sales office, the sales guy asked me why i sold my home. i took a long pause. and he said he was sorry he asked. i told him that i had separated. and he said well, congratulations.
i've also had to bring it up with the mortgage broker. and constantly talking about it, is what triggers it. i wish i didn't have to. but i know i do. i have to learn how to handle it better. i am though .. i no longer go on my lengthy rants. but talking about it, reignites the anger. plus, with my mom in town i haven't been to the squash club for a few days. i don't want to use it as a crutch but it used to help.
you quiet the snakes by asking me to talk about me, my family, my accomplishments, where i want to go, why?, what is important to me. forrest didn't want me to talk about the m, r, mil, h, fil, etc. just me.
i was very lucky yesterday. i was driving along a road when the car in front of me started to slow down. i slowed down. the black car behind me slowed down. the cars behind the black car? ploughed into each other. i was lucky enough to not get rear ended.
being alone in the city, you have no one to rely on but yourself. if anything happened to me, is there anybody to call? no. i have to handle it myself.
that's just me rambling above.
i feel a bit calmer than yesterday. i have an ic appointment today. then i have to go to the bank to sign off on my mortgage application. in order for me to talk to the home sales people and mortgage guy, i have to focus. i can't be 'crazy' and talk like i'm a mad woman. so talking to others about 'business' helps me focus and center myself. i tell myself that there are other parts of life that don't involve d, lawyers, or r. when i had my heart to heart with my mom, i told her that i was sorry for being so crazy. i know i'm out of control. i feel like it's a phase i need to get through. i think crazy and i do crazy things. i'm acting out because i need to get something out of my system. i'm acting out to hurt those who have hurt me.
that's why i talk about sleeping with random strangers. i think it would hurt my h. in reality, it probably wouldn't. in all likelihood, i'd just be hurting myself. there is enough self-control that i won't go that route. it's talk. and it stops at talking.
don't be frustrated with me. this is my outlet and i need to get it out of my system every once in a while. i'm acting out with words. i don't go on drinking binges, i don't eat junk or stuff my face with everything in the house. deep down, i know i need to take care of myself. if not for me, for my mother. i saw her pain and all mothers want to do is take that pain away. she is happy i no longer look gray and 'dead'.
the house thing. well, i already bought it. i do think it's a good thing though - all craziness aside. it's equity and i do need a place to live. i don't want to pay rent. the rent i'm paying could easily be a mortgage payment. yes, my friends and family want me home. but again, will that make me happy? i don't know. maybe in a year or two, i will move home.
sigh. that took a lot out of me. but it's good. i hate having to drag you guys on my rollercoaster ride. it's not fair to you. you guys have already been on it before.
i'm going to prepare you for the next bomb. when my mom was here, i told her that i'm not ready to give up wanting children. she didn't oppose. she said you don't need a man for that. there are women who get pregnant with the help of a sperm donor. my traditional mother supporting my non-traditional decision? one thing at a time. house first. then we'll talk children. i'm not running out to get pregnant right away. just going over my options. mentors - please don't freak out. it's just me acting out with words. not actions.
