As you may know, I was almost a WAW myself. Had my hand on the doorknob. A woman doesn't actually have to leave in order to be the WAW. It is what is in her heart. When her heart is closed to her own H....then she is considered a walk away. She has emotionally left her M.
I have read enough of your posts to see that you are a nice guy. So, this is where it has to stop. Does that surprise you to read this? There is a book that has been suggested to many, many men to read. It's called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". There is a website that tells more. You need to read it. It isn't a shame to be a good person...or even to be nice, but it is a shame to kiss your W's a$$, and sadly...that is what most nice guys do.
Nice guys try to do whatever they can to make the W happy and basically just to keep her off his back. If he has to swallow his pride and choke back a few words in order to keep the peace....then he does. But guess what that makes him? He becomes increasingly passive as time goes by. In the meantime, his W begins to lose respect for him. She can talk down to him....and he takes it, instead of putting her in her place. She bosses him around and he says, "Yes dear" and quietly does what he's told. He will do the housework, babysit while she goes out, give up his friends, anything just to keep her off his case.
Well, guess what? It doesn't work. She continues to get worse! She screams and bullies and throws fits.....and wonders how far she can push him before he'll stand up to her. She wipes her feet on him b/c his behavior says he is a doormat.
Do you think she respects him? No way! He is nothing like the man she fell in love with. She begins to despise "this" person he's become. And sex? She has lost any sexual attraction for him. Why? B/c she has lost all respect for him as a man.
You see, a woman cannot feel sexual attraction for her H if she cannot respect him as a man.
Women are not sexually attracted nor do they respect a passive man. I am not sure how it works, but I think God just wired us that way. I do know that whenever a woman can degrade a man and get away with it....then she has nothing but disgust for him.
So what am I saying? I'm saying that all this stuff you've been doing is not working....that's what I'm saying. She doesn't want you b/c you are pursuing her all the time. She is disrespecting you by having an A. You "asked" her if she wanted you to move out. That was a bad decision, but it's done. Don't go crawling back. If you go back....you walk in as the head of that home and take your rightful place.
Okay, so if you are still with me.....I want you to stop making contacts unless it is regarding your son. (Is this her child?) No email, TM, calls, etc. Whenever you do this...it is pursuing. The more the LBH pursues the WAW...the more he pushes her away. You may not understand how that works....but you don't have to understand. Just believe it! So are you ready to stop the chasing?
Set up a child visitation schedule so that each of you will know who is suppose to do what with him. Do not allow her to use the child as her "tool" to get her way about things. If she is out on the town, don't be at her place babysitting. She needs to wait until it's your turn to keep him, see what I'm saying?
Another good book to read is "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. This is when you really have to man-up and use tough love. She will not come around with you being all "sweet & nice". I know you said she was a good person.....but she has committed adultery. It may not have been a PA yet....but she committed emotional adultery and for a woman....that's greater. With women, emotions are what it's all about.
You on the other hand, will have to keep your emotions under control, especially in front of her. No breaking down and crying. No more telling her that she's hurt your feelings. (I know what you said about trying to open up about things like that, but that needs to wait until the M is on solid ground again.) If you feel the need to cry, you get off by yourself....don't do it in front of her.
A WAW needs to see her H being a strong, confident man who is able to lead his family through the toughest of times. She needs someone who is capable of providing for her and her children. She wants a man who will protect her & her family. These are the things you need to allow to shine through your actions and speech.
You need to think about boundaries and what would be the "deal breaker" in your M. What would you tell her that you couldn't live with? Boundaries are not ultimatums. I'll give you the link to read the excellent post about that. She will need to respect your boundaries or suffer the consequences, so think about what that would be also.
Come to the board before you act on any major decisions b/c your mind is tired and you're hurting emotionally. When a person acts on emotions, it's often the wrong thing to do. You can get great advice here on the board. Your thread was a bit slow at getting started, but sometimes it just takes time. Don't give up and continue to post often.
Okay, so back off the pursuit. When you do see or speak to your W you keep a calm spirit. You do not act cold to her. Don't confuse what I am telling you. Detaching does not mean to treat her badly or to be cold hearted. It means that you are not chasing her. You are unavailable to her and her needs. You don't go running if her toilet overflows, or if she's had a bad day, or calls you in tears. You are a "busy" man. You don't have time right then to assist her. (BTW, always have a back-up plan to use.)
Never lie to her, but it's not her business to know every detail of your life. You don't have to tell her who you are going to see, what you have been doing, etc.
If you pull away from her...it will draw her closer to you. If you try to rope her in...she will resist and push away.
If she thought you did not want her, it would turn her interest around and she'd forget about OM. But as long as she knows you are drooling at the mouth for her, then she's not interested. Know what I mean?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
