Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Tonight was awful. Horrendous. I am kicking myself for getting out of the car when H and DS arrived. Had I stayed in the car like I normally do, none of this would have happened tonight. But no, I wanted H to see how much weight I've lost. Stupid stupid stupid.

H waited for me to buckle DS in, when I closed the door H said, "It's hard no matter how you start it. The due date is in November, I'm thinking we both would like the divorce to be final by then." I told him isn't that something we both should want. He said he thought I did want it, that I had told him "Whatever you want". I said I was validating what he wanted, didn't mean that I wanted it too. He said he was having a child with someone else, and I said I knew that. He asked if I would contribute towards the divorce and I told him no, I'm not going to pay for something I don't want. He said it would take him longer but he could do it on his own, I said he had no grounds to file on. He said he would file on the grounds of constructive abandonment and was I going to fight him. he said we could do it nicely and be civil or I could fight him and have it get nasty. I told him I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I asked him what about his obligation to me and he said his only obligation to me was the money he owed me, and I told him I wasn't talking about money I was talking about our marriage vows. I told him that I felt our marriage could be saved, that two months ago he was ready to work things out, and how could he just turn those feelings off. He said they are having an ultrasound Friday to find out the gender, I said I don't care. He said that's what changed, that's what made us go past the point of reconciling. I said it doesn't have to. So he said that I don't understand, having a child with someone and I gestured towards DS, said we have a child together and doesn't that count for something? I said I still believe our marriage can be saved, you can't just turn off loving someone. He was getting angry, told me that we both have to move on. I said No and shook my head, he told me that shaking my head no doesn't change things. I said two months ago he said he missed me, missed our friendship and was ready to work things out, how could he just turn that off. He just looked down, then said he was sorry for how much he hurt me and that he was still hurting me. He said he couldn't afford two child support payments and I responded that if we worked things out he would only have one. He said he just wanted to know if I was contributing towards the divorce and I said no, I won't so he got in his car and left.

I sobbed the whole drive home, poor DS. I am devastated, had started out today feeling hopeful. Even now I feel that it's not over yet. And I refuse to "take one for the team" and let H wrongly accuse me of withholding sex when he was the one withholding, so yes I am going to fight him on this. I want to scream out from the pain I'm feeling, it's hard to breathe it hurts so bad.

DS wanted to know why I was sad so I told him that Daddy doesn't want to live with us again and he doesn't want to be my husband anymore. DS asked if he would still be his daddy and I assured him he would, and then he asked if he would still see his Daddy and I told him it would be just like it is now, only Daddy wouldn't be my husband anymore. I told him that Daddy would explain it all to him, I was too drained to handle any more questions, expecting DS to talk to H the next time he sees him. So DS called H right away, and I gave him privacy for the call so I don't know what he asked or what H told him.