Just found out she already filed

[ImprovedRomeo]

CG, I'd be tempted to tell her lots of things too lol but deep down I know it's about DD and what's best for her.

Suzy, thanks and you're right that I need to figure out the boundaries but it's just so hard when it comes to kids.

Aliceeee...where ya been sweets? you can buy anything you want for those 10 points. And yes you know me well enough to say that I'd want whatever's best for DD despite how I feel about it at a personal level. I'm definitely not comfortable seeing certain people or even giving DD a false hope that STBX and I are (or will be) even remotely what we were. I know in the future things will be even worse when STBX has someoneone else. I don't know how people can stay amicable in those types of situations. This is all so damn hard but you just have to somehow carry on like robots.

As for the frequent daydreams...yeah sort of; I want to say a lot of things to her some not so good but I keep remembering your guys' words that no matter what I say it won't matter because the walls she's put up around her are impenetrable.

I don't even know who I can invite for DD's party, it's usually STBX that sent out the invitations to DD's friends through their moms etc. I suppose I could enlist her teacher's help in relaying the message to the kids parents. I don't think I can STBX who not to invite.

[bright_new_day]

Suzy, thanks and you're right that I need to figure out the boundaries but it's just so hard when it comes to kids.

I know it is difficult. My initial seperation agreement had us sharing kids birthdays and even had a clause that X would spend the night on Christmas eve so that we could share Christmas morning with the kids. Sadly, he was so caught up with his OW, that he never even considered that proposal. I was a bit blind still at that point and wanted to do what was best for the kids. I had to harden up and set boundaries and create my own family with my kids, and X is not a part of it. He was too busy with his new family (OW and her kids) anyway.

What I eventually came to realize is that he did not want me as a part of his family, so I needed to do my own thing. I know at times it is hard for the kids. I threw graduation parties for my daughters and they were a little upset that I did not invite their dad and his wife.....but the realities of my situation were that we were nowhere near friends, probably never will be, and the party was a celebration for my family and friends. No one who was coming would be comfortable with them there, because they were the people who propped me up when my world shattered. So here we are 3+ years later, and we are not partof each other's lives.....and that works for me.

[ClingingToHope]

I'm likely to be like BND.

I spent much of Christmas with STBXW and her family and it was great -- until I realized the invite was basically a way for her to get out of having to drive them to my apartment because she had plans with either her best friend or an OM. That really, really, really hurt and I'm not going to let her do that again.

In mediation she brought up Christmas and how she'd like some holidays to be family holidays.

I just looked at the mediator and said "I don't know. I don't know how I'll feel in six months. Part of me feels like she wants to be a family when it's convenient for her."

My goal now is to separate as much as possible. Christmas this year is my morning so she'll have to drop them off on Christmas Eve then my goal on Christmas night is to drop them off and go do something.

Maybe some day I'll feel different. But seeing her as little as possible has done a world of good for me.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks Suzy and CTH. I'd like to hear from others how they managed b.days especially when the spouse has turned so selfish and like an adversary during the divorce proceedings.

[Gardener]

SR,

Thanks Suzy and CTH. I'd like to hear from others how they managed b.days especially when the spouse has turned so selfish and like an adversary during the divorce proceedings.

Frankly, I ignored the last two, one post-Bomb, one post-D (last week).

[ImprovedRomeo]

G, you mean you ignored STBXW's b.day? or the kids'?

[Gardener]

Romeo,

SR,

Thanks Suzy and CTH. I'd like to hear from others how they managed b.days especially when the spouse has turned so selfish and like an adversary during the divorce proceedings.

Frankly, I ignored the last two, one post-Bomb, one post-D (last week).

Oh, the X's...the X's. Did I misunderstand thw question?
Would have never ignored the "kids'" b'days, even the stepkids who've "disappeared."

[newmama]

Suzy, thanks and you're right that I need to figure out the boundaries but it's just so hard when it comes to kids.

Thank goodness it is hard for others and I am not "inept" for not knowing "the rules!" but I know that doesn't help you. Just am in the same boat, rowing along.

When S is older, I won't celebrate with stbxh on his b-day though.

I know in the future things will be even worse when STBX has someoneone else. I don't know how people can stay amicable in those types of situations. This is all so damn hard but you just have to somehow carry on like robots.

I do have some reference....although I was a teenager when my parents divorced, my sisters were about 3 and 4. So I got to watch how it works. A b-day party at mom's and a b-day party at dad's. I think it would have given my sisters false hope if my mom and dad still hung out together.

I hope to stay the same as far as putting S' needs first but the kids will need to be forced to accept that divorce means there is no mom+dad+kids...it is mom and kids or dad and kids. I do not mean to sound harsh, I am saying it will help them get used to it.

Of course for graduation and other events, we will have to suck it up and show up, but sit far away from each other if we have significant others. Maybe if we didn't, we could sit closer. Because at that stage in life, the kids would know we were divorced and not getting back together. (like middle school and high school graduation)

[ImprovedRomeo]

G, I'm struggling with how to deal with DD's b.day now (in a month) and in the future.

NM, you're not inept, this is all new to us and personally I don't have any other guidance than what I get from the good friends here. So we have to figure all this out as we move forward.

DD still talks about us and really wants us to be together, sometimes she cries, sometimes she asks, sometimes she tells me various things and what she wants to do or go place with 'you and mommy'...it's heart breaking really.

I'm just really conflicted about this. If we do this together and act like nothing's changed what message am I sending to DD? If I don't do this together then of course it's a big change for DD and I won't be present for stuff and I know she'll end up setting up a better b.day party for her than me. And of course, we can't invite the same people over twice. If I just do something simple just me and DD with a cake, balloons etc then she'll think I throw boring parties than mom...I don't know.

At the same time STBXW needs to realize there's no 'family' left. This is her make believe, cake eating tactic to ease her own guilty conscience.

Curious how some of the others that're further along have done this and what's their feedback.

[kat727]

I do my thing with the kids and my parents. I usually let them pick a movie and where they want to eat. I do that for all 4 of them. I am BIG on birthdays.

My ex does his thing which really, I have no idea what that is. Lots of times he will just celebrate on his day of the week over at his parents. He doesn't seem to do really well with just him and the kids. So that doesn't happen much. If the birthday falls on a weekend, I celebrate one day and he does the other.

It doesn't mean I love the situation but it works. My kids are happy and that is all that matters in the end.

kat