"it was a one sided decision that i have to accept."
I don't know that that is true.
It is a one sided decision.. but you don't really have to accept it.
As creative as you are.. you just tend to focus that creativity in the wrong direction.
"i always felt i gave a lot and received little in return."
How many times was the shoe on the other foot?
"i wanted to be loved so badly by my h and felt i had to earn it."
See the question above... (this will likely be the theme of this post from me)
"i didn't feel love even during intimacy. i felt like i was there for one purpose only. as soon as he was satisfied, i was not needed anymore."
This is a communication issue. Sometimes you have to be creative with your communication. What you felt here.. is normal. It is expected. I have heard this statement from my wife.. a few times. This is hard to explain.. but him "drawing away" after sex.. is normal for someone with a P LL. You have to put it in the perspective of another LL to understand it though. When "someone" hits your LL and does something "fantastic" there usually is a "cooling off" period. The easiest way I can describe it is from a gifts perspective. "Someone" gives you a gift.. all wrapped up in nice paper. You open it up and see what is inside. (thinking literally) Oh.. what a heart felt gift this is. It moves you spiritually. You hug.. you say thank you.. you relish the moment. Wonderful. Bliss. Now.. you start calling your friends.. or showing it around the room to everyone. <--- cooling off period.
"there was a fire in the office building where i worked. when we were all outside, everyone frantically called their loved ones to tell them they were okay. i had no one to call."
The silly part about this is.. had you still been happily married.. you would have never noticed it. Funny how perspective works?
If you were creative enough you could have called me.
"because of this d, my hard earned money that i saved and saved my entire life is in the hands of a lawyer. i can't just walk away and move on with my life. my life savings is in the hands of a lawyer."
If you fight it.. the same applies to him.
"i lost my house. i lost my m. now my life savings is being used to pay for a lawyer for a d i never asked for. all for what? was there a big blow up between both sides? no. it was a one sided decision that i have to accept."
How many times.. was the shoe on the other foot?
Dumped.. you are your own worst enemy. You are looking for the answer everywhere but the "right" place. This is something you have done for a while. The habit is still there.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
