i want to ease the anger. with time, i know it will happen.
this site has helped me center myself. i feel like i am getting to a point where i can detach. i am making head way and have new goals in life. i want to achieve my dreams. i can't sit in this toilet bowl and be going around in circles.
there is work to do - the work is to achieve what i want in life.
yes, i can handle it. you can't stop me.
You "sound" good in this post. Let your thoughts devise a plan and let your passion carry you when you are tired.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You "sound" good in this post. Let your thoughts devise a plan and let your passion carry you when you are tired.
coach, you are very good at "reading" into my posts.
i have been away from the boards to think about what i want. there has been some uninspiring posts and i wanted to get away from it.
half of the time, i fear for my life because my life is in my own hands. i am in control of me. many times, i feel out of control and i often have the same thoughts as 'par4me'.
the anger is still raging inside. you want to run away from it but it goes where i go. i carry it with me on a daily basis like a heavy backpack. you wonder what it would take to get rid of that feeling and sometimes you think taking your own life is the only way to stop the anger. it would stop it all. it's an attractive option.
i would never have to explain why he is no longer with me. i would never have to hear anybody tell me how they feel bad for me. it would be like closing the storybook before finding out what happens in the end. i don't want to know how it ends. it doesn't matter. it doesn't to me.
there was a fire in the office building where i worked. when we were all outside, everyone frantically called their loved ones to tell them they were okay. i had no one to call. i watched in amazement how people called their loved ones and their significant others actually cared and wanted to know that they were okay. you know, even if i was still with my h. i wouldn't have made that call to tell him that i was okay. why? because he only wanted me to call him if i was in the hospital. otherwise, he didn't need to hear that i was okay. my best friend victor said "dumped, that's not love". what i learned from my m was that i'm not worth anything.
the work that has to be done - is to get myself over this mountain of anger, and find my self-worth again.
what i learned from my m was that i'm not worth anything.
Explain the thought process that got you to that conclusion.
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the work that has to be done - is to get myself over this mountain of anger, and find my self-worth again.
Peel back the layers till you get to the core of the anger. Understand why you feel the way you do. Then challenge the why.
Watch your self talk.
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there was a fire in the office building where i worked. when we were all outside, everyone frantically called their loved ones to tell them they were okay. i had no one to call.
No, I think you called us to say you are OK. We are glad you escaped.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Quote: what i learned from my m was that i'm not worth anything.
Explain the thought process that got you to that conclusion.
i always felt i gave a lot and received little in return. i wanted to be loved so badly by my h and felt i had to earn it. i didn't feel love even during intimacy. i felt like i was there for one purpose only. as soon as he was satisfied, i was not needed anymore. from the remarks he would make on how he cared about how his parents felt if he ever died. he wouldn't think of me or how i would feel. i was always told to be independent. don't nag call me. i once called him and he answered with "is this a nag call?" i don't call him half as much as most spouses do. i don't even call on a daily basis. when i do call, i listen to him talk endlessly about how his day went. he wouldn't even ask how my day went. over time, i never called for fear of being labelled "needy" or "clingy". i was also told that the only time he would be there for me is if i ended up in a hospital. otherwise, he didn't need to hear from me. i watched him be so loving to his parents and he was not loving that way towards me. i tried showing every LL to get a reaction from him. in the end, i felt like i was begging to be loved by him. i'm here in a city where it's just him and me. and the only person who's family to me .. doesn't care. that's how you know, you don't matter. when the only person who is family to you, doesn't even want to know if you're okay.
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Peel back the layers till you get to the core of the anger. Understand why you feel the way you do. Then challenge the why.
i feel the way i do because i'm not the things he has accused me of. i'm very hurt by the accusations. i have been convicted of a crime i did not commit. i was never accused of being a gold digger until the d was pushed through. a d i never wanted. i'm just protecting myself. now i have his parents pointing the finger at me. the money handling and manipulation going on between them. how he cannot see what's going on and all he can say to me is that his parents love him and they wouldn't hurt him. yeah, is that why they willingly give you money and then later on call it a loan that you owe them? just like they willingly paid for part of our wedding and now that their son has asked for a d and the money they put towards our wedding is now being called a 'loan' that has to be repaid? it's toxic. because of this d, my hard earned money that i saved and saved my entire life is in the hands of a lawyer. i can't just walk away and move on with my life. my life savings is in the hands of a lawyer. i lost my house. i lost my m. now my life savings is being used to pay for a lawyer for a d i never asked for. all for what? was there a big blow up between both sides? no. it was a one sided decision that i have to accept.
"it was a one sided decision that i have to accept."
I don't know that that is true.
It is a one sided decision.. but you don't really have to accept it.
As creative as you are.. you just tend to focus that creativity in the wrong direction.
"i always felt i gave a lot and received little in return."
How many times was the shoe on the other foot?
"i wanted to be loved so badly by my h and felt i had to earn it."
See the question above... (this will likely be the theme of this post from me)
"i didn't feel love even during intimacy. i felt like i was there for one purpose only. as soon as he was satisfied, i was not needed anymore."
This is a communication issue. Sometimes you have to be creative with your communication. What you felt here.. is normal. It is expected. I have heard this statement from my wife.. a few times. This is hard to explain.. but him "drawing away" after sex.. is normal for someone with a P LL. You have to put it in the perspective of another LL to understand it though. When "someone" hits your LL and does something "fantastic" there usually is a "cooling off" period. The easiest way I can describe it is from a gifts perspective. "Someone" gives you a gift.. all wrapped up in nice paper. You open it up and see what is inside. (thinking literally) Oh.. what a heart felt gift this is. It moves you spiritually. You hug.. you say thank you.. you relish the moment. Wonderful. Bliss. Now.. you start calling your friends.. or showing it around the room to everyone. <--- cooling off period.
"there was a fire in the office building where i worked. when we were all outside, everyone frantically called their loved ones to tell them they were okay. i had no one to call."
The silly part about this is.. had you still been happily married.. you would have never noticed it. Funny how perspective works?
If you were creative enough you could have called me.
"because of this d, my hard earned money that i saved and saved my entire life is in the hands of a lawyer. i can't just walk away and move on with my life. my life savings is in the hands of a lawyer."
If you fight it.. the same applies to him.
"i lost my house. i lost my m. now my life savings is being used to pay for a lawyer for a d i never asked for. all for what? was there a big blow up between both sides? no. it was a one sided decision that i have to accept."
How many times.. was the shoe on the other foot?
Dumped.. you are your own worst enemy. You are looking for the answer everywhere but the "right" place. This is something you have done for a while. The habit is still there.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
i can see myself going around in circles. it's like you telling me that it's not about christmas. yet, in my head .. all i can think of is "are you still mad about christmas?"
every time i regurgitate my sitch, i say the same things over and over again. i'm trying to find something different in what i'm saying each time i say it. but i never find it.
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If you were creative enough you could have called me.
my self-worth is on the floor so i didn't think you cared either. :P
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This is hard to explain.. but him "drawing away" after sex.. is normal for someone with a P LL.
i actually told him that when he pulls away like that it makes me feel like i'm a booty call. and when i feel that way, it makes me not want to be intimate with him.
i feel very .. used. not how i want to enjoy sex.
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Now.. you start calling your friends.. or showing it around the room to everyone. <--- cooling off period.
how is that cooling off? you're still on a high from the gift that you're calling friends and showing off your gift. how is that cooling off? to me, cooling off is putting the gift away. like if you got a gift of a new shirt. you say thank you, you hug, you go try on the shirt. the cooling off part would be putting the shirt away. not trying to be difficult, but that's how i see 'cooling off'. the effect of the gift is fading and hence you get the cooling off.
does chapman's book talk about the 'cooling off' part?
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Dumped.. you are your own worst enemy. You are looking for the answer everywhere but the "right" place. This is something you have done for a while. The habit is still there.
honestly, i'm trying to find clarity. and i am repeating myself over and over again. hoping that the next time i repeat it, maybe i'll find something in what i'm saying that is different. and then i don't find it and all i feel is hurt.
it doesn't matter how many times i say it. i still can't find the hidden message behind it. i can't see the 'hurt' that he's feeling.
i'm losing compassion. what can i do to stop this cycle? what am i not seeing? when i question your (forrest, coach) explanation, it's because this is what's going through my head. it's not because i'm trying to be difficult or resisting. i'm really trying to find a way to break my thought process. i'm so focused on one way, i can't see another.
"When you find yourself in a hole first thing to do is stop digging."
Stop feeding your snakes.
You are co-dependent on your H for your self-worth. You have a pessimistic style. You want someone else to be responsible for your happiness. It sucks to be you right now.
You really want to change the thought process? Change your thinking. Stop letting other people define who you are in your mind. Stop letting your feelings override facts. Acknowledge your faults, work on what needs to be worked and be OK with who you are. You can't give away what you don't have so if you don't love yourself you won't have love to give away.
When you write a program and it doesn't work what do you do? Sometimes the code you have in your mind is dysfunctional and needs to be re-written. You keep running the same program and expect different results = insanity.
You get called a "gold digger" and it spins you up. Run the program - Am I a gold digger? Yes or No. Answer no. Next question. The answer isn't "no but why would .........." Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
"Know thyself." Do the work here to really learn about who you are. What do you believe and why? What is your passion? What will help you self-actualize?
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this is what coach says is 'snakes on my brain'.
Yes. Your fears, doubts, limiting thoughts. Snakes keep you stuck. What triggers them and how do you quiet them?
Read Dr Suess "Oh the Places You Will Go!"
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You have a pessimistic style. You want someone else to be responsible for your happiness. It sucks to be you right now.
it does. i'm trying to remember what life was like before i met my h. life was okay. i didn't care whether i met anybody or not. mind you, life was a bit boring. i was never this active. i worked a lot and i lived at home so there was always somebody there. but i am a lot more active now. i'm filling up my time to prevent myself from being bored. i fear boredom because then you realize you are alone. unwanted, if you will. like nobody wants to be with you. then you feel worthless.
i bought stuff - like new clothes, tv, household stuff. and i thought i would be happy because my complaint was that i was allowed to buy anything without his approval. and often whatever i picked, he did not approve. so i figure, i'll buy stuff and nobody has to approve. and it still doesn't make me feel better. mind you i don't return anything. i use it and i'm glad i have those things but it doesn't make me happy to say "i chose it and nobody stopped me" it's not enough.
i know you told me not to buy a house. i went and bought one anyway. my brain says it's the right thing to do. i bought it for investment purposes and it's equity. i've always wanted one and now i got one. there is an underlying fear in me that is saying this happy feeling of being a homeowner is not going to last and you'll be stuck with a home. (ie. buying stuff to fill the void)
my heart says it would be nice to share it with someone. at this point, there is nobody to share it with. my joy of getting a house is not shared with anyone. i used to revel in sharing my happiness with others and now i don't have anyone to share my happiness with.
it's weird. as i type this, i'm quite calm.
i can't share it with my family because they don't like where i am. they would like to see me in my hometown. they would be thrilled for me if my new home was closer to where they live. unfortunately, it is not. so they are not happy for me. i was thrilled when i signed for it. now i have to shop for appliances and design my home. i already have ideas on what i want. that's the exciting part. sharing has always been part of my life while growing up.
it's funny. when i was younger and i went on a trip to the local McDonalds to see how they run their franchise, they would give everyone a small bag of fries. i would eat one or two and save the rest. growing up poor, mcd's was a luxury. and with so many siblings, it was not something we could afford. so i would save my fries until i got home and shared it with my siblings. it never felt right to eat the entire bag myself without sharing with others. to this day, i still do that. we are no longer poor. but every experience i get, in the back of my mind .. i think "i wish i could share this with my family so they can see how beautiful this view/city is".
hmm .. why am i telling you this? it did make me smile talking about it.
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Yes. Your fears, doubts, limiting thoughts. Snakes keep you stuck. What triggers them and how do you quiet them?
what triggered it? the usual. a friend of mine who i hadn't spoke to in a few years sent me an email asking me how i was doing. he had met with someone and my name came up in conversation (yes, i'm miss popular :)). so he fired an email my way. after a few email exchanges, the question came up .. how is your h doing? all i said was that i didn't know what he was up to and that i haven't spoken to him in a while.
at the sales office, the sales guy asked me why i sold my home. i took a long pause. and he said he was sorry he asked. i told him that i had separated. and he said well, congratulations.
i've also had to bring it up with the mortgage broker. and constantly talking about it, is what triggers it. i wish i didn't have to. but i know i do. i have to learn how to handle it better. i am though .. i no longer go on my lengthy rants. but talking about it, reignites the anger. plus, with my mom in town i haven't been to the squash club for a few days. i don't want to use it as a crutch but it used to help.
you quiet the snakes by asking me to talk about me, my family, my accomplishments, where i want to go, why?, what is important to me. forrest didn't want me to talk about the m, r, mil, h, fil, etc. just me.
i was very lucky yesterday. i was driving along a road when the car in front of me started to slow down. i slowed down. the black car behind me slowed down. the cars behind the black car? ploughed into each other. i was lucky enough to not get rear ended.
being alone in the city, you have no one to rely on but yourself. if anything happened to me, is there anybody to call? no. i have to handle it myself.
that's just me rambling above.
i feel a bit calmer than yesterday. i have an ic appointment today. then i have to go to the bank to sign off on my mortgage application. in order for me to talk to the home sales people and mortgage guy, i have to focus. i can't be 'crazy' and talk like i'm a mad woman. so talking to others about 'business' helps me focus and center myself. i tell myself that there are other parts of life that don't involve d, lawyers, or r. when i had my heart to heart with my mom, i told her that i was sorry for being so crazy. i know i'm out of control. i feel like it's a phase i need to get through. i think crazy and i do crazy things. i'm acting out because i need to get something out of my system. i'm acting out to hurt those who have hurt me.
that's why i talk about sleeping with random strangers. i think it would hurt my h. in reality, it probably wouldn't. in all likelihood, i'd just be hurting myself. there is enough self-control that i won't go that route. it's talk. and it stops at talking.
don't be frustrated with me. this is my outlet and i need to get it out of my system every once in a while. i'm acting out with words. i don't go on drinking binges, i don't eat junk or stuff my face with everything in the house. deep down, i know i need to take care of myself. if not for me, for my mother. i saw her pain and all mothers want to do is take that pain away. she is happy i no longer look gray and 'dead'.
the house thing. well, i already bought it. i do think it's a good thing though - all craziness aside. it's equity and i do need a place to live. i don't want to pay rent. the rent i'm paying could easily be a mortgage payment. yes, my friends and family want me home. but again, will that make me happy? i don't know. maybe in a year or two, i will move home.
sigh. that took a lot out of me. but it's good. i hate having to drag you guys on my rollercoaster ride. it's not fair to you. you guys have already been on it before.
i'm going to prepare you for the next bomb. when my mom was here, i told her that i'm not ready to give up wanting children. she didn't oppose. she said you don't need a man for that. there are women who get pregnant with the help of a sperm donor. my traditional mother supporting my non-traditional decision? one thing at a time. house first. then we'll talk children. i'm not running out to get pregnant right away. just going over my options. mentors - please don't freak out. it's just me acting out with words. not actions.
