Had a decent day. Went shopping with one of my best friends and bought myself some new clothing. Trying not to buy too much, as I am not done losing weight, at least I hope not! Am 2 sizes down since H left right after Easter. Still have at least 15 more to go. Came home and tried to take a nap, but no luck. Met up with friend and her kids again and kids played and we walked laps around the track and then went out for ice cream. So, did try to keep busy. H texted me 3 times on my way to mall to ask about scrape on oldest D leg and about bug bites on middle D. Said to remind oldest to put Neosporin on. I responded as short as possible, although I thought, "Duh, I know what to do with the children since I have done most of the childcare myself", but I refrained.
Evenings are the toughest times, though. H called to say he would come and visit kids after he gets off work tomorrow evening. The rest of the time on the phone he said next to nothing. I stupidly asked what was up with him(will I ever learn?) and why he is friendly and chatty one day and happy to be around me and then another day or two has nothing to say. All led to stupid R talk that as usual accomplished nothing. He still thinks this may end in D, but then again says he doesn't know if the friendship that we have a good bit of the time will be able to be the foundation for our M to work out. Says there will be big changes we will both have to accept, no matter which way it works out. I said well of course, obviously if we D that is a huge change and if he decides he wants to come home and reconcile that we both have changes to make. Other than that, nothing was accomplished and I felt sad and depressed when I got off the phone.
Then I am up half the night because I can't sleep which frustrates me to no end. Kids are asleep and I am alone with my thoughts, which is not a good thing, most of the time.
I clearly need much help with detaching and staying distant and keeping my mouth shut. Maybe a 2x4 to the head would work. I am screwing up at every turn it appears. I know what to do, I think, but just having a really difficult time actually doing it.
