I am about to write some things that are SO cliche on this board. I don't know why, but I feel that I have to write them anyway. I feel that my M, or R, with H has hit a plateau. I never know what he's thinking, if his mind has been changed about anything, how he feels. Before I found this board, it would have all been maddening!!
Now, the cliches:
I don't know H's every thought, feeling, or inclination because I don't ask. I stopped asking because it was one of the "rules". I have since come to LOVE this rule. Now, I don't ask because my thoughts, feelings and inclinations are my own. They don't depend upon H's. This is revolutionary to me.
A few months ago I walked around in a fog. I was afraid to say or do anything because I was terrified that I would spark the final decision of my H to leave. I have come to realize that I am married, right now. I am not guaranteed any additional days. I will live my life each day with what I have. I was making myself sick worrying about tomorrow. That was just ruining today.
This plateau, treading water, whatever I may call it, it's OK! A few months ago I felt our M was in a free fall. Why wouldn't I welcome sitting on a plateau for a while? Even if I feel we're not getting anywhere at the moment, it doesn't feel like things are getting much worse. I could be wrong, there's no way to know what's going on in H's head. I will keep believing only half of what I see (and none of what I hear-but, remember, I am not asking).
Since I expect nothing of my H right now, everything he does for me is genuinely appreciated. I was taking my M for granted. Now, H gets some honest appreciation for his efforts. I no longer just toss a "thank you" at him. His LL is words of affirmation, so he get's entire sentences when he does something kind for me. I think of how my mother taught me to write Thank You notes. There's a format, not just 2 words. Guess what, he's doing more around here and for me!!
GAL is the most important advice I received. You can look back at my thread. It was the first thing people were telling me to do. I understood it in my head, but in my aching heart I just wanted to hug my children and cry in a corner. I made myself get our there and start doing things for me. I faked it at first. I know I would be crying in a corner still, had I not taken this advice. I wouldn't want to be married to that version of me!
Thanks to FG, I have been working on a smile project. I did not understand this exercise at first, but sometimes you have to trust folks when they are trying to nudge you in the right direction. This has become one of my "fixes" when I am feeling down about myself. My other main fix is cuddling with my kids. If you don't understand how this can work, try it.
I spent my first few weeks of DBing trying to think of 180's. I tortured myself with this because it sounded so good. I planned and faked my way through a few, and it went ok. What I have come to learn is that the really good 180s just happen. They happen because I have worked on myself and I act and react to things differently. A certain look will come across H's face, that will alert me to notice that what just happened was a 180. It will make me stop and think, "yeah, that never would have happened like that before".
I have not saved my M, yet. We still have horribly difficult times here. I guess I just needed to acknowledge how different this is from when I first began.
