), I'm thinking I need to get our finances separated. I can't stand the thought of her continuing to pile up debt (she's still buying smokes and gas and the account has been dry for two weeks) not to mention the chance she's spending it on "others" (I need that CC statement, too)
Any thoughts? Am I "pushing" the divorce or giving her a taste of how financially rough it will be?
I'd like a little feedback on this issue. From reading some "No More Mr Nice Guy' I know my reluctance is to avoid conflict. However, my resentment over her potential abuse of the "family funds" can't be helping my mindset in this, either.
However, in proper DB'ing, I'm concerned whether this act would be seen as "pushing the divorce" (bad) or "protecting the family" (good).
I hate to dredge this stuff up but as I said earlier my research may be serving more to confuse me as "I'm not sure i'm finding anything that CLEARLY works'
I was reading some Harley on line and came across the excerpts directed at an LBH- "The solution is for you to see to it that her relationship with you is painless and clearly in her best interest. You must eliminate every situation where she has been uncomfortable (including your trying to get her to stop talking to her friends), and replace it with things you do that meet her emotional needs. Granted, since she is in the state of Withdrawal, at first she will not want you to meet her needs, so she may not give you much opportunity. But the reason she is in Withdrawal is that you are doing and saying things that cause her to raise her defenses. Stop trying to straighten her out and start making her life enjoyable! Then she will lower her defenses, emerge from the state of Withdrawal and allow you to meet her needs." "....observations that will help you see what it was that your wife is running away from. Find out what it is she is most afraid of if she would return. Perhaps she thinks you are responsible for her having lost her self-esteem, her identity, or being depressed all the time? If so, what does she think you could have done that would have prevented that from happening? Are you disrespectful toward her? Do you threaten her? Do you make demands? What do you do that makes her unhappy? Whatever it is, learn to overcome it. You need to understand what she is going through, and try to accommodate it instead of change it. Be her best friend, not her adversary. The child you have in common is an undeniable and life-long link to her heart that will bring you back together again if you demonstrate your care for her in the respect you show for her. In most cases I've seen like yours, wives are willing to talk to their husbands on the telephone because there is safely in distance. Call her regularly just to see how she is doing and ask her what you can do for her. When she is comfortable talking to you on the telephone, you may suggest seeing each other, but don't push. Let her take her time. Prove to her that you care more about her feelings than your own, and you will not do anything to hurt her again. "
To me, this feels what I would be doing when we are reconciling not in the current "stalemate".
Am I right?
And yes, I wish I could get cell phone intel (I want her TEXTS) and I'm trying. Closest I'll be able to do is track her vehicle and figure it out the hard way.
As I said, I'm feeling a little "drifty" tonight.
But I certainly don't intend to settle for BF as opposed to husband. I want some advice on stopping the cake eating, too.
Sorry if I appear to have taken 2 steps back but I don't see ANYTHING working.
If I had hard evidence that she was squandering marital assets on the affair, then I could cut off her access to my income, and provide ONLY for her basic needs. I did this with my wife.
Even if you DON'T have hard evidence, if her current mental and emotional state is such that you believe she's a "flight risk," so to speak, with your finances, then it would be wise to separate them.
Even if those two conditions DON'T exist, it's not a bad idea. It gives her a "feel for what it would be like if Callasdad weren't in the picture."
Can you get some more intel about how she's spending your money, so that you can make a stronger stand/statement?
As part of my GAL, I got a couple pair of work pants and new shoes. I also bought a new body lotion for men (highly recommended.
This morning I get a text-"Hey, quick question for you. Why is there 200 dollars (actually 175) out of the accountat Moore's and 27.93 at Sephora. That's a make-up store"
I wrote shoes, pants, lotion.
If she says another word about it, I'll tell her that brings my yearly clothes spending to almost 300. Want to compare spending? And what is 98 dollars at Playful Passion? We haven't slept together since August?
"Look at you throwing rocks from that glass house" Funny, eh?
This morning I get a text-"Hey, quick question for you. Why is there 200 dollars (actually 175) out of the accountat Moore's and 27.93 at Sephora. That's a make-up store"
I wrote shoes, pants, lotion.
Perfect response. Let her wonder!!!
(btw, Sephora is a GREAT place to women-watch!! Hahahah. I go there with my wife and/or daughters, and I'm usually the ONLY GUY IN THE ENTIRE STORE!!)
She actually called me about an hour later to ask why I didn't respond to her "OK". She wanted to make sure I wasn't thinking she was snooping or questioning my purchases. She knew our account had been hacked before and wanted to make sure our banking was still secure (uh, yeah, right)
And then I gave her my rundown on getting control of the bills and she said "I'm trying really hard to keep things under control and limit the spending" Then she asked if I ever got the $160 back for the MC session we overpaid on. I said yes. She asked if I talked to her and I said no as I had nothing to say to her since all she was good for was "to make your decision for you"
Dead silence.
So she askes if she is still watching D on Friday so I can go to the 50th Anniv dinner. I said "Yes, if you can. I have a backup if you have plans" She said no problem.
Then I told her I had a client walk in. "Gotta go"
And the world turns.
BTW, I feel awesome today. B/W the DB; the Harley intro; and Mr Nice Guy book, I feel like I'm REALLY getting hold of myself.
And yes I may buy smaller bottles of lotion so I need to go more often. Neat place for guy to be. I had two women ask my opinion of 'this smell or that'
HUGE opportunity and I need advice on how to capitalize.
To review, and keep you up to date, W was gone with D all weekend. I slept in the house myself Friday and saturday and W dropped D Sunday and went to the hospital re broken finger. She was done late and stayed at Amanda's. I met Amanda...Finally. Earlier, someone suggested inviting Amanda over. I did and now she is scrambling to learn my schedule for the weekend. D will be staying here with W Friday night. I will be home late. Then I take Calla in the morning and "technically" didn't plan to be home til Sunday afternoon.
I told her "I have C all day Sat and Sun. You take over at 6 Sun. You have her Friday night"
I told her no parties but perhaps she could have a friend over "some weekend"
I need video cams! And I don't have much time. If this went "gay", this will be the only way to prove it. And I'd love audio, too.
But how do I set cameras to record Saturday at 9 am and go till the following am?
Damn.
Cheap solution is drive by (and take an hour away from my parents 50th? Not my first choice; and she interferes with my life...AGAIN)Plus, I only told her when she takes over; and I can come back Sat afternoon as a surprise. But to catch anything "damning", I need cams. Likely on my King Bed.
