Having a hard time not being "mom the fixer" today...texted Dan just to check on Nathan after last night's asthma attack.
He replied 20 minutes ago that he was tired and listless, was actually sleeping (at noon). Dan described him as "out of it".
I suggested going and getting him checked out as this is day 6 of being sick. Dan replied "He is ok just needs rest and fluids the heat and humidity is not good on his asthma"...ugh!
I need to just trust that he will take him to a doctor if he gets any worse, but I hate not being there! Especially since I am going out of town tomorrow...
Can you trust that he will take him to a doctor though? Because in my case, a few months back, I really wanted to take S in. He hadn't started to get better after 4-5 days. stbxh said "he is ok- he just needs to rest and have lots of fluids" JUST LIKE DAN said! But my mother's intuition was shouting at me so I said (surprising myself) "Well, I'm going to take him in. If you want to come along, you can." We went in, he had an ear infection, RSV, fever, and needed a nebulizer plus antibiotics! stbxh said "I should never doubt mother's intuition."
But the difference was that he was returning S to me and so it was my day with him. Still, I think that due to the fact that Nathan is sick, it is ok if you butt in! if you really are worried, it is worth insisting!
Not that Nathan will get worse, right? Would he be okay if you took him in on Monday?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I don't know, he started antibiotics yesterday so hopefully he will start getting better by tomorrow. The problem is I leave Sunday and don't get back until Tuesday night...
OK I am off to Borders. Never done it before but I am going to take my laptop and go work on my final project for class. I figure I will focus better there than at home without a tv, laundry, chores to distract me!
I'm with Newmama on this one. When a child is ill is no time to be worrying about who is "supposed to" be the caretaker. I'm sure if Nathan were asked, he would say he wanted his momma to take care of him. If you need to take care of a sick child, cancel the trip. Don't let work take precedence over your sick child. It sounds like Nathan is seriously ill. He should be watched carefully, and taken to the hospital if he continues to have trouble breathing.
BBJ, I know you're out of town but I came across this book that looked promising and I ordered it for myself. Not sure if you'd consider suggesting it to Dan or ordering it and leaving it in his mailbox anonymously lol
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Thanks for the tip but I won't be suggesting it. Any helpful hints from my end would come across as controlling and telling him he doesn't know how to be a dad...
Heading to bed at 1 a.m. here in my hotel. Got some work done on projects but not enough! Need more hours in the day. Shouldn't have gone and gotten that massage. On second thought, yes I should have.
Letting Dan's apology rattle in my brain even though I shouldn't. A week and a half ago, when he texted 'sorry'. And I asked him the next day what he was sorry for, he texted back, "The sorry was for everything."
I didn't say "That's ok", because it isn't. Cheating, lying, leaving your wife, splitting your family so your kids have two homes, none of that is ok. I just feel like sorry isn't sorry without some action. So many times Nathan or Sydney would do something naughty and when Dan scolded them they would say, "Sorry..."
And Dan would say, "Sorry doesn't cut it." And he would expect them to fix the situation if possible (if they took something, give it back. If they knowcked something over, put it back right, etc.) Well guess what? Sorry doesn't cut it for grown-ups either without actions...
I’ve seen you post this so many times, over and over. Beating your head against the same brick wall.
Love is different, a magical, nonsensical, inexplicable, illogical, mysterious thing. Its not ‘fixable’. It cant be controlled, or taught to behave, as in the examples you give with teaching the kids to ‘do the right thing’. Why do we love one person and not another? Why is it that ‘love is blind’ and some people stay with partners we raise eyebrows at? Or that some people meet on a crowded train and in an instant feel like they’ve known that person their whole life and fall deeply in love?
Of course he is sorry. I think its good he is able to admit that. How would you feel if he had never said sorry??? He hates that he hurt you, and the kids. He has tremendous guilt, of course, as I would have if I were him and any sane, rational person would. I don’t see that as so bad. I can see why it angers and frustrates you, because ‘sorry’ isn’t the outcome you were hoping for, you were hoping for reconciliation.
But what’s he supposed to do to ‘fix’ it? Come back to you even though he still deeply cares for you, he is no longer is in love with you, or no longer chooses to be in a committed relationship with you?
You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make yourself love someone. You cannot spend the rest of your life with someone you aren’t in love with, unless you are prepared to put your basic needs as a human being aside, to do the right thing. That’s called martyrdom I believe. Or, arranged marriage (and yes, in many cases, those marriages are very successful and they do grow to love one another). But I assume you and Dan hadn’t entered into an arranged marriage.
It’s difficult, as your faith makes you have incredibly strong values, or rules about this stuff. Marriage is for life. If you try to leave the marriage, there’s no excuse for that etc. But Bobbi, it’s one thing to find practical, morally right solutions when reprimanding the kids for lieing/stealing/knocking something over.. but its not the same at all when you hurt someone in love. You cant ‘fix’ falling out of love, or put it right or make amends.. how ?
What action do you want him to take then instead of saying sorry … come back to the R? I cant see what else he could do other than that that could ‘fix’ it for you.
It must be so hard to accept that Dan is no longer in love with you, or that he has grown apart from you and for whatever reason, didn’t want to stay married, but it seems on the evidence, that is what happened.
I agree with the others, Dan does still have extrodinary access to you, but that’s because you haven’t as yet been able to move on. I am sure the dynamics will shift when you are able to and things wont always stay the way they are now. And you do have very young children and I can understand you would want them to feel that mum and dad are still close, to make it easier on them and on yourself hey.
I hope I haven’t spoken out of turn here. Love Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
For what it is worth, I am not sure my XW ever said sorry. At the end of the day, I am not really sure I care, because it is too easy to simply say it. Much harder to show it. I guess that is what you expect....for him to somehow show how sorry he is that he cheated on you and left you and his family, the life you guys had, the dreams etc. That is what gets me sometimes....how bad could it have been for "them" to decide it was not worth going on.....not worth the effort to even give it a real shot, with a loving spouse willing to forgive their transgressions.
I agree with Ali on much of what she writes. The day you move on or drop the rope (as we used to say) is the day that his actions will not affect you as much. I realize you guys are in a small town and have kids. I understand that it is very difficult. Believe me...I sometimes get caught up in what the XW texts or emails me. The difference is that everything is now complimentary......but does it make a difference? The end result is the same. WE need to control the effects that they have on us.
Love is different, a magical, nonsensical, inexplicable, illogical, mysterious thing. Its not ‘fixable’. It cant be controlled, or taught to behave, as in the examples you give with teaching the kids to ‘do the right thing’. Why do we love one person and not another? Why is it that ‘love is blind’ and some people stay with partners we raise eyebrows at? Or that some people meet on a crowded train and in an instant feel like they’ve known that person their whole life and fall deeply in love?
I guess throughout the process prior to getting D and now going thru a D...I struggle with the concept of what 'real love' is. I don't want to go off on a tangent...but Ali's post made me think......
You hear the phrases 'Romantic Love' and 'True Love' all the time...and comparisons of the two are always made. Romantic love..like meeting someone on a train and just knowing. True love...like loving your partner when they lose a limb, or get a life threatening illness, or lose their hair, or gain some weight, or.....in other words- no matter what!!
I struggle with the notion of love being a choice. But I also struggle with love not being a choice. For example...your children. When they are acting up and on your last nerve...you still love them. When they take the car without permission and get into an accident...you still love them. When they tell you how much they hate you and ruined their lives...you still love them. The love never waivers.
Can you find that kind of love in a M?
I understand that feelings change and people change...isn't M not only about love...but also about commitment. There were plenty of times that people in a M don't feel necessarily 'in love'....if you hang in there and work on it...does it come back?
