Question

[Lucky11too]

Honestly, you go girl. Way to say it. It’s not good to dwell on anger, but sometimes it’s anger that gives us the push to do the tough things we need to do. Just continue to identify the ways H manipulates you and try to control that on your own end. It’s hard though too (at least for me as an outsider) to identify what is him manipulating you and what is him trying, which would require exact opposite responses from you.

I feel the exact same emotions you just described and was having the same argument with myself this weekend – in particular, this is not the life I wanted, so why did I who feel I am a good, loving, moral, and just person, end up with someone so opposite? It’s frustrating and disheartening. My other argument, is how long do I give up my own happiness for the sake of S, for who I would actually give my own life for? Not that our sole happiness relies on our H’s, but it’s hard not to get dragged down by them. Needless to say, I completely understand what you are going thru.

I’m glad you mentioned that about your dad as well. This is something I was struggling with. H is a “bad dad” but he does love him and would never do anything to hurt him. I wish in some ways I could just keep him away, but you’re right too, that it’s not really best for either of them.

You really have so much strength. So are a woman now and he better start realizing that and respecting that. I hope you were able to give S and H their alone time this morning, b/c H needs a chance to start learning what being a “dad” means again. If you can, just try to be pleasant but firm (obviously you feel angry and hurt, but hostility never helps anything) and if you decide to follow the route of no H except on a set S schedule, then stick with it. Good luck today!

[ClingingToHope]

It sounds like the classic thing where the harder you try to pull him in the more he runs away and then when you try to push him away the more he wants to be close.

Are you any closer to actually getting this stuff legalized?

[awest1217]

yesterday was a normal day. H came over late (almost 2 hours late). He said he would come to make us breakfast and didn't, but instead came and never even apologized for being late. My mom was already over to take down a branch that had fallen last week in the storms. H asked to help. I said no he can hang out with S. My mom and I couldn't get the branch down so H asked to help again. I said ok and he was able to get it down and helped to clean up the mess it made. I said thank you.

During the tree thing I broke the weight on the rope (one of S's cups), another had also broke last week just from age, so H said he would get S some new cups. We went to the store and got the cups. Then lunch.

H wanted to watch the two toy stories with S so they watched those while I rested. After S and H played. It was close to dinner so I asked H if he wanted to stay, more because I was being polite. He said he would like to so we did dinner. Then S fell asleep and H said he didn't want to leave with S asleep so he waited a little and when S woke up said good bye, gave us both a kiss and left.

The whole day was fine. We had pleasant conversation. Talked a little about how I feel manipulated and am tired of everyone including him taking advantage of me because I don't have to foster a good relationship between all of them, but I do for S. That only lasted about 10 minutes then he changed the subject. He did say things like how a coworker wanted to move and he said move next to me (meaning he still lives with us), and said some other things like he lives here or plans on living here one day, but he does that all the time. I really think in his mind one day he will say I want to come home and I will just say "ok".

I did send him a text saying thank you for spending time with S and helping with the branch, but that is it. I am still very much not wanting to talk to him or be around him. I am suspicious of everything he does because I don't know what his motives are or where we fit because he won't talk about anything. I doubt he will text me at all today or tomorrow. Then Saturday he is going to take S to a airplane show. It is supposed to be with his parents, but now he wants to drive himself. I said whatever, but more and more I am getting suspicious that he just wants to do that so he can drive with OW and I won't have it so I am going to probably text him later that I don't want them driving separately, even though H said he was because he doesn't want to argue with his parents if S gets fussy, I just don't want to deal with it. Yeah OW could still go with his parents because she goes over there anyway, but they are so jealous of S's time that i don't think they would want to share him with another person.

Still just not wanting to be with H. I am definitely where H probably was the beginning of last summer. I don't want to be with him, and may file later this month. I just really want to talk to him about it in person first so I will try to schedule something with him next week and go from there....we will see.

[awest1217]

I told H to leave me alone again. Yesterday he texts me, after I asked him some questions about Saturday with no reply, how he blew up his parents power washer because he is cleaning everyone else's house but his own, which he tells everyone he lives at anyway. I asked why he was telling me, and he said because I wanted to know about what was going on in his life. I said no I want to know how he is feeling and where S and I fit in his life. I then asked about saturday and we went back and forth about plans. I hit him with how he was 2 hours late Wednesday and he said he knows...his alarm didn't go off...of course he can get up for anyone else, but for his S...no.

I ended by saying I want to be left alone. I let him know that I need time away from him to clear my head. He just said "sorry to bother you". He is only to contact me about S, but he won't even do that which makes me not like him even more. I have never taken this stance ever in our R, but I am now. I was putting some stuff away in a memory book I have and I read an email I had printed off and put in there. It was an email where H said OW1 was blocked on his AIM, and I could check and gave me his password. He said he had nothing to hide and she meant nothing. Funny because for the next 6 years...she was always popping up then Feb 2009 I find out that he loved her and always loved her. In the e-mail it said how we were supposed to go to a show together because they were "just friends". It is exactly what he has been trying to do with OW now. He will never be through with her even if he says he is, and everytime I think about texting him, I remember that I will never be the "only one" ever because it has never happened.

I never stood up to H ever in our R, or I would try and he would say something and I would just cave. It happened about everything in our relationship, even then I am sure I gave in and went to the show with her. With OW now, I knew something was wrong, but I allowed her around because I thought he would see how I was trying and choose me, but he never ever has.

I am really down right now. I have cried almost all week, and I have no one to talk to about it because everyone just wants me to get over it and divorce H already. I am figuring I am going to just have to do that, which I think is why I am crying so much. i really think reading that old e-mail and spending time with him Wednesday just killed the last bit of hope I had. He didn't do anything wrong on wednesday. I just realized that it is exactly what my life has always been. He is living in a fantasy world where he lives with us, but really he is a bachelor and a few times I told him that I didn't mind Wed or Sat because it is his once a month outing and we won't hear from him for a month so I can handle one day. I am just hurting so badly. I am going to try to go all next week not talking to H, then the week after (his car insurance should be in) I think I am going to sit down face-to-face and tell him that we are over. It is going to be the hardest thing I will ever do, but he is never going to change, and I am tired of living in his fantasy world.

It kills me because now I am saying I will be alone for forever, but it will be ok. I know many will say I won't be, but I don't want to deal with the step-parent thing. I don't want step-kids. I lived that life and I hated it. I hated never feeling good enough for my step-dad and how my mom never truly accepted my step-sibs. Yes, I know I could change how that is, but I don't want to try. I don't want to ever go through this ever again. I was thinking last night, and I remembered how I told H how I was worried God would kill him at a young age because no guy ever stays in my life...he didn't die, but he is still out of my life...

Sorry it is so long and depressing, but this is my only place to vent and right now, I feel a lot like I did last year at this time, alone.

[awest1217]

Feeling better about my decision. I cleaned S's pool and super cleaned the car, inside only, we get free car washes so I will just do that tomorrow hopefully.

S is very tired and fussy...it will be nice to have a break tomorrow, but I feel bad for S because H does not do well when S is fussy, especially because he cries for me.

What really put me out of my funk besides getting some things done I put off because of the funk, is I got the cell bill. As always there are thousands of messages and almost a thousand minutes in network (probably OW), and I know only about 200 texts are me and no minutes from last month so just more proof he will never change and i am better without him.

[Lucky11too]

You have a lot of strength, more then I feel I have right now. Unfortunately, we're both hitting this same awful spot together, but at least we have each other, so we are not totally alone. Even though we've never met, I appreciate all your support. As much as we want and have DB-ed our hearts off, our H's are who they are, and we can only change so much. I thought my H had changed, but you're right, they don't. It might be a different time and a different OW, but it's still the same story. At some point, enough is enough. I admire how you were able to stand up to H and hope I can gather enough strength to do the same tonight. So scary, huh? It all hits at once - ending your M, facing the fact of truly being alone, and S. It's like a brick on your heart. Like you said, there's not much advice that can be given at this point, but I can just be here to offer support. I hope you get a chance to enjoy your "you" time tomorrow!

[awest1217]

Well...today is the first day H is with S (not completely alone because his parents are going so still not one time H has been alone with S since he left). I am glad H is trying, but at the same time i hate not being with them. I love S and I keep getting this bad feeling that the only reason H wants to drive separate from his parents (he says it is because S may need to leave early and his parents want to stay until 10) and the only reason he chose Saturday instead of Friday (Friday they had kid stuff going on instead of an air show) is that OW is going to either drive with them or meet them there.

I know S will tell me everything that happened when he gets home so I will find out pretty quickly, but my big thing is H has said numerous times it is just him and his parents...if OW happens to "run" into them...well that will seal the deal on our fate.

Part of me is glad H is trying to be a dad because S is so happy about it, but part of me hates it because H is such a bad role model that I don't want S to follow. H talks a good talk to me when it comes to S. He says he tells his parents how important going to church is to both of us and how I am the authority because he chose to do what he has done, but still.

Alright off to get some things ready. Take a shower then wait...

I think I would feel better if their first outing was somewhere closer, but like I have said before I am sure this will be his monthly fix and I will probably not hear from him until I make contact as is what happens every month. This month he is doing this stuff because S wanted to talk to H so i called him for S. Never has he initiated anything so we will see.

[Irish_love]

awest - I have been following you for a little while. (that doesn't sound creepy does it?) Our situations sound somewhat familiar, but then you know in our situation you can relate to many here, right?

I don't have wisdom for you as right now I feel kind of speechless even in my sitch. But I wanted to say enjoy your day. Do something for you even if it's just relaxing watching a good movie or reading a book. I know it's hard not to think about what is going on but do your best to distract yourself.

Take care!

[Lucky11too]

How is it going today? As much as I would love the time to myself, I know how hard it is to have S away from you.

I hope H really is stepping up as a dad, b/c no matter what happens between the 2 of you, his role as a dad will never change, so hopefully, he can learn to be a good one. It would be great if they did have a good day together b/c hopefully that would encourage him to have more interaction is S's life. It's so weird that even though our H's aren't around, our S's still want them. That's the weird bond of fatherhood I suppose (well, motherhood too, but we're around).

Well, hope you were able to have a good day and relax and get some things done!

[ClingingToHope]

I think the holiday knocks a lot of us down. I've struggled mightily the past seven days.

I know you don't want to hear it, but I doubt you are dooming yourself to being alone. I think you wrote once that you've never felt it was just you and H -- there was always some OW in the picture.

Just imagine if you someday do meet the right guy and it is just you and him -- that would be difficult to walk away from.

A friend of mine in Georgia got divorced about your age and she spent about three years trying to "find" someone. She said as soon as she stopped looking she found her second husband.

I try to remember that, but for me it's really hard. I'm still addicted to being in a relationship. I do so much with the girls -- and by extension STBXW even though we rarely talk or see each other -- that Monday through Friday almost feels like we're still married.

Weekends really get to me.