Does DB'ing work if OW is playing the victim?!?!

[xin]

Hi NMM,

Thanks for you reply. I'm glad you are doing well. Do you think you will continue to DB? do you sometime think that you might be better off forgetting about you STBXH and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone more worthy of your love? I know if do. I'm DB'ing because of my view on marriage, but i starting to think it's too much of an uphill battle as the odds are clearly against me.

[Deep]

Xin, I suggest you take a couple of steps back, think about what it is that you want, and also what DB means to you, and what you may try to get out of it all.

It's quite pointless "changing tack" because DBing didn't seem to be working on your H and / or not making him feel any guilt. DBing is precisely working on yourself as Ruined so nicely pointed out. It's not about instilling guilt or anything else for that matter into your H - it's more about moving beyond what your H may or may not feel and taking control and responsibility for your own life back.

While I would not presume to speak for Newmama, DB is a lifelong process regardless of how your current sitch turns out. You shouldn't be Dbing just because of your view on marriage, but because you should love yourself. It's about saving YOU, and then giving you a better chance of salvaging a healthy M - not a tactic to save your M within a limited timeframe.

Basing your decision to "DB" or not on your H's response is itself an oxymoron in DB terms. I hope I'm making sense ...

[xin]

Deep,

Thanks for your advice. I know what you're saying. I've been reminding myself not to do things because I want H to change his mind about our M. But to do them because I want to. I'm still doing stuff for H, like cooking and cleaning. But I'm doing it because I still considered him my H and as long as i'm here and he's still my H, i'd continue to do it. But i'm also planning for my future with him and no longer crying and begging him to work on our M.

[newmama]

Please read the Divorce Remedy book!

Yes, when I signed on, I saw people say "DBing is for YOU." and I thought "um, excuse me, but DIVORCE. BUSTING.isn't that the point?" And I read the books and saw that we make changes in ourselves, but I was doing it initially as motivation for wanting stbxh do dump OW and come back.

It was when I started feeling empowered from making the changes that I realized DBing was helping me beacuse if the spouse is too far gone, then at least it will help me BUST some of the damage from DIVORCE...you know? Provide a shield, give me "muscles" (self confidence) and be able to recover sooner.

Ok so I also do not want to call it DBing once I have healed from my divorce, so I am not going to say I am DBing forever. BUt I will say that I will continue to GAL forever and use what I've learned in future relationships.

The divorce has been filed. I won't fully drop the rope until it is completed. but I am only GALing at this point and trying to identify appropriate boundaries for how to interact with my stbxh because we are co-parenting. I am not putting any more effort into saving the marriage. It's his turn! (if he wanted to)

[xin]

A mistake in my post, i meant to say i'm planning my future without my H. Although it's a little hard since i'm still unemployed.

Hi NMM,

Thanks for your reply. You're a inspiration for me. I hope i'll be as strong as you are when i'm served. Just found DB in the local library, will read it soon.

Should I stop doing things for my H? I've also recently moved back after 3 mths with my parents because i wanted to try and get a job here. Should i move out again? We are renting and I can't afford the rent on my own.

[xin]

Journaling:

Went to our first, and probably last, counselling session today.
It was quite disappointing. The counsellor said we are on different pages and we need to learn to come to terms with that. And when H said he doesn't think there's anything to salvage from our M, she didn't say anything else. I thought she missed many opportunities to say something constructive, like when H spoke about his "relationship" with OW who is married. Doesn't that say something is mentally wrong with my H?!

And another sign of my H's mental issue - when counsellor said we should try not to hurt each other further, H turned to me and said "we don't do that". I said "well, you having an affair hurts." Counsellor said nothing. I suppose it's not fair to expect her to take side.

Will be seeing counsellor next week on my own. Can't wait to hear what she would say.

[newmama]

Thanks for your reply. You're a inspiration for me. I hope i'll be as strong as you are when i'm served.

Here is a tip for being prepared IF you get served....prepare for it yourself first! I was too scared to look at the D process and plan a future without stbxh not because I didn't think I could live without him but because I didn't want to deal with that reality! Avoid the pain! But I felt so good to be able to immediately not respond with crying, and to have some things typed up and figured out to give him. "Ok if that is what you want to do, then here is what I would like to do about the house, finances, and parenting plan. " He was STUNNED! I felt so proud! But believe me, the first 4 divorce talks, I cried and argued and fought! I think if I had mentally and physically prepared earlier, I wouldn't have.

Should I stop doing things for my H? I've also recently moved back after 3 mths with my parents because i wanted to try and get a job here. Should i move out again? We are renting and I can't afford the rent on my own.

Well at the minimum, I think you should stop doing things for your H. Go to the infidelity forum and look for SeeingRed's thread. She has an inhouse separation as well. Currently she is in a different place than you are, but she did end up not doing her H's laundry, cooking, etc.

Do you have a job yet? And look legally into ramifications of you moving out...it could affect your divorce settlement (IF it came to that! I never predict how others' marriages will end up!)

I would get a job first, stop doing things for H, and be gone a lot, doing my own thing if I were you. 180s...surprise him and surprise yourself!

About your counselor, again, based on what I have read in hundreds of stories, is that 90% of counselors aren't equipped to deal with infidelity! I am not exaggerating. So your counselor did little and said nothing because she didn't know what to do! That's another reason why MC is mostly useless when they are in an active affair!

OK I hope others chime in to help you out, too!

Good job getting the book. Step 1!

[xin]

Hi NMM,

Thank you so much for your advice. I got the DB, read it briefly yesterday, didn't find it very useful in my sitch, but will try reading it again today.

The one thing I've learnt in my current sitch is how valuable girlfriends are. All my friends who know about sitch are praying for me and offering to spend time with me. They make me feel so blessed.

After spending the whole day with a good friend yesterday - lunch, coffee and lots of talking, i wasn't upset at all when i got a txt from H to say he'd be home late. I made myself dinner and started watching a sitcom on TV. When H eventually came home, i made sure i didn't pay too much attention to him, insead stayed glued to the TV. H came to sit down on the couch with me, i continued to watch TV - didn't ask him where he went. Ten mins later, I got up to get ready for bed. H said something about it's so early, but i just ignored him. Read the bible, said my prayers and went to sleep.

This morning, I continued to say little to H. H gave me a hug before leaving for work, first time for a while, and said "see you tonight"

I'm not sure why H is acting nice, probably to ease his guilt of having an A. But I'm going to continue to go with the momentum of detachment. I'm going to make sure I won't be home tonight when H came home and be scarse in the weekend too.

[MrBond]

DB is perfect for your sitch. It takes time and patience.

[xin]

ok, just look at DB again and definitely think it doesn't apply to my sitch. IMO DB would have been great when my H first threatened divorce, about 2 years ago. Now H is focus on getting OW and said it's too late to work on our R and even counsellor said H has emotionally left.

I'd definitely recommend DB to friends who are having problem in their M.