Sent... Its actually an ebook.. buy it from penny's site if yo like it, its like 12 bucks I think... just read it first and try it out.. if it HELPS you then buy it as a thank you to Penny...
Melody, I am getting caught up. What is going on with your sitch? Did you go home yet? Any communication between you and your H?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Thanks Allen - I received the information. Haven't been able to read but prob will within the next hour. Actually tried to contact Penny today with no return call yet - I think I missed time zones or something.
Newmama - thanks for checking in. Here is the update. And, I have to mention that I'm a little nervous to post - hoping for a little compassion. I feel like I'm in a blender of conflicting advice and inputs so I think my behavior and mental state is pretty erratic right now. I think up until this point I've been handling things pretty level-headedly (not completely, but no rushes off the deep end or anything). But, I think I was numb and so now that the numbness is wearing off everything is crashing down.
So, here is the update. I went home last Friday morning. Why? Well, because from the time I changed my mind about going home to the time I actually did, I was in a state of emotional chaos. My daughter was asking for her daddy and I felt badly like I was using her as a pawn. She is young (four and a half) and everything I've read suggests it is incrediby disruptive to have a small child spend large amounts of time away from a parent who they're used to having frequent contact with. Another reason is bc my H decided to take a week off of work starting 4th of July weekend - asked to have daughter and wanted me to be at my mom's house that week. Of course! Because if I were gone 8 hours away he could have daughter at our house and probably have OW sneak in at night. Having his cake and eating it too, really. That turned my stomach. Another thing is that I have not been away from daughter for very long ever - so the thought of having her that far away during this emotional crisis was disturbing for me. Some of this is logical and some of this is just gut turning illogical thoughts, I know. But they all combined to produce my decision to go home.
As Bluestar suggested, I decided to not let daddy pull the maneuver where he gets family life in the day and night life in the night while leaving me at home with my daughter. I love her but it's hard to GAL or look like you're doing that when your H knows that his leaving has placed you at home. So, I got home Friday around 8pm (long drive!) - H was already there when I got there. The house was EMPTY and cleaned (housecleaners came while I was gone). It was clear H had not been living there or had done an exceptional job covering it up.
Our neighbors were also there - my daughter's best friend and her mom - they ran down the street excited that we were home. My daughter was thrilled to be back. It also helped to have neighbors there. The mom ooohed and aahed over me being in shape and tan (yes, I'm down to high school weight and tanned from days on beach - also bought cute clothes while I was with mom). Once daughter was settled, I let my H know that I had plans and asked if he wanted to visit with daughter at house or if he wanted to take her - said I was going out and would be back late. [I can hear Allen cringe that I let him stay in house!] He looked kind of bummed, but then said okay. He wanted to stay at house. I let him know I'd sleep in spare bedroom (daughter sleeps in master so it makes sense for on-duty parent to stay there). I got all dolled up and noticed my H checking me out and he even made a comment to neighbor that "I never did that for him" which is somewhat true because we never went anywhere that merited those kinds of outfits and because we didn't have the $$ for nice clothes (my mom treated me to clothes while I visited).
So, I didn't actually go out out but visited with a friend at her house that night - I didn't disclose this because I wanted him to be uneasy. The next morning I slept in (which I've been asking to do once in awhile for years and never been able to do). The next day I went shopping with a friend - by the time I came home my H was chasing me around a bit. Trying to make contact but not look obvious about it. He'd initiate contact and then break it off quickly again. He even winked and reached out and touched me at some points - that hasn't happened in awhile. I was eating this up in reality but I alternated between giving him cold shoulder and giving him small snippits of attention.
At one point, I reread Blustar's advice about not wanting to make him thing I abandoned the marriage and decided that while I was pushing him away I had to give him something to hold onto. So Sat. evening I said, "I've got plans tonight, but we still haven't celebrated Father's Day. Would you like to go to dinner with daughter and me tomorrow night?" It was a quick yes for him.
Well, Saturday night came and I went out with my neighbor friend. I know this made my H uncomfortable because this woman is very attractive and goes out a lot. I got very cute again and let him see me before I left. While I was getting ready he was clearly making attempts to talk and connect with me. I gave into it a bit, but still went out. One of his male neighbor friends (who somewhat knows the sitch but has chosen to remain neutral due to our kids playing) saw me leaving and said something to the effect of my H should be worried. I think that was an ego blow to H.
Well, I went out and had an okay time. I'm really not interested in male attention - it's reaffirming to know I can get it, but I was a little disgusted while I was out. I came back home a little let down and missing my H (who was of course asleep so for he knows I had a raging time).
The next AM, my H informed me that he was taking our daughter out that evening and wouldn't make it to dinner. I was devastated, of course, because I was mentally clinging on to dinner. So, I let my disapointment boil over into initiating an R talk.
Info I got from talk: -H doesn't feel a connection with me - thinks we've grown apart. -Says I tried to take friend away at a time when he had no one to talk to. -Still claims it's not about OW (who is friend I tried to take away). -Wants to be friends and still spend time together, especially for daughter's sake. -Told me he won't fight for house or anything in it but will fight for daughter. -Says he hasn't filed yet for divorce because he gets a "gut wrenching" feeling.
Total let down after this. I closed convo out by telling him that I think he was after a permanent solution to a temporary problem (line from a db coach). Odd as it is, we then went to Toys R Us with daughter and he was chatting away with me like he hasn't in a long time.
That evening while he was gone with daughter (while we were supposed to be out to dinner) I had a breakdown in my car at the mall parking lot. I don't have many friends in the area - I've spent too much time working and caring for daugther to form tight friendships and felt that I didn't want to wear out my welcome. So I just felt all alone and desperate. I eventually cooled down while reading infidelity books at the bookstore, but I did end up calling his mom.
Went over to dinner at his mom's house that night - his dad was out of town working so it was just her. She let me know that she really let him have it and that he won't even tell them where he's staying. She said that she doesn't know when he's lying and telling the truth and that she's so disapointed in him. She thinks it's related to sleeping pills and drinking (really these things are ways my H copes with stress) but I think that this A is another stress coping mechanism. From talking with his mom, I know that she will not approve of the AFFAIR. And, I know my husband is deeply tied to his family (it's one of his core values, I know), so this has to be devastating. He must know that they will never accept her and so deep down he knows the affair cannot last. I know that he has no intention to cut contact with his parents indefinitely. Half of his motivation in life comes from wanting their approval, so it's comforting to know he won't get that with the A. He's got to be in a desperate situation right now, but doesn’t know how to fix it. He probably keeps hoping that he can find a way to make everything right without cutting it off with her. That’s how far deep he is into this. When I went home that night, I was feeling compassionate for the deep dilemma my husband was in, and so I let that seep over into soothing him a bit by chatting for an hour or so while our daughter watched TV. I think a DB coach would say this is excellent, but after checking out Penny Tupy’s site a bunch today, I think she would say that I’m teaching him that everything will be okay even if the affair’s going on. And you know, half the darned books in the bookstore only address how to deal with infidelity when the involved partner is sorry and wants to work on things. The shelves are woefully lacking on what to do when the involved partner is still involved! Today: -I’ve been really low – had a hard time even doing the basic things I needed to do. -Found a box for an expensive razor (200+ dollars) in his car (we have three cars and the one he was driving needs to be fixed so of course I combed it for information). Since he has not spent or withdrawn any money that accounts for this, it must be a gift from her. -I’m almost positive he’s with her tonight. Last night he told me he would be auditing a far away client for the next few days and my intuition tells me he was lying (he looked uncomfortable telling me this) – I think that his being away all weekend caused some stress in their relationship and some stress in him (because he had to face the situation with me), and so I bet his soothing his emotional pain with her tonight. -Considering bigger exposure. Considering contacting her to try to unsettle her about the solidity of their relationship, considering contacting her bf, considering contacting my H’s HR. I’m sitting on this for a day or so because I don’t want to act out of emotion and not logic, but I’m to the point where I’m not sure I give a rat’s ass about the consequences of my H losing his job. I mean, what could be worse than losing my family? Not sure I will keep his family’s support if I expose though – they might think I’ve gone crazy and they may personally be embarrassed because my H works with some of my FIL’s old colleagues.
Okay, so I read the eBook and was feeling encouraged to fully expose and then enter protection phase. Then, I decided to check out the boards from Penny Tupy's site and I found this information below (referencing her own divorce and relationship problems). If I'm an intelligent person, would I take advice from someone who, despite her expertise, has not been able to save her own marriage?
Dear SYMCers –
First let me offer an apology for my long absence and silence over the last year. Many things have changed in my life – some of which made it unwise and unsafe to maintain my public presence here.
Second – and this is long overdue – an enormous thank you to the SYMC Angels who, during a financially difficult period for most of us (and at the holidays to boot!), gave from their hearts to help a nameless family facing a tough situation. That family was mine. Thanks especially to Just_J who headed the covert operation in the midst of an increasingly busy time in her own life. There are not words to tell you how humbled and grateful I am to each of you.
My divorce was officially final the first week in December (2009) a year after we filed. Because there are still significant legal/financial issues unresolved (I had Aunt Clara (think: Bewitched) as an attorney and Steve had a psychopath (literally – no joke there) as his) there is little more I am willing to say about it publicly. Let’s leave it as the entire process was far longer, more expensive, and way more traumatic than it needed to be. Those of you who know the history of my marriage will have a pretty good idea of the bigger picture.
I’ve debated back and forth what to do with SYMC. There were legal issues that made it imprudent to so much as change the color of a forum without fear of (expensive and traumatic) backlash. Couldn’t close it (significant change of status of marital property) - and since I was accused of making huge sums of money and hiding it I was wary of any appearance of increased activity on my part.
I also didn’t know if this was work I was still able to do. It was very difficult to read of others’ situations with any amount of objectivity while in the middle of my own nightmare from the Great Below. As soon as I would start to feel the earth under my feetr again something else would come up and all my pstd symptoms would be having their way with me once again. I finally just put it all on a mental back burner and focused on taking care of kids and pets and home and me … errr … not necessarily in that order….
These boards are $50 a month to keep them up and running. I’m not sure that’s something I can continue to do but I’m looking at options. There are many forums out there with premium boards that are by subscription – that’s one possibility. There are some really good free forums (no charge to owner to operate) which is another possibility. Right now I’m thinking I want to play with the structure and the direction and then we’ll see about the where part later.
My daily life has changed as well and I don’t have the same time I once did to be present here close to 24/7. Not sure that’s a bad thing Over the next week I’ll be reading and reacquainting myself with everything. I recognize lots of old friends and many new ones yet to meet. I’ve lurked a bit but only enough to see how incredibly amazing our dedicated volunteers are in keeping the flame alive. Special thanks to Loui, GS, Sharon, Sleepy, Spidey, Sandy, and SB for your dedication to helping others through the trauma of marital crises and for your love and support during this difficult time in my life.
Okay, so I'm done with my meltdown and ready to get down to business. It was a low point last night and I probably should have just gone to bed instead of posting and reading infidelity websites until I literally fell over . . .
Here's where I'm at - Need some advice:
1. Just told H I am done with contact - he contact me this H and I said "no more." We will set up visitation and he can take my daughter elsewhere. I told him I needed and deserved my own space and it's not good for me to be in contact with him. Said "I need someone who will protect my well being and you're not doing that so contact is not healthy for me." I mean the no contact this time - I just can't do it. Contact this last weekend has left me really wounded this week. I am planning to stay in our home and enforce the “no contact” boundary from here.
2. Work Exposure. Penny Tupy recommends it. Pros in my case = Pressure on the work affair would bring it to quicker end. H gets cold feet with all big decisions and tends to approach them passively - I think that even if he wanted to reconcile, the enormity of finding a new job and "starting over" would make his cutting contact with her a big obstacle for us. Exposing might make it easier for him to do the right thing. In talking with a friend who works at an accounting firm, I realized that exposure is most likely to result in them not being assigned to the same jobs as opposed to either of them getting fired. If anyone gets fired, it's likely to be her since she was his superior. My husband just got promoted today so they are now technically on the same level. Cons = If we divorce, it might put me in a compromised financial position. We can't make our house payment long term without his income so if they fire him, it would create immediate financial instability. I don't know for sure I can hang in there forever so it may be wise to contingency plan for divorce. There is also a chance that I would lose the support of his family - they might look at it like I was stupid in risking financial stability for my daughter and/or they might see it as revenge. The also might be personally embarrassed since much of my H's family works in the same field in the same area. If I do it, I will need to immediately follow up with educating them as to why I did it. If I tell them in advance that I will do it, I'm sure they will try to talk me down. The lawyer advised me not to do it, but of course he is coming from the perspective of ensuring my financial stability through divorce. Thoughts please! 3. Contact with OW. Penny Tupy recommends - would it be helpful for me to put pressure on relationship by contacting her and using Penny Tupy's script?
I think you should expose at his workplace. The supervisor/subordinate relationship is pretty classic "harrassment" here, and I think it would be a good idea for all of the "pros" you listed.
The cons, while worthy of consideration, don't outweigh the pro's, in my opinion, and that's not even COUNTING "The Right Thing to Do."
Thanks, Pup! Gonna try to take daughter out shopping and GAL for a bit. Marinating on it for awhile. If I'm going to do it, would love to do it earlier than later in the week so H has to stew in work drama for a bit before weekend. As Penny suggests, this would "raise his rock bottom."
Been trying to decide if I should just email HR or if I should also cc some of the managing partners - I'm worried that if it just hits one person, that person might make the wrong decision with the info and just delete or overlook it. If more than one person receive it, it puts pressure on to actually deal with it.
