I disagree, Polly. Seeking to understand something doesn't "undo" a person. One can accept that gravity exists and still wonder how it might be proved (maybe we just really have very sticky feet).
When I got out of the Air Force and went into the Fin Adv business it threw me for a loop when you could present a plan that was very prudent and addressed a clients needs and they wouldn't take action. Most people don't take action based on logic (military is void of emotion in planning) people take action based on feeling good about their decision.
The hard part about seeking understanding of a WAS is not to take things personally. You present a good argument logically about why not get this over with. But STBX- Mrs Smiley is still full of feelings, emotions and fears about her marriage and family. IMO you keep pricking those fears to keep some sort of contact in place. Let her deal with her snakes on her own. Let her go, become the WAS, drop the rope, detach and keep being a great Dad.
Next time she goes off on you just tell her, "it must really be hard being you, I am sorry if I am contributing to your misery in any way." Agree with her and walk away. If you truly seek understanding then let it unfold. It's not your place to rescue her from her decisions. Agree with her and watch the drama go away. Nothing to argue about when you are both on the same side. She brings up D talk just defer to your L.
Compassion, empathy, love (philia) and strong boundaries. Einstein couldn't use logic to figure out women.
Quote:
"Some men spend a lifetime in an attempt to comprehend the complexities of women. Others pre-occupy themselves with somewhat simpler tasks, such as understanding the theory of relativity!
A few facts always ruin a good academic argument. Debates over feelings have no facts that appear on the surface, the feelings are deep in the soul and triggered by past memories. Create new healthy memories based on the triggers and the dynamic has changed. Stop asking her to defend her negative thoughts and actions. Just agree that she must be hurting. Watch the dynamic change.
Cheers Mate
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
