Live in the Now!!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Bobbi.

I’ve seen you post this so many times, over and over. Beating your head against the same brick wall.

Love is different, a magical, nonsensical, inexplicable, illogical, mysterious thing. Its not ‘fixable’. It cant be controlled, or taught to behave, as in the examples you give with teaching the kids to ‘do the right thing’. Why do we love one person and not another? Why is it that ‘love is blind’ and some people stay with partners we raise eyebrows at? Or that some people meet on a crowded train and in an instant feel like they’ve known that person their whole life and fall deeply in love?

Of course he is sorry. I think its good he is able to admit that. How would you feel if he had never said sorry??? He hates that he hurt you, and the kids. He has tremendous guilt, of course, as I would have if I were him and any sane, rational person would. I don’t see that as so bad. I can see why it angers and frustrates you, because ‘sorry’ isn’t the outcome you were hoping for, you were hoping for reconciliation.

But what’s he supposed to do to ‘fix’ it? Come back to you even though he still deeply cares for you, he is no longer is in love with you, or no longer chooses to be in a committed relationship with you?

You cannot make someone love you. You cannot make yourself love someone. You cannot spend the rest of your life with someone you aren’t in love with, unless you are prepared to put your basic needs as a human being aside, to do the right thing. That’s called martyrdom I believe. Or, arranged marriage (and yes, in many cases, those marriages are very successful and they do grow to love one another). But I assume you and Dan hadn’t entered into an arranged marriage.

It’s difficult, as your faith makes you have incredibly strong values, or rules about this stuff. Marriage is for life. If you try to leave the marriage, there’s no excuse for that etc. But Bobbi, it’s one thing to find practical, morally right solutions when reprimanding the kids for lieing/stealing/knocking something over.. but its not the same at all when you hurt someone in love. You cant ‘fix’ falling out of love, or put it right or make amends.. how ?

What action do you want him to take then instead of saying sorry … come back to the R? I cant see what else he could do other than that that could ‘fix’ it for you.

It must be so hard to accept that Dan is no longer in love with you, or that he has grown apart from you and for whatever reason, didn’t want to stay married, but it seems on the evidence, that is what happened.

I agree with the others, Dan does still have extrodinary access to you, but that’s because you haven’t as yet been able to move on. I am sure the dynamics will shift when you are able to and things wont always stay the way they are now. And you do have very young children and I can understand you would want them to feel that mum and dad are still close, to make it easier on them and on yourself hey.

I hope I haven’t spoken out of turn here.
Love Al xxx