cozyp828, it's possible that your wife feels shame about her lack of being "womanly" towards you, but won't admit to it, and therefore doesn't want to discuss it. That possibility might give you some ideas about how to approach the problem.
It's helped my relationship, though not yet solved the sexual problem, by telling my wife that I don't think there is anything "wrong" with not wanting sex. Plenty of people are like that and they are fine. And, likewise, there is nothing wrong with desiring lots of sex. The only problem is when two people are so different in their desire for sex with each other.
"it's possible that your wife feels shame about her lack of being "womanly" towards you" - we always think its us, but it may be the way they feel about themself.
I've heard about a man whose sex life opened up after his wife got into physical fitness. IE: he wasn't getting it, and started to once she got into shape and on a gym kick.
So for those of you who have tried everything, this may be another stone to observe.
Plus being in good physical condition improves the flow of hormones and the such.
right now it's a waiting game. i am thinking that once my 12 yr old gets into hs then i will tell her i am leaving.
i do not want to discuss this topic anymore because it ends up in a major fight, and she easily manipulates the situation by saying that i live in a hollywood dream, that this is normal in every marriage, that i get it once a month and that's probably more than many other husbands out there--and it'a qualitative, and if i don't like it, then there's the door, and that i am never satified. stupidly, i usually turn around and wind-up agreeing with her probably because i see how angry i made her, and realize that i now have created the wall of silence, which always happens whenever she gets mad at me. the wall of silence can last for days--which drives me nuts!
that's true, because i do remember her libido slightly increasing, but the problem is that she is undisciplined when it comes to exercising--there's no time,she's too tired, she'd rather sleep late or it's too late in the day to exercise.
she works with all women, and they are 10-20 yrs older. the only men in her school building are custodians, and she says they are yound too, and are only after the young teachers. i tell her how attractive, beautiful, sexy and milf-like she is when she sometimes dresses for work, but the above comment is always told to me.
i sometimes wish she was having an affair so i could finally have my answer, and then do my best to move on, because then i can say, "ok. now i understand, and had a feeling, now lets try to move on," but she's not having an affair.
sex therapy and couples retreat are great ideas, and i would try them in a heartbeat, but she would only see it as me trying to get more sex out of her.
therapy has been tried, but once she became the "target," she quickly refused to go anymore.
therapy was all about me--about my "poor" parenting skills as not being a team player, that i always go against her better judgement, that i'm the nice guy and make her the bad guy--and the philosophy was that if i can become a teamplayer, then her libido would come back, because she would feel as if we were on the same team. i agreed adnd said that i would change and have been doing my best to be a teamplayer, and still she has no attraction towrds me.
once therapy switched to her issues she tried to deny her problems and decided that there was nothing wrong with her and didn't want to go anymore. for example: being unable to say that she loves me whenever i say it to her because she feels that if she says it all of the time it becomes trite and meaningless.
the whole irony of this is that she wants me near and close to her all of the time: going to the store, sitting on the couch watching tv, putting her hand in my backpocket or holding me around my back in public. she even calls me "honey" in front of people,and when we are in the house, but once i go over to her in a passionate, sexual, romantic way, she gets all defensive and annoyed and tells me to "stop, that's enough, can you go away,please?!"
now i've become trained in the way of holding myself back and not touch her or even say anything complimentary anymore, and that's the rub!
We know how it feels, at least some of it do. This rejective behavior will slowly turn you asexual. I guarantee you it does not boost and enhance your masculinity or flow of your male hormones and it is not going to cause a strong erection. It just seems like torture and i am not sure that I can stand for it.
sex therapy and couples retreat are great ideas, and i would try them in a heartbeat, but she would only see it as me trying to get more sex out of her.
therapy has been tried, but once she became the "target," she quickly refused to go anymore.
A board certified sex therapist, is skilled in both couples therapy and in dealing with sexual problems that people and couples have. A really good sex therapist will be able to help "bridge" a couple's sexual problems, IF both members of the couple want to have a healthy satisfying relationship.
You are in a SSM, that means by definition you and your wife need the help of the sex therapist. Actually there were two sex therapists that helped repair my SSM. One was a naturpathic doctor and sex therapist that specialized in women's health issues that I talked my wife into becoming her doctor. The other sex therapist provided us with couple's therapy that focused on the multiple-month lack of any sex and any physical contact.
You sound like you are waiting for your youngest to get into high school so you can leave. If you are, you will be emotionally withdrawing, if you haven't already from your marriage. Everyone in your family, including your wife and children will know that you are withdrawing.
Everyone has to find their own path. I don't know what will or will not work for you. I can share with you what seems to be working for me.
When I started the path of making my wife feel loved, I was convinced that I was going to divorce her. I knew it, but felt that I owed it to me, to my children, and to my wife to give things one last try.
The two sex therapists in a brutal fashion made my wife realize that if she made no changes to her life, she would soon be a 60 year old divorced woman, it was all up to her as to if that happened or not. In front of our couple's sex therapist, I gave my wife and the therapist my (GAL) goals for the next year which included an active sex life, loosing weight, trying to save my marriage, and running a half marathon. The therapists discussed with my wife what my time lines were and the progress I was making to achieve my GAL goals. They also pointed out that I was willing to help my wife change and accept her with love and no bitterness over the past. Several times they asked my wife and me if we thought we would be divorced within a year if we still did not have sex. I always answered yes. Many times my wife tried not to answer the question.
They pointed out to her that I was changing and that I was doing things every day to make her feel loved. They pointed out that I could easily find another woman who would give me the love that I deserved and needed. They kept asking her what she wanted and if she could let go of her anger and hate enough to accept and give love. My wife's doctor pointed out to her that the source of her anger, my emotional withdrawal was really the result of my wife's earlier emotional withdrawal from me and that she was the cause of her own anger. When my wife tried to avoid hard truths or difficult questions, they focused her on those issues and made her understand that the only person she was going to harm by not addressing things was herself.
Many was the time that I actually felt sorry for my wife during and after therapy. Toward the end, we would regularly go out afterwards to a place where she could cry and emotionally recover with my offering her comfort and support.
My wife fought for months to avoid the issues, but ultimately she found that she enjoyed the emotional love and friendship I gave to her each day and that I was making huge changes in my life, so that I could be happy. She also began to understand that touching and sex were very important to my happiness. She knew that she either needed to change to remain with me or that I would be gone.
I wasn't sure that my wife was going to change during initial sex therapy. As a result, I signed us up for the John Gottman Art and Science of Love Couples weekend. It was expensive, but probably worth about two or three months of sex therapy compressed into a single weekend. It really helped bring us closer and give us some good tools to help negotiate with. That plus having a "referee" in the form of a sex therapist, made progress even more possible.
Again, everyone has to choose and find their own path and make their own choices. I wish you and your family the best. I know that being in an SSM is really horrible. I hope that you are able to find happiness. Good luck.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
the whole irony of this is that she wants me near and close to her all of the time: going to the store, sitting on the couch watching tv, putting her hand in my backpocket or holding me around my back in public. she even calls me "honey" in front of people,and when we are in the house, but once i go over to her in a passionate, sexual, romantic way, she gets all defensive and annoyed and tells me to "stop, that's enough, can you go away,please?!"
now i've become trained in the way of holding myself back and not touch her or even say anything complimentary anymore, and that's the rub!
You might want to read Chapman's the Five Languages of Love to try to figure out what your wife needs from you. It sounds like she needs both quality time and touch from your description above, but I could be wrong. Touch is not the same as sex. In fact your wife might need touch (like most human beings) but absolutely not want sex. If that is the case unless you figure out how to give touch without sex you will be continuously sexually teased and frustrated.
You might pick up a book on foot massage or reflexology and ask to practice on her so that she gets her "love bank" filled with loving emotions through touch (assuming that touch is one of her languages of love). There may even be things that the two of you can do that she views as touching and you view as "sex-life" enough so you both feel loved.
Again good luck.
P.S. I am a touch person and would love to have my wife touch me in public and/or private in the ways your describe. One of our real issues in my marriage is that even during sex, my wife has a hard time touching me and about the only time she will touch me at all is during sex. In some respects, I envy the type of touching you are getting from your wife.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
the whole irony of this is that she wants me near and close to her all of the time: going to the store, sitting on the couch watching tv, putting her hand in my backpocket or holding me around my back in public. she even calls me "honey" in front of people,and when we are in the house, but once i go over to her in a passionate, sexual, romantic way, she gets all defensive and annoyed and tells me to "stop, that's enough, can you go away,please?!"
now i've become trained in the way of holding myself back and not touch her or even say anything complimentary anymore, and that's the rub!
You might want to read Chapman's the Five Languages of Love to try to figure out what your wife needs from you. It sounds like she needs both quality time and touch from your description above, but I could be wrong. Touch is not the same as sex. In fact your wife might need touch (like most human beings) but absolutely not want sex. If that is the case unless you figure out how to give touch without sex you will be continuously sexually teased and frustrated.
You might pick up a book on foot massage or reflexology and ask to practice on her so that she gets her "love bank" filled with loving emotions through touch (assuming that touch is one of her languages of love). There may even be things that the two of you can do that she views as touching and you view as "sex-life" enough so you both feel loved.
Again good luck.
P.S. I am a touch person and would love to have my wife touch me in public and/or private in the ways your describe. One of our real issues in my marriage is that even during sex, my wife has a hard time touching me and about the only time she will touch me at all is during sex. In some respects, I envy the type of touching you are getting from your wife.
Should she not fill his need for sexual intercourse? Does the fact that her desire is low or null make a difference? "I don't feel like it", I'm sure all the times she wants a massage he will not feel like it but will obligue out of the love for his wife.
