How to tell the kids

[DanF]

We've all posted about what you need to do. Go back and re-read them. Be patient with yourself. We all slip up from time to time.

I'm thinking his time scale is off. He expects results--good or bad--in a time frame as if this were an ordinary argument. He's not grasping the months ahead.

I probably do expect something too soon. We never really argued much at all, so I don't really know what think. I guess the answer is lots of patience. Everyone has said it. You are right, there are months ahead of me while this thing drags out. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut for a while. No one else to call out anyway.

Sons baseball team won tonight to move to the championship game. I was in bleachers when W got there and she actually sat next to me and made a few comments. I was very brief in return. Did not initiate any conversation myself. Talked to all the people around me and had a good time. Home now and in my room on my laptop. W is downstairs trying to get all her paperwork together for meeting with attorney on Friday. Both of us are meeting with atty's on Friday. Should be interesting. I still have some work to do on my own paperwork too. I summarized all of our expenses for the last 12 months and she wants me to share it with her. Not sure that I should.

Have a meeting set-up Wednesday afternoon to interview a childrens counselor and talk about how to talk to the kids and how to tell if they need someone to talk to. Got a lot of good advice here that I will discuss with the counselor. I set it up and invited W to come also. W thinks they will be fine, and maybe they will. Lots of kids going through this these days, but that doesn't mean I want mine to have to. She wants to tell them shortly after we see the counselor. Not looking forward to that. Makes it feel like there is a certain finality to it.

Softball game for me tomorrow, so I should be out until maybe 9pm. W probably won't be up that long after that anayway.

Thanks for listening and helping. Trying to learn from you all........

[silentspring2]

Ugh, DanF, what is it about the WAS that makes them try and minimize how the kids will feel? I suppose it's to protect themselves against feeling guilt for their decision, but I despise it nonetheless. You can't pretend the "kids will be fine." It's too big a change in their lives for them to ignore it.

[dday101798]

Dan,

Patience is a very KEY word. Look at those of us who are in reconcilliation, the average is at the very least 18 months to 2 years before things start to come around (sincerely)! That's alot of time. And in that time, YOU are to quit fobbling over what she thinks and what she's doing. This is time FOR YOU. It's not a 100% guarentee things pan out that way, but, the more you focus on you and let her deal with her, the better chance you have. First and last time I'm saying it.

And for heaven's sake, you don't know what to do about finance information? Didn't we have this discussion? YOU SHARE NOTHING FINANCIALLY. NOTHING!!! Why in the hairy hell do you think she has an attorney and YOU have an attorney. Look, the direction your sitch is headed in right now, not good. Her head is swimming, and guess what, attorney's DO NOT help that one bit. Does a divorce attorney become one just because they like ending unhappy marriages? No sir. By nature, divorces especially where kids are concerned are nearly guarenteed to be a long drug out process for them to do their job. And what do you get for doing a job? Money. Look, even at the very start of my D, my (x)W's attorney took a look at me, and then a look at (x)W, all dratty, worn out, confused and in the clutches of OM. She approached me directly, her opposition, and said "I'm sorry I have to do this, your a nice man, but it's my job" And just this Sunday, (x)W who is dealing with her on a seperate issue broke the news that we are back together, getting remarried and expecting, and her attorney is delighted.

In saying that, it makes me think back on all the vile lies and stories those two cooked up in court to make me look horrid. And it will happen to you too. And that is where alot of LBS in you mindset end up straying the path, forgetting their WAS is not the person they've known for years and end up making some very fatal mistakes.

Back to the subject matter of the thread, the kids. Don't you believe for one friggen second the kids will be ok. They already AREN'T!!! Looks at the statement they made back at the beginning of this thread for their out look on life at the moment. Is that ok to you?!?!?!

My family, me, (x)W and kids are back together as best as possible, making the best of life, and I'll tell you, my kids STILL, are not OK. It's going to take years of instilling a sense of security back in them, that it is ok. It is going to take seeing (x)W and myself nuturing our new baby with all the love we can muster, to make it known it's ok. Hell, I got the ebbie-gebbies this morning when (x)W was all depressed looking because we've been a little sex starved since finding out we are pregnant and feels I don't love her enough because of that. I can only imagine what goes through the kids heads when they see it. They already freak out when there is the slightest disagreement, even tho (x)W and I know it's nothing major and not going anywhere, the kids still get very nervous.

Man, I don't know what else to tell you. IT WILL get ugly from here. You've been given all you need from here in. Share NOTHING divorce related with her. Quit the confrontations. Quit the how do I react. Keep it business like and polite and dodge relationship talks. You are being baited, time and time again, nature of the game and you are feeding her validation pool. And most of all, expect NOTHING. Expectation in these situations are the root of all failure.

[DanF]

Ugh, DanF, what is it about the WAS that makes them try and minimize how the kids will feel? I suppose it's to protect themselves against feeling guilt for their decision, but I despise it nonetheless. You can't pretend the "kids will be fine." It's too big a change in their lives for them to ignore it.

Right. The conversations below happened a while back, so no new confrontations are occurring, but here are the things she is rationalizing.

She actually told me that if we canceled our summer family vacation slated for August that the cancelation might be as hard on the kids as the divorce! Therefore, I need to suck it up and go anyway. Nevermind the cost and the fact that we are strapped for cash and will be taking a big loss on our home. We must go.

She wasn't worried about arranging for a kids counselor because she already knew what to tell them and all kids don't need to go to counseling when their parents get divorced anyway. This would be something we could just react to if needed. I told her that it didn't hurt to be prepared and I was going to set up an appointment so we could agree on a counselor in advance and didn't have to wait too long to get them in if necessary.

Then, while she says above that the divorce is no big deal, it would be extremely difficult on the kids to have a 50%/50% placement arrangement, so I should think about what is best for the kids and let her have them full-time and I would get them every other week-end.

What planet is she on?

I told her what would be best for the kids would be to fix the problems in the Marriage and all of us live together as a family. She said it isn't possible because she "just doesn't feel that way about me anymore."

Ok. I hope this makes you happy.......but I dont think it will....

Trying to hang in there.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dan,

The sooner you stop tryin to "make her happy," and start "Doing the Right Thing," the better off you will be.

YOU decide what you think is best for your family. Your wife, sadly, does not have the family's best interests at heart right now. She DOES have rights where the kids are concerned, and so you'll have to negotiate with her (thru your ATTORNEY), but YOU need to be the family's advocate in the months ahead.

Puppy

[dday101798]

but here are the things she is rationalizing.

What planet is she on?

Again, need I say anything?

[DanF]

Thanks for sharing your experiences DDay. Point taken. I am done dealing with her and will focus on my kids and myself.

I agree that this will be very hard on the kids, but all I can do is love them at this point. That is partly why it is hard to be "gone" at night when they are around. That is the only time I get to see them other than week-ends.

Can I ask that since you and your W are now back together, was it worth the work and the wait? Two years is an awful long time and to hear that she continues to question your love is heart-wrenching. I know a guy at work who got back together with his X and they say the relationship is better than ever, but I know another guy that did the same and ended up getting divorced again because his wife found another man while he was working in Iraq and putting her through school.

Thanks for not giving-up on me. I am in the Chicago area, so you may actually get a chance to use that 4x6 on me sometime!!!

Polite and business like and patience are the keys from here on out.

Thanks again to all and good luck to everyone. I hope your situations work out as you would like them to.

[DanF]

Thanks for coming back Puppy. I thought you had given-up on me.

[silentspring2]

Then, while she says above that the divorce is no big deal, it would be extremely difficult on the kids to have a 50%/50% placement arrangement, so I should think about what is best for the kids and let her have them full-time and I would get them every other week-end.

What planet is she on?

It is maddening, isn't it? The logic, the excuses, the rationalizations change from one moment to the next with no rhyme or reason underlying any of them. I guess it all points pretty clearly to the fact that the WAS is thinking of no one but herself/himself and is in an entirely bleeped-up state of mind.

[dday101798]

, but all I can do is love them at this point. That is partly why it is hard to be "gone" at night when they are around.

And that is why you find something to do with them. I should also say, document it as well, what you do, where you went, what you spent. (your attorney should have advised you of this already. Along with no booze!)

Can I ask that since you and your W are now back together, was it worth the work and the wait? Two years is an awful long time and to hear that she continues to question your love is heart-wrenching.

Let me say, my (x)W, even tho she still loved me all along, did some very vile, nasty, horrible, truly dispicable things to desimate me. We live(d) in a very tight nit community. She made a spectacle out of her A. Ironically, that ended up being the very demise and eye opener for her as to what is right and wrong.

Was it worth the 'work and wait'. I stopped waiting. For a long time, I wasn't working for it anymore. When she came around finally, I wsa smack dab in the middle of deciding who of 3 possibilites was to be my first attempt at a serious new relationship. I was done. Yeah, I still loved her too, she was my wife of 10 years, and would always be the mother of my children, but this ship had sat in harbour damaged for long enough, and it was time to sail out to sea. I became the WAS.

That said. We do have a better relationship than ever before now. She questions me sometimes becuase she knows as I told her in the beginning, I didn't have to take her back after all she had done. She knows what she had done struck me down to the core. But she also knows, I am a changed man, forever. A better man, forever. Before when she would get in a mini depression like this morning and be grumpy and hostile with me, I would have just walked away and not want to deal with it, didn't understand her. Today, I assured her, that just because we aren't going like bunny rabbits for a few days doesn't mean I love her any less than anyother day, simply, we are going through some changes in lifestyle and are tired and cranky. We were pretty heavy smokers and liked to sit back with a few drinks every night and talk about our days. Well, now, she's pregnant and can't do that, which makes me, pregnant and can't do that. And in saying that, she lit up, knowing my changes are for real and are a permanent fixture in my style of life.

We are in this together. And that's what a true partnership is, togetherness, when one person is down, the other picks them up and the team socres another victory, win or lose.

We (all) live as if there is now tomorrow. Another case in point, Sunday. S12 asked to play catch with the football for a bit. I was again tired and cranky and said "not right now". (x)W was right there in the background and as he walked away disappointed, I sensed it and remembered, I am not guarenteed tomorrow, and today all he would do is retreat to the TV, and said, "yeah what the heck, let's go". It was then I realized (x)W was there in the background, and she had a smirk of glea for my realization, then proceeded outside with us and sat in a chair and watched.

It's all the little things Dan. It's all the little thing you haven't been doing. Your programing has caught a virus after years of repitition and routine. The time ahead of you, while your wife sorts herself out, is the time for you to reboot and reinstall the program. And it's those little things that will win in the end.