^^^All true, Pigskin.^^^ No need to apologize for planting seeds of suspicion, she has done a fine job of that herself. And I didn't do a good job of following my instincts to find out what was really going on. A mistake I won't make again.
Last night, W apologized for telling me not to use the credit card. She said we are just low on money and she's trying to get a full time job but no one will hire her until she gets her certification up to date. That will cost around $600.00. She said it will be so much for school supplies, so much for Dr. appts., dental exams, on and on. I asked her how she was going to afford her half of all of this and pay rent on a place of her own. She said she is not thinking of D right now, just paying bills.
I let it drop and waited until she went to sleep. I got out the banking statements and looked them over for the first time in a long time.(she handles the banking-always has) Just a quick rundown-from May of '08 to May of '09 there were only 5 withdrawals from the savings totaling about $500.00, and regular deposits. The time suggests real estate taxes, Christmas and other things that aren't suspicious. From June of '09 to May of 2010, there are 21 withdrawal averaging about $350.00 and maybe two deposits. WTF? How could I be so ignorant? She has dwindled our savings down to about $600.00. And now she's worried?
Just yesterday, I was scared to take the leap to tell her I would not wait any longer and if she wouldn't file that I would be forced to. Funny how I'm not scared anymore.
I have been thinking all night and will tell her tonight that I will see a L, I will seek 50/50 custody and the family home. If this is her epiphany, I will give her one last chance. No contact with super, transparency, no coaching of anything, and quit the school board when her term is up this year. All the stuff I should have said long ago. Odd how everyone was right all along with what my "plan" should be. Even after all this time, I new better, my sitch was different.
I really do not know of any advice or suggestions to give you today. I just wanted to remind you to follow your instincts and use good judgement based on what you have gained here on this forum.
You have really moved in your sitch to a good place for yourself.
Stay positive and stick to your plan.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
Told W last night that I wasn't interested in waiting for her to get a better job and helping her get on her feet just so she could leave at a better time for her. I said I had been doing a lot of thinking and agreed that we need to split up and since she refused to leave, I am seeking legal advice and will be initiating things myself. I also said that I understood that she didn't know if she wanted to work on things or not. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand."
I told her I would let her know what the L says and we need to decide a time to tell the kids and that I wouldn't be telling them 'mommy and daddy just don't get along anymore or love each other'. I would tell them that she is leaving dad, she doesn't want to stay and she is the one who has decided there is something more important to her than her family.
I then said I had plans for a few hours and would be home later. She asked where I was going and I just said out with friends. I kissed the kids good-night and left. She had to work early this morning so I have not seen her since.
God, I can't wait for what happens next. Anything is better than waiting and not knowing. She threatens things and then backs off. Then I let things slide for a while and it goes right back to the way it was. She really does know how to play me.
I still worry about the kids. The decision to break apart the family is hers and hers alone. All I can do is make it as easy on them as possible. It will not be easy by any means.
Hopefully I handled it right. Or at least close. I'm really tired of f*@#*#g up all the time.
"she doesn't want to stay and she is the one who has decided there is something more important to her than her family."
DO NOT say this part. The family may be very important to her. Just not you. For the future welfare of your kids, do not make it sound like she doesn't love them. I'm sure she does. She just doesn't love you.
It's hard to not take it personal, but your kids deserve to still love their mother without feeling guilty about it. And they shouldn't feel they are being abandoned by her because they're dad is insecure.
Control yourself and be the better person even if you don't want to. Your kids need that example of you as a responsible father.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
The children will remember the moment that you break the news for the rest of their lives, most likely. It's pretty important to get right and IMO this has to be about your kids, not about "making the W feel the consequences of her actions".
take care...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thanks for the recommendation, FM. It still breaks my heart to even have to think about telling them.
Thanks for following along. I don't get much traffic here anymore. I know I have been given the advice on what to do and was too scared to do it. Now that I have told her I will not live like this and, for the first time, following through with things, I am relieved and nervous at the same time. I don't walk around dealing with the overwhelming anxiety anymore. I am not afraid of pissing my W off. I'm not even concerned that she will not "wake up" and go ahead with the D.
My worries are completely about our four young, innocent, wonderful kids. Even under the best circumstances, I am going to miss out on 50% of their lives. I know others do the same every day and love their kids as much as I do. I will have to make the best of a bad situation. I have no other choice.
I have realized that I have mourned the loss of my W and my marriage. I still hold out some hope for a new and better relationship with my W, but have finally faced reality. I have let her go and am giving her what she says she wants. If she has her epiphany like I did when she told me she wasn't in love with me, great. I do have a little bit of hope left, I admit. I know I should have done it long ago and might have increased the odds in my favor. If she doesn't, I really have accepted that, too.
I know I will be okay. I know I deserve more than a few crumbs here and there. The kids also deserve better.
I could really use a pick me up for a different reason today, guys.
Not sure if this is a pick me up for you or not, but it sounds like your mental state has really improved lately.
Right now, I am about in the same place as you are. I have accepted that she doesn't want to work on the M and there is nothing else I can do but move forward. I am making plans for myself and for my kids to be with me.
Keep woring on GAL and being with your kids. Focus on them and find things to do that make you all happy. We will survive this one way or another. There is no other choice.
Listening to music that I like always seems to help get me through rough patches.......find something that will do the same for you.
Just wanted to stop by and say how sorry I am, that I feel your pain, and I feel for your kids. Please do the proper research on how to tell them, and what to tell them, before you say anything you regret.
I know you're very angry righ tnow, and justifiably so.
I'm glad you're standing up for yourself. Should be real interesting when your L asks wife's L to disclose how those funds were spend for those withdrawals. A good family court judge isn't going to look too kindly on her squandering marital assets!
Only one quibble with your approach: it is NOT your responsibility to -- nor would I advocate -- tell your wife what YOUR attorney says. It's not YOUR job to educate HER on the legalities of breaking up her family.
Like I always say, there's a reason they put that little "v" in between the name of the parties. Be design, it's an adversarial system.
You are doing a much better job at this than I have been. I've been here for too long to still be stuck where I am. My mental state has improved. What was the option, losing my mind totally? I would think, at times, that I finally got it. Then I would fall back so far and knew that I was just delaying the inevitable. Because I was scared. Plain and simple. I still am. I have finally decided to act in spite of my fear instead of letting it control me.
If I could get one thing through to all of the people who find themselves here, it would be to set your fear aside and do what the vets her tell you to immediately. Don't wait. This stuff works if we have the guts to do it.
