Re-Connecting

[Puppy Dog Tails]

How do you reccomend I do that.

By showing her what YOU think a successful reconciliation effort needs to look like, and what each of your roles would be within that.

By communicating your Boundaries of Personal Integrity -- your "dealbreakers" -- and what your consequences are if she chooses to cross them.

By conveying your HOPE to her that your marriage -- with work -- CAN be an entirely new marriage, better than before, and that you have a PLAN for that.

By telling her that you LOVE her, and you hope she'll choose to work on you with this, but that your own personal integrity, self-respect and self-worth are even more, however, and that you will be fine either way.

Puppy

[Fightingforher]

W got home from work last night and didn't even let me know she was home. We happened to cross paths in the kitchen. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said not about the house sitch. I said how about we talk about us.

She just looked at me while I spoke. I asked if she was ready to try and reconcile and she said "I don't know". I told her that the only way I can move forward with her is if she stops contact with OM. She said that won't be an issue it's all the other stuff she is worried about.

She never committed to anything and said she is tired and doesn't want to talk about this. I'm getting sick of reaching out to her. NOW WHAT??????

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She just looked at me while I spoke. I asked if she was ready to try and reconcile and she said "I don't know".

The rest of your conversation probably shouldn't have continued. You should have replied "OK, then I guess I have my answer. I have a lot of thinking to do," and turned and walked away and completely DROPPED THE ROPE from that point forward.

You can (and should, in my opinion), STILL do that, but that would have been a much more effective point at which to convey your stance.

The "leading" points I posted to you just above are needed, but you can only effectively communicate them when she's at a "What will it take?"/"I'll do anything!" moment. She's not there, and I'd advise you to stop pursuing her now and pull WWWWAAAAYYYYY back.

Puppy

[Coach]

I agree with this:

The rest of your conversation probably shouldn't have continued. You should have replied "OK, then I guess I have my answer. I have a lot of thinking to do," and turned and walked away and completely DROPPED THE ROPE from that point forward.

But once you continued and your wife offered up this then should have really listened and asked

She said that won't be an issue it's all the other stuff she is worried about.

"What is all the other stuff you are worried about?"

Then listened (eye contact, affirming her feelings, validating her thoughts, no defending on your part) and make sure you know what the "other stuff" is. This is your 180 list, your goals, and what makes her feel loved, seen, heard and appreciated. You not addressing the other stuff is what causes her anger. Handle the other stuff and she feels emotionally connected. She's attracted to you. She feels safe with you as a mate. You are leading.

Can you handle the "other stuff"? Because she will test you on it.

[Fightingforher]

I've been working on the "other stuff" for the past few months. Helping around the house, helping more with my son. I need to work on my temper a bit, I get caught up in these arguments and say things I shouldn't. I've gotten much better with holding my tongue.

She always says that I make it about me. Every time we talk about the R I bring up OM and that it needs to stop. How can I make it about us when there is a 3rd party involved.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You can't, in my opinion, but you CAN get to work on your "parallel track." My approach is one of parallel tracks -- aggressively busting the affair, WHILE working on your own issues (esp. those which are your wife's legitimate, pre-affair marital complaints).

Puppy

[Fightingforher]

So until she decides she wants to talk about the R and OM do I just continue with GAL and detaching myself from her.

[Fightingforher]

The W is back to going out again. Who knows what time she'll be in tonight. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do going forward.

I'm really angry right now. I don't know why, I got used to the detachment from her and I started feeling good. It's almost as if she did all of this on purpose to put me back in my place.

I'm trying to stay positive for my son but it's hard.... Any suggestions on how I should play my cards now????

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm probably the wrong one to ask. I'm a real big "escalate the conflict" guy-- you know, "send a disproportionate response."

I am that angry FOR you.

Her "whatever it takes" struck me, as you know, as being disingenous, but I backed out of it because I didn't want to throw water on your parade, and what if I was wrong?? I've been in a pretty cynical mood myself this past week, so I didn't want to advise you too strongly.

Still don't. I'll wait for cooler heads to respond. Me, I'd probably be gone myself when she got back. At a MINIMUM, I'd have the house locked up tight, every single light off, and the security system armed.

[Greek]

I'll wait for cooler heads to respond.

I wouldn't call myself a "cooler head" but how about a ... female approach?

So I put myself in her shoes - and I'm going out. I've been toying with you and I'm not dumb....I know what I'm doing to you. So I'm going out and I would fully expect you to be home, blood boiling, wringing your hands, mad and hey, pal...serves you right for the lousy partner you've been all these years. Now it is my turn.

What I wouldn't expect - and what would GET MY ATTENTION - would be to come home to a babysitter b/c FFH went OUT, too!!!! Then my blood would boil, I would wring my hands and talk about mad?! I'd be waiting up for YOU!

And where will you go? Dinner. Even if you have to go alone. Then go to the LATE MOVIE. Then go for a drink. But goooooo out! Pay the sitter in advance so if W comes home before you, there's nothing for her to take care of. If you come home before her, don't worry - she'll know you went out. #1 is your little one will spill. #2 the instructions for the sitter will still be on the counter.

If I were her...and you did that...we'd be talking first thing in the morning if not sooner.
Greek