Friends, Thank you again. Met with IC today. Told her about H's comment about possibly moving home if he couldn't find somewhere to stay. Established boundaries - 1. If chat lines are continued, they put S and I at risk for criminal behavior and is unacceptable 2. Returning means that H is agreeing to work on things. By that I mean that I would be working on my issues - he working through his. It cannot be a revolving door for our S. He would need to see some signs of affection and care. Did not mandate therapy - he is responsible for his own. 3. Financially - remain separate as is now - however transparent with joint accounts. 4. Check in with each other daily to see how things are going.
Told him that if he wanted therapy, I had money set aside in an HSA to pay for it.
Told him that over the past few weeks, I have discovered the areas that have been revealed to me as controlling and I apologized to him for it.
He basically said "thanks but no thanks" he will find another place to live = I expected that. He then asked if we could spend time together as a family this weekend. I said that I thought we should do it separately - that we aren't a "family" right now. He asked if I knew the damage I was doing to the kids this way. I said that I just don't want to put on a show with them. We are both worried about S - he is starting to clam up. Another place that I don't know what the right thing to do is - but I want to be able to be authentic with the kids.
H said that though this has had painful impact on finances and kids and friends, etc. - that he is finally taking control of his life.
I told him I needed to head back out of town and thx for coming. He said I'm sorry for everything and left.
OK - so I feel like I have hit rock bottom / am I there yet? My H has NO feelings left for me. I have no feelings left except sadness and numbness and constant exhaustion.
Jack - yes it stings - no it hurts like hell! My dream is dead and I am responsible for a significant part of that. I can't change it.
Right now, I know I have to let myself feel this pain = to grieve, to forgive myself and to heal.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
