sex therapy and couples retreat are great ideas, and i would try them in a heartbeat, but she would only see it as me trying to get more sex out of her.
therapy has been tried, but once she became the "target," she quickly refused to go anymore.
A board certified sex therapist, is skilled in both couples therapy and in dealing with sexual problems that people and couples have. A really good sex therapist will be able to help "bridge" a couple's sexual problems, IF both members of the couple want to have a healthy satisfying relationship.
You are in a SSM, that means by definition you and your wife need the help of the sex therapist. Actually there were two sex therapists that helped repair my SSM. One was a naturpathic doctor and sex therapist that specialized in women's health issues that I talked my wife into becoming her doctor. The other sex therapist provided us with couple's therapy that focused on the multiple-month lack of any sex and any physical contact.
You sound like you are waiting for your youngest to get into high school so you can leave. If you are, you will be emotionally withdrawing, if you haven't already from your marriage. Everyone in your family, including your wife and children will know that you are withdrawing.
Everyone has to find their own path. I don't know what will or will not work for you. I can share with you what seems to be working for me.
When I started the path of making my wife feel loved, I was convinced that I was going to divorce her. I knew it, but felt that I owed it to me, to my children, and to my wife to give things one last try.
The two sex therapists in a brutal fashion made my wife realize that if she made no changes to her life, she would soon be a 60 year old divorced woman, it was all up to her as to if that happened or not. In front of our couple's sex therapist, I gave my wife and the therapist my (GAL) goals for the next year which included an active sex life, loosing weight, trying to save my marriage, and running a half marathon. The therapists discussed with my wife what my time lines were and the progress I was making to achieve my GAL goals. They also pointed out that I was willing to help my wife change and accept her with love and no bitterness over the past. Several times they asked my wife and me if we thought we would be divorced within a year if we still did not have sex. I always answered yes. Many times my wife tried not to answer the question.
They pointed out to her that I was changing and that I was doing things every day to make her feel loved. They pointed out that I could easily find another woman who would give me the love that I deserved and needed. They kept asking her what she wanted and if she could let go of her anger and hate enough to accept and give love. My wife's doctor pointed out to her that the source of her anger, my emotional withdrawal was really the result of my wife's earlier emotional withdrawal from me and that she was the cause of her own anger. When my wife tried to avoid hard truths or difficult questions, they focused her on those issues and made her understand that the only person she was going to harm by not addressing things was herself.
Many was the time that I actually felt sorry for my wife during and after therapy. Toward the end, we would regularly go out afterwards to a place where she could cry and emotionally recover with my offering her comfort and support.
My wife fought for months to avoid the issues, but ultimately she found that she enjoyed the emotional love and friendship I gave to her each day and that I was making huge changes in my life, so that I could be happy. She also began to understand that touching and sex were very important to my happiness. She knew that she either needed to change to remain with me or that I would be gone.
I wasn't sure that my wife was going to change during initial sex therapy. As a result, I signed us up for the John Gottman Art and Science of Love Couples weekend. It was expensive, but probably worth about two or three months of sex therapy compressed into a single weekend. It really helped bring us closer and give us some good tools to help negotiate with. That plus having a "referee" in the form of a sex therapist, made progress even more possible.
Again, everyone has to choose and find their own path and make their own choices. I wish you and your family the best. I know that being in an SSM is really horrible. I hope that you are able to find happiness. Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
