Friends, Thank you again. Met with IC today. Told her about H's comment about possibly moving home if he couldn't find somewhere to stay. Established boundaries - 1. If chat lines are continued, they put S and I at risk for criminal behavior and is unacceptable 2. Returning means that H is agreeing to work on things. By that I mean that I would be working on my issues - he working through his. It cannot be a revolving door for our S. He would need to see some signs of affection and care. Did not mandate therapy - he is responsible for his own. 3. Financially - remain separate as is now - however transparent with joint accounts. 4. Check in with each other daily to see how things are going.
Told him that if he wanted therapy, I had money set aside in an HSA to pay for it.
Told him that over the past few weeks, I have discovered the areas that have been revealed to me as controlling and I apologized to him for it.
He basically said "thanks but no thanks" he will find another place to live = I expected that. He then asked if we could spend time together as a family this weekend. I said that I thought we should do it separately - that we aren't a "family" right now. He asked if I knew the damage I was doing to the kids this way. I said that I just don't want to put on a show with them. We are both worried about S - he is starting to clam up. Another place that I don't know what the right thing to do is - but I want to be able to be authentic with the kids.
H said that though this has had painful impact on finances and kids and friends, etc. - that he is finally taking control of his life.
I told him I needed to head back out of town and thx for coming. He said I'm sorry for everything and left.
OK - so I feel like I have hit rock bottom / am I there yet? My H has NO feelings left for me. I have no feelings left except sadness and numbness and constant exhaustion.
Jack - yes it stings - no it hurts like hell! My dream is dead and I am responsible for a significant part of that. I can't change it.
Right now, I know I have to let myself feel this pain = to grieve, to forgive myself and to heal.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I am responsible for a significant part of that. I can't change it
We all make mistakes, but not every marriage ends just because one or both partners make mistakes.
You are right that you can't change somebody else, though. And you cannot control the choices they make, and if your H chooses to live his life without his family and give up on his M, THAT is not YOUR choice, so stop taking responsibility for HIS choice.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
It doesn't sound like things went horribly with your H.
He did exactly what you expected and frankly, exactly what a person in MLC usually does when presented with an offer like that.
It isn't that he has NO feelings left for you, he just doesn't know what or where they are right now.
He sees the pain and destruction this is causing, but feels justified in it to a degree, and the part he feels guilty about, well he is finding a way to put that responsibility on you.
Regardless of what he says, let him own the results of these current actions Irish. Don't accept responsibility for them.
Yes, there are things you are seeing in yourself, issues that need to probably really be worked through but you are NOT responsible for ALL of the problems and issues. No matter what your H or anyone else tells you. You didn't hold a gun to his head and make him get on those chat lines.
I really hope you know I am not trying to pick on you. I'm not Irish. I just want to see you healthy and happy. And to be honest, I think you have the strength to really face this stuff.
Your S, keep talking to him. About anything you are comfortable with. Take him to do things, water park, movie (I took my son to see New Moon when it came out, but it was the early in the day showing so no one would see him at a "girly" movie with his mom).
As far as being honest about what your H is doing, with your kids, Irish, that is a hard thing for an adult to hear. About another adult. I don't know how it would make a child feel about their parent. What does the C say about that one?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Cat - I don't feel picked on AT ALL! I feel humbled and grateful for someone taking the time to help! I thank you for taking away my feelings of doom at the interaction with H. I feel that I am ready to really avoid actual contact with him until the end of the month when we are traveling with S's team to nationals. I will limit my interactions to texts or emails. I need a break! PS - I do the same thing with my S - but I think he actually enjoys it:) Thank you for everything!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Irish, You are the most limber person I've ever talked to. Quit kicking yourself in the a@@. Nobody's perfect, but you keep trying to shoulder all the blame for what HE did. You seem like a perfectly good person to me, one that is responsible for her actions. I also get the sense that you've made yourself responsible for his actions for a very long time, even before the bombs dropped.
I've gone through the usual "What did I do wrong"? scenario a 1000 times. The end result is, while our marriage may not have been perfect, I'm not the one that betrayed our marriage, not once, but twice.
Just keep repeating to yourself "I am only responsible for my own actions". Oh, and, lol, what YOU did that is damaging to the kids. Jesus, please us!
Punkin - Thanks for the post! I needed to hear that!
Has anyone seen the Sex and the City movie (the first one) - when Carrie is heartbroken and her friends take her to the tropical location that was supposed to be her honeymoon - and she slept, and they fed her, and she slept, until she could handle waking up?
How do I get that respite?:) Tylenol PM:)
Thanks to all for helping me through a really tough day!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
