oh, give me a break. that's about as big a stretch as I've ever come across on these boards. my xH was a total narcissist, emotionally cruel at times, very immature and totally non-supportive through a challenging 15-year marriage; yes, I lost desire for him. I'm not buying that he can justify his abandonment, his adultery, his complete selfishness because of that. I understand your frustration, but don't try to draw these parallels for situations you probably know nothing about.
I understand what you're saying, and I didn't explain myself well. Of course you have the choice. There is no legal obligation, and I would NEVER want there to be one. But when you refuse sex, and you may have very good reasons for yourself and it may even be advisable and the best for you personally, it's difficult to take the moral high ground and say, "My refusing sex was justifiable, and your decision to commit adultery is not justifiable." It's not about who's "right" and who's "wrong" -- that tit-for-tat can be an endless vicious circle in a troubled marriage.
In the case of your xH, I would totally agree that he was not meeting your needs. He was neglecting his obligation to hear you out and understand your needs. But perhaps likewise, from his view -- as wrongheaded as it might seem to many people -- you might not have been meeting his needs.
What strikes me about hearing from couples who've split up is the different stories you hear from each party. Is it any surprise that most people say their ex was the "jerk" or the "bitch"? So, obviously, the problem is one of viewpoint, priorities and differing personal values -- not "right" or "wrong".
I think most people would agree with what I'm trying to say, namely, that both husbands and wives have a special obligation to take care of their spouses sexual needs, simply because they are (should be) totally dependent on each other for that need. That doesn't mean being sexually available 24/7, regardless of mood or circumstances.
Here's a typical argument which illustrates my point:
HD husband: "Would you stop feeding your child just because you weren't in the mood, or if the child had been mean to you?" LD wife: "No" HD husband: "Then why would you stop having sex with me just because you felt I wasn't doing everything right?" LD wife: "Come on, you're not going to die if you don't have sex! It's not the same thing."
And, of course, the LD wife is technically correct. The problem is, she doesn't fully understand the struggle it might be for an HD husband to go without sex for a long time. It really is a little bit more than a selfish itch to be scratched, and some women don't understand that. I have a friend in an SSM whose wife told him "You should just learn to control yourself." That's really what I'm talking about.
