Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

Good morning world - yea for me - I slept 6 hours straight!!

Beautiful day greeted me through my hotel window - woke up to new reality. Been reading Gary Chapman's Desperate Marriages. I know, I know, - I need to be reading self development but there really are some great personal principles in this book:

Reality Living:
1. I am responsible for my own attitude.
2. My attitude affects my actions.
3. I cannot change others, but I can influence others.
4. My emotions do NOT control my actions.
5. Admitting my imperfections does NOT mean that I am a failure.
6. Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.

I think these are a good place for me to begin. My mind gets jumbled often times because I have given H so much power - he's the smart one, he's the good one, he's the disciplined one, he has high standards, etc. And as I have spun my wheels to "be worthy" - lost much of myself. Trying to make him happy and proud - when in actuality, in many ways, I've made myself happy and proud which has in turn, created an unhealthy environment for the M. I have been trying to "control" everyone else. "If this makes me happy it must make you happy too" - right???? WRONG!!!!

Two weeks before the ILYBINILWY - I received this card (completely unsolicited) -
My dearest W - I know that we have been through some pretty tough times but I want you to know that even thought I have done some terrible things to you that I do love you and want to be with you and only you for the rest of my life! I hope someday that you will be able to forgive me and that we will be able to move on to an even more fantastic life than either one of us has ever had. Until then I will love you and show you that I love you so that you will begin to realize the new found commitment that I have to you and hope you can find it in your heart to continue to love me in return. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world and intend to show you that love for the rest of our lives! I love you! - H

Why am I putting this out there? Because 2 months ago, this was who my H was becoming and I need to know if I am foolish to believe that the person who wrote this is still in there somewhere? 2 weeks later he was "done" and gave up IC, church, - became this new H - self centered, unfeeling, cruel.

I am afraid to trust myself and believe that the person who wrote this is still there and worth "standing" for - since all of his actions and words since have been in direct contradiction of this. I am not afraid to look foolish to anyone for "standing" / it's who I am and what I believe.

I guess I need to keep reminding myself that at the end of this - no matter the outcome - I need to be OK with how I responded or handled the situation.

Just thinking aloud:)

PS - do the tears ever stop?