So, my daughter called my H during dinner and chatted for a couple mins. Later that night I was making small talk with my daughter and she started talking about daddy. During our conversation, I asked her what daddy said when they talked. Was expecting more small talk and my daughter said "Daddy said [Ow's name] was sitting on his lap." Not sure where she would get this - it seems unreal that my H would actually say this to her, but how could a four and a half year old think this up on her own!!! She recanted, either because she made it up or because she sensed my emotional energy around it. This is the second time I've had a "story" related to OW from her - the first one was when I still only suspected PA and she shared that OW stayed overnight in our house and that she was "opening wine for daddy." Again, she later recanted the story (with daddy present that time). If these things are not true, HOW in the world would my four year old daughter come up with these things to say to me. If they are true, why would she recant (she has a hard time keeping a secret about a bday present). Either way, this situation has to end - it's affecting my daughter and if my H chooses to expose this to her, then I can't also have the added drama of her seeing how badly it hurts me. She's too young for thisto I think I've done a complete 180 from where I was earlier today. Don't think I'm going to expose at his work because I'm not sure I'm genuine when I tell his parents that I want to save the marriage. I'm embarassed that I don't have the self esteem to just let him go after what he's done to me. You know I try to tell myself that I'm holding on for my daughter. But you know what? That's not true - I'm holding on for myself because I am scared to face a life that looks so different than the one I had imagined. I'm scared of Christmas without my daughter - scared I'll be stuck in the place I moved with my H and without friends and family. And yeah, I'm sad that I had imagined a long life with my husband and a 2-parent household for my daughter and that's gone now. But holding on at this point is harming me and not doing any good. And my emotional trauma related to this is preventing me from being the best mom I can be.
I think if my H comes back because I exposed at his work, he's not going to be the man I want anyways. Exposing at work is really another attempt for me to control a situation that I think I just need to accept the situation as uncontrollable.
You know, if I really, truly let go . . . it could be a really good thing for me to just move on and start the healing process. Or, it could be effective in bringing him back of his own volition and not because I pursued. Either way is better for me, right? And I'm going to let him bear the guilt related to our daughter - I have done my best to be a wonderful mom for her and continue to do that. And at this point I think I might be able to do that best by letting my H go.
