Your ANSWER is to validate HER. You are trying to validate everything she does and says EXCEPT THE ONE AND MOST IMPORTANT THING... That is that she WANTS OUT..
Every time she says she is done and wants out, you always tell her that isn't what you want. That is NOT validating her and what she wants.
If she wants out and you say you love her then you should love her enough to allow her to leave and allow her to divorce you.
There is only ONE way to validate her that works in these situations....
It goes like this... "WS, I have been doing some thinking and here is what I have decided. I NOW realize that you really don't want this marriage or me anymore. I realize that what I have done in the past has destroyed any chance of you ever loving me again. I now realize that I have been trying to keep you and get you to love me back with making some changes that should have been made a long time ago. I now realize that no matter how much I try and no matter how much I wanted this to work that your mind is made up and your feelings are not going to change. I now AGREE that it is too late and that we can not make this work. I will no longer make an effort to try to save this marriage. We need to decide how we are going to separate our things such as the house, the money, etc... I think it would be best if you moved out. Your dad should have your place ready shortly and I think it would be best if you moved there while we take care of the divorce process. Don't worry about me and my parents and the house. I will handle it. I am sorry that I haven't been paying attention to how badly you wanted out, but after this weekend it really hit me that it isn't going to work and that you are RIGHT."
And THEN you start going out and doing things like you started to yesterday.. Acting mysterious BEFORE telling and showing her you FINALLY get it is a waste of time. It will be more productive for you AFTER you give her the I am letting go for good speech. It is YOUR letting go that could turn her around. IT isn't going to turn around ever, if you don't let go. NEVER. It will NEVER turn around UNTIL you let go and agree with her. If you agree with her stance ten and only then do you have a chance.
Go and read the thread started my MYLU. Observe how long she acted bitchy to her husbend UNTIL HE AGREED that it wasnt' going to work. And NOW look what is happening. A total 180. All because he decided to agree with her that it was NOT going to work. Analyze that thread. Now she is willing to do anything to make it work. Now she is awake. Not before he let go,but AFTER he let go and gave her what she kept telling hims she wanted.
Quote:
When I asked him in the afternoon if we were still on, he said yes, but not very enthusiastically, and that hurt. I lost it, and refused to go for dinner, to have sex with him, etc. I picked up a book & when a couple hrs later he tried cajoling me to go for dinner, I still refused. I can be very stubborn. For the 1st time, instead of trying to pull me out of my mood, he went downstairs & we didn’t speak for the rest of the night, didn’t eat either. He went to sleep on the couch (also a 1st). June 6, in the AM, we didn’t speak, till finally he asked me why I wasn’t speaking to him. I’m a drama queen (& an idiot apparently) and told him it was b/c he’d effectively ended our M. He ended up leaving for 5 hrs. [b]While he was gone, I packed up some clothes and wrote him a goodbye letter, put my wedding rings in it and phoned him to say bye. He told me not to leave & came back. He read the letter, but it was clear from it that I didn’t want to leave. He came to talk to me & said he’d been doing a lot of thinking & had come to the conclusion it wasn’t going to work betw us.
All of a sudden it hit home, I’d been pushing him away, questioning him & testing him & now I’d finally gotten what I didn’t want, but probably deserved. I became hysterical, asked him “do you not love me anymore?”.
